Dying Deliciously

“The hills are alive with the sound of mommy!“ 

That is the opening sentence my sister wrote for our mother’s obituary. The day before Thanksgiving, 2014, our beloved friend and nurturer was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer and given 5 months to live. I was doing my own dance with ovarian cancer for the second time.  Visiting her in the hospital, I became aware of how vulnerable I was, still in chemotherapy treatment. I was already in remission so with the approval of my oncologist, I stopped three sort of the 18 weak protocol to walk mommy home.

My sister and I agreed that Mom would only die once so we vowed to make it a good death! Whatever that meant…  One of us was with her all the time.  We would take turns, one or two weeks at a time, never knowing of course how much time we have left with her.

Pancreatic cancer can be very nasty way to go. Life was filled with doctors appointments,  paracentesis and other procedures, a plethora of pills, and visits from friends.  The pills made her crazy at times and she would lash out. It was way too easy to get my feelings hurt but I had to remember over and over again that she was not herself.

Years ago an acquaintance asked her what the secret was to having such a good relationship with her daughters, because her daughters and her own relationship was in turmoil. My mom said something to her and forgot all about it. Two years later, this same friend found my mom and threw her arms around her! She thanked her profusely for changing her relationship with her kids! My mom asked “what did I say?”

“Let every thought I think, let every word I speak, let everything I do be out of love.“  That sums up Mommy all right! So when she was acting crazy and less than loving because of her illness and the drugs, that became my mantra. It wasn’t easy.    I know from being on both sides, it’s much easier being the patient than it is a caregiver!  I have never felt so helpless in my life.

One of the many lessons mom taught us was to embrace and honor our feelings. She believed that every emotion had value when harnessed and embraced. “It’s not the emotion itself that causes harm,” she’d say, “it’s what we do with our emotions that can cause harm.”  Mommy taught us how to cry! She believed that tears are a fabulous way to release grief and that anger was a normal response and could be channeled for great creativity!  So I guess it didn’t surprise me when my sister and I both came to the same conclusion after one side gripping, gut wrenching, grief releasing crying jag just weeks before she passed. This is DELICIOUS!

Wait a minute, how can death be delicious?  It wasn’t death itself, but the accompanying angst that is so much a part of who we are!  How could we ignore or push away this pain? Wasn’t it true that we felt so bad because we loved so good!?  Her friends got it. We invited them one or two at a time to come be with mom whenever they could. It was a nice time for me or my sister to get away for an hour or two. But it was a precious way of including her beloved friends that otherwise would’ve been left in the dark.

I had found and joined the Threshold Choir in 2012, as I was finishing the first dance of 18 weeks of chemo. I have been singing all my life, but singing at the bedside for people who are hovering between life and death, is by far the most sacred way I have ever used my voice.  Mommy was a singer. My sister and I sang together in harmony as often as we possibly could throughout our entire lives.  It was one of Mom’s biggest thrills… To hear us laugh and sing. So it was the most natural thing in the world to sit on either side of her, hold hands, and sing her home. On April 20, 2015, pretty close to five months from the initial diagnosis, mommy gave my sister and I her last breath as we sang her home.

Now I know what I want to do with my dying breath. To be sung to in lullaby tones is to be  cradled in the arms of song. There are about 300 songs available to this international organization. Song was written specifically for this precious purpose. I have written songs that are in the repertoire and that I want sung to me. Singing is such a personal gift, such a vulnerable act and so incredibly sacred, that it transcends tears and trauma. I want to give my last breath to those singing me to the other side!  I might have that opportunity sooner than later.

In August, my oncologist said I had 12 to 18 months to live, with treatment now that will only slow down the progress of the disease.  With the help of my friends, choir members, sister and other family members, I choose to live in harmony.  I choose to share widely, to sing softly, to love deeply, to die deliciously.

Come sing me home!

Lauren Lane Powell

www.LaurenLanePowell.com

Bio. Lauren Lane Powell is an expert vocal coach, recording artist composer, keynote speaker and author of the book “Holy Shift! Everything’s a Gift!”

She has been featured in Bloom magazine, New Horizons, and the Daily Word.  She is a codirector of threshold choir, here in Bloomington and is a regular contributor to the International Threshold choir Newsletter.

Lauren has been interviewed on radio shows with hosts like, Sandra Champlain, (Richard Brenden) Cathy Dewitt and George Whitten to name a few.

She has been the main keynoter speaker for the Unity Minister conference, several Great Lakes Unity Musician’s Conferences, and the Judith Coates Jeshua retreat,

She has a degree from Indiana University in voice and music education.

Lauren traveled extensively throughout the US and Puerto Rico facilitating her Sing For Your Soul and Harmonies of Healing workshops where her motto is “If you can laugh you can sing!”