Midlife – Forties Women Want Others to Know

Forties Women say “Stop the clock, I want to get off!”

I am worried that my time to be who I really want to be is running out.
I am often torn between what I want and what others want from me.
I want to have passion and purpose in my life but I’m too overloaded to figure out what that might be.
I feel guilty when I yearn to say, “I want time just for me.”
I want my partner to see me as an exciting and passionate woman and still be attracted to me.
I worry more about my looks when I see the physical changes in my face and body.
I find my emotions get the best of me and leave me confused and eager to just relax.
I worry about not having enough energy to do all the things I have to do.
My drive and motivations are changing and I want to be first and not in second or last place.
You can learn more about the challenges and successes of Forties Women in my groundbreaking new book, Timeless Women Speak: Feeling Youthful At Any Age.

Dr. Nancy O’Reilly, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist and Founder of The WomenSpeak Project
Visit us at http://www.womenspeak.com for great tips

A Feng Shui view of my home office – is this about Midlife too?

Many modern enthusiasts claim that feng shui is the practice of arranging objects (such as furniture) to help people achieve their goals. More traditionally, feng shui is important in choosing a place to live and finding a burial site, along with agricultural planning.

I’m always out looking for ways to get publicity and so I recently joined a list that sends twice DAILY! LEADS .. I saw one that asked for someone who wanted a Feng Shui makeover. I answered it and today I was on the show.

EEKS… Now I have to change my house again. Chris, who was very knowledgable, told me why working where I am is not working and made some specific suggestions on where to move my office.

If you don’t hear from me for days — it’s because I’m moving!! — (just to another room in my house.)

Tell me about your home offices. Have you done Feng Shui? What have you discovered?

How does this relate to midlife? I believe that midlife is all about change — so — here goes another one!

How To Redesign – Midlife can be your Best Life

I wanted to share this wonderful work from Dennis Merrit Jones — one of my favorite authors…: I couldn’t have said it better…

“Life is a blackboard upon which we consciously or unconsciously write those messages which govern us. We hold the chalk and the eraser in our hand but are ignorant of this fact. What we now experience we need not continue to experience but the hand which holds the erasure must do it’s neutralizing work.” ~ Dr. Ernest Holmes

As you enter into the New Year, I invite you to ask yourself this question: What’s new about me in 2009? If you are like many people you may look in the mirror and say there is nothing new that I can see; same old hair, same old teeth…same old body…same old aches and pains…same old relationships…same old job. Essentially, I see the same old me. I propose it doesn’t have to be that way because change is always constant–we just aren’t aware of it. Even down to the molecular level, change is continually happening. However, if the belief system that creates the template into which life’s energy flows is the “same old” mold as it was last year, life has no alternative but to give us a replay of last year. This is true at the level of the physical body as well as the body of our emotions and relationships. Life is energy seeking a place to happen. You are the conduit through which it happens. Energy is not choosing “how” it manifests in your life–you make that choice. My understanding of the aforementioned quote by Ernest Holmes is that we hold the power to change our future by understanding that while we can’t change the past, we can choose not to recreate it by dragging it into the future. Recently, I heard someone jokingly quip, “The future isn’t what it used to be.” The reality is the future will be exactly how it used to be until we learn to consciously pick up the eraser and the chalk.

We have the ability to inscribe something new on the “blackboard of life” in 2009. Metaphorically, we hold the chalk and the eraser because we have freewill and the ability to choose again. Sadly, however, most people are unaware of the amazing creative power they wield when they couple their intentional thoughts and deepest beliefs with a universal law that says, “It’s always done unto you as you believe.” This is why I don’t play the New Year resolution game because it’s dealing in willpower, which is working at the level of effect (from the outside-in) rather than cause (from the inside-out). Essentially, willpower won’t! It won’t sustain us for the long haul because it’s being held in place only by the conscious mind and that part of the mind tends to get distracted, bored, tired and restless, and then it’s off in some other direction which is generally counterproductive to our deepest desires. We have to go beyond the conscious mind and work at the level of our most deeply held beliefs about the way things “are” and the way they can be.

So, where do we start? How do we embrace what it means to be able to redesign 2009 by inscribing something new and improved on the blackboard of life”? We have to be willing to go where we have not gone before, to move beyond the old mindset. What better time that right now? While this exercise could be done on a computer, I recommend doing it with paper and pencil to provide a more visceral/tactile experience. Using a pencil with an eraser, draw a vertical line down the middle of a piece of paper. On the left side of the paper write down the experiences you have had in the past year that you would like not to recreate again in 2009. On the right side of the paper, adjacent to each of those statements, write down what you would like to see as your reality in the next twelve months. Each time you write down a new awareness in the right column, erase one in the left column you wish to release. With each erasure feel the “lightness of being” that comes with the knowing you don’t have to recreate the same experience next year. Spend as much time as possible lightly holding the new view of your life and try to embody the feelings you will have when you arrive at that vision. For now don’t concern yourself with how this will happen. Once you are clear on the what, the universe will guide you in the actions required to manifest the how. Realize that in this process you have just taken hold of the chalk and the eraser.

Happy New You!

Plastic Surgery (Thankfully) Is Under the Knife – Accepting oursleves in Midlife and Beyond!

Anti-ageism commentator Margaret Morganroth Gullette gives thanks for some good news about plastic surgery. Procedures are down, outcry is up and few American women ever considered getting themselves “done” anyway.Editor’s Note: The following is a commentary. The opinions expressed are those of the author and not necessarily the views of Women’s eNews.
(WOMENSENEWS)–Plastic surgery sometimes gets played, pedaled and plugged as an irresistible tsunami
overpowering its primary targets, women between 35 and 50.But this Thanksgiving we have some gratifying news to digest: The tide has been turning.Half of plastic surgeons report their practices were down last year. That was before the worst of the recession,
so it’s not just a matter of cost or insurers who only cover operations that fix “deformities” or improve healthy
functioning.

From 2004 to 2005, liposuction was down 5 percent; eyelid surgery down 20 percent. Even less-invasive
procedures such as microdermabrasion and chemical peels were down in that same time period, by 7
percent and 50 percent respectively, according to the American Society for American Plastic Surgery.

It’s also a matter of growing cultural aversion toward the results. “Scary” is emerging as an increasingly common adjective for the surgeons, procedures and–more frequently–the results.

‘Before and After’ Galleries

Web sites with names such as “Plastic Surgery Disasters” and “The 15 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Disasters You Will Ever See” have developed cautionary before-and-after galleries.

“Before” shows attractive men and women of all ages, including celebrities. “After” shows women with cavities in Barbie-sized breasts; men with hyper-wide eye-lifts. One Flickr site invites, “Caption This Disaster.”

The anti-plastic tone can often be cruel and jeering: “You wanted this look? You think this looks good?” Sometimes it’s rueful, such as a recent New Yorker cartoon of a young couple lovingly holding hands. “I want someone I can grow old and have plastic surgery with,” she says.

“Anti-aging surgery” is becoming a misnomer. Dr. Pauline Chen, the surgeon who wrote “Final Exam,” describes an older surgeon, after “countless submissions” to the knife, as having skin “like plastic wrap stretched tightly over a bowl.” Designer Isaac Mizrahi says, with ageist malice, “If you want to look 70, get a facelift.”

The pushback extends to stars such as Ashley Tisdale. In People recently, the young actress went out of her way to say her five-hour operation to repair a deviated septum wasn’t plastic surgery, which she wouldn’t recommend to anybody.

Resistance can also take the form of support for those who resist “getting done.”

The thoughtful film critic Wesley Morris, for instance, praises the face of Melissa Leo, a 40-year-old actress in “Frozen River,” for its “amazing and unlimited capacity for solemnity, grief, despair and rage. If you’ve been to a movie lately, you know what an un-nipped, untucked, Botox-free miracle that face is.”

Resisters in the Majority

This type of feedback and commentary is complemented by a majority who oppose surgical fixes for themselves. According to a Nielsen study of women around the globe, 80 percent would never “go under the knife.” Data from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery itself indicate that 69 percent of U.S. women do not think it an option for themselves.

Why don’t we ever hear that nonusers–many of them resisters–far outnumber potential users?

People actively opposed have a point of view that rarely gets heard and a social milieu that is entirely supportive of them.

According to interviews collected by sociologist Abigail Brooks for her absorbing 2007 Boston College dissertation, resisters are often dismayed at the way surgery survivors look.

A woman in Brooks’ study described a friend who lost “the most gorgeous, beautiful eyes, they were her redeeming feature. . . The bags are gone but the shape is different.” “Her eye is crooked, definitely,” another of Brooks’ interviewees reports thinking. A woman with an eye-lift looked as startled as a “deer in the headlights.” Another said she found it “exhausting” to interact with a woman whose facelift gave her an intense “wind-tunnel” look.

“Normal” is a goal for many who undergo plastic surgery. They often say they know surgery won’t make them look “beautiful” so normal is their aim. But it turns out their friends think “normal” is the way they used to look.

Even Nora Ephron, who made some women feel bad about their necks, admits, “It’s a scary thing, when you have friends you don’t actually recognize.”

This is the real majority speaking, and it’s turning against the trend.

Disappointment is built into the practice, and is not limited to so-called addicts. Many decide after one experience that it was enough. Women are writing books–like Alix Kuczynski’s “Beauty Junkies”–that declare “never again.” After age 50, the percentage of users drops by almost half. The so-called boomers are halfway through the dangerous age.

The conspiracy of silence is breaking down. The death a year ago of hip-hop star Kanye West’s mother, college teacher Donda West, after a five-hour operation for multiple cosmetic procedures, sent a wake-up call.

No Guarantee of Survival

Certification in the best hospitals is no guarantee even of survival. Two women died in 2004 at Manhattan Eye Ear and Throat; one was Olivia Goldsmith, author of “The First Wives’ Club.” The death rate from liposuction is 1 in 5,000 procedures.

Some 40 percent of breast augmentations will entail complications within three years. The dreaded MRSA (methicillin-resistant staph infection) is turning up also in some patients who undergo face lifts.

Any licensed medical doctor can perform cosmetic surgeries. “It is ironic that the doctors who choose to perform an operation that is solely cosmetic are willing to accept mortality and complication rates significantly higher than those who restrict their interventions to those required for the treatment of disease,” writes Dr. Sherwin Nuland, author of “The Art of Aging and How We Die.”

David Heilbroner, co-director of the 2006 HBO special “Plastic Disasters,” explained in an interview why it’s hard to learn about the dangers. “Doctors settle lawsuits, which then stay off the books. There’s no national center collecting data on botched surgery.”

Even when outcomes go relatively well, several respondents told Brooks they did not share with their friends how much pain they had endured. When one woman complained of being lied to, her friend said, “Well, if you told people how painful this would be they’d never do it.”

Plastic surgery is becoming a public-health issue in need of regulation. And we’ll hear more about its dangers from the competition–providers of non-surgical procedures like Botox–who have money to spend.

The other critics, at this point, are numerous. They include vindictive bloggers, disapproving fashionistas, disillusioned ex-users, legions of un-retouched women, concerned doctors, feminist anti-ageists, sociologists and women’s health activists.

I’m not holding my breath about rapidly transforming the commerce in aging in America. The cult of youth is ever-present in the magazines, TV and films; hurting women’s self-esteem as they grow older. Men are being affected and joining the ranks of users. In some zip codes parents are giving teen daughters silicone breasts as a birthday present.

But despite such dismaying and attention-getting facts, the larger, less-told story is that most of us as we get older see ourselves and our friends as just fine exactly the way we are.

Here’s to happier eyes!

Margaret Morganroth Gullette, resident scholar at the Women’s Studies Research Center, Brandeis, is the author of the 2004 book “Aged by Culture,” named a “Noteworthy Book” of the year by the Christian Science Monitor and “Declining to Decline,” the 1997 book chosen by the Feminist Caucus of the Popular Culture-American Culture Associations as “the best feminist book on American popular culture.”

 

Navigating the Midlife Maze -Tips for Recharging Yourself

From time to time, I like to share what other midlife blogs are saying… This one is something I know you’ll like…

by Ellen Besso, Personal Coach for Midlife Women

For those of us edging towards forty or fifty, our lives are often in major flux. There may be outward signs…our bodies aren’t quite the same weight or shape! Menstrual cycles change and stop. But the biggest change is within. We may feel like we’re not the woman we were…that we’re on the road to becoming someone very different. The “circuitry rewiring” that Dr. Christine Northrup speaks of changes every bodily system and organ, particularly the brain. This affects how we feel within ourselves and how we relate to others.

It can be a very confusing time. I know I certainly didn’t expect “it” to happen so soon. As the initial minor physical changes gave way to a deepening of experience I found I was affected on an emotional, mental and spiritual level as well. I really didn’t know what was going on, and even more importantly, where I was going in this rapidly accelerating process. The circuitry rewiring means that the part of our brain that mediates strong emotions is affected. This can result in an intensifying of our feelings and sometimes includes anger. It makes us more passionate about things. I feel that at this stage of our lives women do not tolerate fools as gladly as we may have once.

As our “nurturing hormones”, (as Northrup calls them) decrease, we may find we want to do more for ourselves rather than others. This could take the form of exploring new avenues, reviving old interests, meeting with friends who relate to us or simply being quietly alone with ourselves in our home or in nature. The changes within us, manifesting outwardly as different behaviours and actions, don’t always get a favourable reception from family members and others. It’s human nature to dislike change, especially when those close to us change and it impacts us. And when one family member (us) changes it has a domino effect on everyone else. This is basic ‘family systems’ theory and it can apply to friendships and work groups as well as families.

So how to find solutions that work for us amidst all this upheaval? How to balance our needs with our family, work and other commitments? This article is meant to help you find balance in your busy lives…to find room for you. By following some of the suggestions below you can re-prioritize so that you are meeting your own needs in all areas: body, mind and spirit. You, and you alone are responsible for your well-being in every aspect of your life. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else will and you will burn out physically, mentally and/or spiritually. You’ll be a very unhappy camper, and those around you will pay a price also. I’ve seem many women in this position.

Take These Steps to Re-charge Yourself:

Always put yourself first: (after the needs of young, dependent children have been met)
This will sound like heresy to many women. Women are commonly by nature and training nurturers. We stretch ourselves too thin. Many of the things we do for our families, co-workers, friends and the organizations we belong to can be done by others, however. For example, at home, kids can do their own laundry. Before committing to responsibilities in service clubs, churches or extra tasks at work, always check in with yourself. Take a deep breath, hold it then exhale a couple of times. Then ask yourself “Is this truly the way I want to spend my time?” Or is it a knee-jerk reaction from habit? Chances are at least 50% of the time your answer will be a resounding “No!”

Prioritize immediately & regularly: Make a list of everything you have to do this week; don’t leave anything out. Rate truly non-negotiable items as #1. It’s imperative that you give your personal time a #1. Think of it as the “pay yourself first” approach recommended for savings accounts. Without monitoring yourself rate the others from #2 to #10. Ruthlessly eliminate at least 25% of the highest numbered tasks.

With the remaining tasks or duties use the following 3 options:

Do them less often;
Do them for shorter periods of time; or
Don’t do them at all.
For example, even with your job, you can, if you choose, give yourself a day off occasionally, even if your not “sick to dying”, as an old friend used to say. Consider it a ‘mental health day’. Note: Always keep your options open – it’s okay to change your mind about doing something you’ve planned if it doesn’t feel right to you. This exercise is adapted from Martha Beck, PhD.

Schedule time for you daily & take yourself on a weekly date:
Create a time that’s just for you each day, even if it’s only 30 minutes. Soothe yourself with a warm candlelit bubble bath, read a favourite book, journal or contemplate. It’s crucial to have a quiet space that’s yours and yours alone. There was a woman featured on the Oprah Show who converted a walk-in closet into her sanctuary. It was complete with soft lighting and a comfortable chair, and family members understood they could not interrupt her there. Once a week take a leaf from Julia Cameron’s book and plan a 2-3 hour solo outing doing something you love to do. I guarantee that these things will make a difference in your life.

Look after yourself body, mind and spirit:
Eating can be quite simple…really. When we’re overloaded, rushed and stressed, we often make food choices that may not be the healthiest for us. Many women feel better eating lightly and frequently, including lots of fruit, vegetables and vegetarian protein as well as a little animal protein. This diet is good for kids and partners too. Spending a little time outside in nature daily, doing light exercise, reading uplifting articles or books and quietly meditating or contemplating feeds us body, mind and spirit.

Be open and transparent about your needs:
Let others know at home, at work and in your organizations that you are making changes in your life to allow time for you. Give as much or as little information as feels appropriate to the situation. Many of us were brought up in families where the ability to mind read was expected. But in truth, none of us knows anyone else’s reality. We need to tell each other what’s going on for us, not make assumptions or feel resentful. Given a little time, most people will adjust to our requests for change if they are “put in the loop”.

Carve out some relationship time each week: (for those in committed relationships)
‘Life in the fast lane’ takes a toll on relationships. Many of us do nothing but work and take care of family and at night then fall into bed exhausted. It’s hard to take time away from these important responsibilities to do something “discretionary” when we feel maxed out. It is worth it though. Even a 30 to 60 minute “coffee date” with our partner takes us away from our daily lives into a new environment, and therefore new possibilities. Try it, you’ll see!

If you have any feedback about these Tips for Recharging, or any questions, please contact me at:

info@ellenbesso.com
800 961 1364 – North America
604 886 1916 – Gibsons, BC