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Fear of Death

What Would You Do If You Did Not Fear Death?

We are missing out on a precious opportunity for spiritual growth when we avoid confronting and contemplating what we call death.

A close colleague and mentor of mine passed away recently. All who knew him were deeply saddened. Many considered his passing “untimely” since he was actively immersed in important projects with hands on the reins until near the end.

Yet he was eighty-six-years old, so his passing was in some sense to be expected. Early in his illness, one of his close friends, a retired cardiologist reassured me, “A man on a mission cannot die before his goal is achieved.”
Both of us wanted to believe this. But it proved not to be true.
After a beloved relative suffered a stroke in his late eighties, his adoring wife confided, “I’m shocked. I never imagined that something like this could ever happen.”
But what surprised me was that death is such a big surprise to so many of us. While our sense of loss and grief is entirely natural, why do we somehow believe that the inevitable can’t happen to us or to those we love?
Many spiritual traditions advise that we keep the end in mind throughout life. But in this culture, contemplating death is seen as “heavy,” a downer. We’re less like Hamlet holding the skull of his family’s court jester, Yorick, and more like Scarlett O’Hara. We plan to think about death not today, but tomorrow or the next day. As a result, when the bell of mortality strikes, we’re totally unprepared.
“Shrinking away from death is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose,” said Marianne Williamson quoting Carl Jung. She was speaking at the recent Art of Dying conference jointly sponsored by the New York Open Center and Tibet House, and held at Menla Mountain Retreat Centerhttp://www.tibethouse.us with Williamson, and preeminent Buddhist scholar, Robert Thurman, Ph.D., who offered plenary talks and workshops, the conference featured a number of experienced leaders in spiritual hospice work.
Practitioners and healers who regularly bring presence, caring and spiritual contemplation to people in the transition between life-in-embodiment and death, see vital spiritual lessons for all of us in this inevitable passage. A recurring message throughout the three days, was that we are missing out on an precious opportunity for spiritual growth, when we avoid confronting and contemplating what we call death.
“Who do I need to be to be a trustworthy presence and compassionate person?” asked Frank Ostaseski. A co-founder of the Zen Hospice Project, the first Buddhist hospice in America, and founder of the Metta Institute‘s End-of-Life Care Practitioner Program. Ostaseski shared the inner contemplation that living daily with the dying had awakened in him.
Therese Schroeder-Sheker advises a daily practice of metanoia — contemplating and dying every day to the aspects of ourselves that don’t serve. Schroeder-Sheker has played the harp, and sung at the bedsides of those in transition for over three decades. She founded the palliative medical field of music — thanatology and the Chalice of Repose Project, which trains teachers in palliative music vigils with the dying.
A transparent joy exudes from those who attend the dying. Apparently, the active awareness of death can prompt us to live life with greater integrity, authenticity and purpose, knowing that our actions, thoughts and intentions count.
In our “materialist culture, people think that after death they go to the great Halliburton nothingness — and they are out of all consequences … ” said Robert Thurman, the author of “Why the Dalai Lama Matters.” He warned that “You are not getting out of the consequences of your actions by dying. Everything you do in life matters because it has an infinite resonance in the universe. [Facing up to death] gives us the power to be incredibly caring at even the tiniest level — it’s what guides our practical steps.”
When it comes to being with a loved one who is dying, Frank Ostaseski reminded participants that “We each have the capacity to embrace another’s suffering as our own. We’ve been doing it for thousands of years. You know how to do this — it’s in your bones.”
But he asked, “How did we turn this intimate act of caring for each other into an obligation, duty or profession? Dying is not a medical event — it’s about relationship with the self. We’ve forgotten this, and so we’ve become frightened. Too many people are dying in fear.”
The fear arises because “We see so much pain and suffering. We see genocides, holocausts and Hiroshimas,” says Robert Thurman, but he counsels, “They are real — but not really real. Bodies are incinerated — but souls are not.”
“On some level, we know that,” says Marianne Williamson, who pointed out that we sometimes turn away from death out of denial. Yet we also, on some level, know that the core of who we are does not die.
Fearfully avoiding the reality of death increases suffering at the approach of this inevitable life passage. And, paradoxically, so does the belief that we are nothing but a body.
“We’re born and we die,” Ostaseski noted, inviting us to “sit down with death and have a cup of tea.”
Williamson posed a question for that tete-a-tete:
“What would you do right now if you did not fear death?”

6 Wise and Funny Lessons on Aging — From Animals

These amazing creatures can teach us a lot about finding pleasure in life


Aging gracefully can present challenges. Human role models, like, say, Betty White or George Clooney, can show us how it’s done. The animal realm can, too. Just for fun, we pulled these six examples of animal inspiration. Enjoy!

 

1. Tortoises — Take life slow and enjoy the ride

Tortoises are one of the most ancient creatures on the planet, living up to age 150. With an average speed of .17 mph, they’re not winning sprints, but they are highly effective burrowers and have evolved to survive the harsh conditions of the desert. They endure. Tortoises may not be what you’d call the sexiest animals around, but they teach an important life lesson: Slow and steady wins the race.

 

2. Elephants — Share your memories

Elephants’ brains, the largest among land mammals at about 10.5 pounds (10 percent of their body weight, vs. a human’s 2 percent), are complex. They have the ability to grieve and elephants have been observed performing burial-like ceremonies. Elephants also have excellent problem solving skills; the well-known example of Asian elephant Bandula unhooking the shackles on her feet and then freeing other captive elephants shows a keen intelligence. Scientists have found that older elephants are better at making crucial decisions, such as searching for food and protecting the herd from predators, because of their remarkable memory. We humans can look to elephants for inspiration to share our lifetime of experiences and use our hard-earned knowledge as leaders.

 

3. Dolphins — Stay true to your friends and family


Dolphins are extremely social and form tight-knit groups, called pods, which range from five to hundreds of members. These aquatic animals are so loyal that they have been observed staying with sick or injured pod members. Dolphins can be friendly to humans, and there are numerous news stories of dolphins rescuing people from drowning and from sharks. Their sense of community and altruism exemplifies how we should approach relationships, which play a critical role as we age. Older adults tend to lose social connectivity after they retire or as their adult children move out of the house or start their own family, so it’s vital to maintain close ties with friends and family — our pods.

4. Zebras — Own your uniqueness

Each zebra has its own stripe pattern — no two are alike. Researchers hypothesize that zebras’ stripes help them hide in the grass, making it difficult for their predators to discern an individual outline to attack. Another more recent theory is that the stripes ward off pesky insects. Their unique coats set these mammals apart looks-wise from all other animals, but their hides also save them. The human lesson is to be grateful for the skin you’re in.

 

5. Rabbits — Adopt a healthy lifestyle


Rabbits epitomize a healthy lifestyle. These little vegans eat mainly green leafy foods. Plus, they are active and agile. Their physically fit and flexible bodies allow them to do the binky, which is often referred to as the “happy bunny dance.” This move is when rabbits jump into the air and twist their head and body in opposite directions. If we humans ate more vegetables and hopped (or even walked) around all day, maybe with practice we could do the binky, too.

 

6. Monkeys — Keep having fun

Monkeys groom each other on a daily basis for two reasons: hygiene and social interaction. This co-grooming goes beyond the “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” mentality because of the social bonding that stems from this activity. Monkeys can make most anything fun — even caregiving. These mischievous, curious primates teach us the importance of social bonds, and also to remember to have fun.

 

By Jill Yanish

Jill was formerly the associate editor for Next Avenue.  She earned a bachelor’s degree in communication from the College of Saint Benedict/Saint John’s University and has written for various Twin Cities publications.

Reading on Conscious Aging

A “senior boom” is happening in American life, and it’s getting bigger by the day. Until very recently, most of the attention paid to this phenomenon has focused on retirement options, pension plans, health care challenges, medical ethics, and research on the biology of aging and the prolongation of life. Surveying recent books, films, and spoken-word audios about later life, we have noticed a number of hopeful signs that signal a broadening and deepening of the way we see the senior years. The added element is an interest in their spiritual dimensions. Here’s a sampling of these new views of aging. (Click on each of the links to read the full review.)

BOOKS

Age Power: How the 21st Century Will Be Ruled by the New Old by Ken Dychtwald (Tarcher/Putnam, 1999)
Here is a wakeup call intended to offer preventative solutions to the age-related questions we face as individuals and as a society. “How we decide to behave as elders will,” writes Dychtwald, “in all likelihood, become the most important challenge we will face in our lives.”

Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders by Mary Pipher (Riverhead, 1999)
This informative and salutary work is designed to help forge ties between the baby boom generation and their parents, who are now residing in the country of old age.

The Force of Character and the Lasting Life by James Hillman (Random House, 1999)
This imaginative, compelling, and always thought-provoking volume turns conventional ideas about aging upside down. In three bold sections, the best-selling author of The Soul’s Code shows how our characters are enriched, deepened, and made meaningful by long life.

From Age-ing to Sage-ing by Zalman Schachter-Shalomi and Ronald Miller (Warner, 1997)
The Jewish elder who coined the term “spiritual eldering” presents his thoughts on the last stage of life. This is a time to for men and women to “contemplate their life journey, harvest the wisdom of their years, and transmit a legacy to future generations.”

Gray Heroes: Elder Tales from Around the World by Jane Yolen, editor (Penguin Books, 1999)
The editor has gathered a fascinating batch of stories from different cultures about “elders who wear their years well.” The tales are divided into four sections: wisdom, trickery, adventure, and a little bit of love.

On Women Turning 70: Honoring the Voices of Wisdom by Cathleen Rountree (Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1999)
Sixteen extraordinary women tell their stories and share their feelings on turning 70.

Passion for Life: Lifelong Psychological and Spiritual Growth by Anne Brennan and Janice Brewi (Continuum, 1999)
With the doubling of life expectancy since the beginning of the twentieth century, men and woman are challenged to become “architects of their own aging.” The second half of life has become an arena for continued growth and development, i.e. soul-making.

Spiritual Passages: Embracing Life’s Sacred Journey by Drew Leder (Tarcher/Putnam, 1997)
The author taps into all the world’s religions for insights into qualities which can be unfurled by elders. He presents a substantive and sacred model for aging that celebrates self-exploration, change, service, suffering, transformation, and facing death.

A Time to Live: Seven Steps of Creative Aging by Robert Raines (Plume, 1998)
The former director of Kirkridge Retreat and Study Center has written a bright and buoyant volume about the art of creative aging. He masterfully sets anecdotes from his own life alongside poignant illustrative material from contemporary novels, films, and political events.

Toward Holy Ground: Spiritual Directions for the Second Half of Life by Margaret Guenther (Cowley, 1995)
The author uses St. Anne as a model and wisdom figure for later life when ambiguity, service of others, and wonder are given free play.

Understanding Men’s Passages: Discovering the New Map of Men’s Lives by Gail Sheehy (Ballantine, 1999)
The bestselling author presents a rounded portrait of the different stages of “second adulthood” for men including “the fearless fifties” and “the influential sixties.”

VIDEOS

I’m Not Rappaport (MCA/Universal, 1996)
This feisty drama revolves around an 81-year-old Jewish radical who is a modern-day Don Quixote fighting injustice. He and his best friend have to stand up for themselves in a society that seems determined to treat elders as if they were invisible.

Men With Guns (Columbia TriStar, 1998)
A common task in old age is to secure one’s legacy. A wealthy physician in an unnamed Latin American country who is nearing retirement decides to visit the medical students he trained to serve poor villagers in the countryside. His quest opens and softens his heart.

Nobody’s Fool (Paramount, 1995)
This movie shows that the last stage of life can be one of personal renewal. A crusty and cantankerous handyman in a small town discovers that it is never too late to stir the ashes and light up your life with the glow that comes from love of family and friends.

The Shell Seekers (Republic Pictures, 1994)
A 63-year-old Englishwoman suffers a heart attack and is compelled to review her life and her view of happiness.

The Straight Story (Walt Disney Home Video, 1999)
Alvin Straight is a stubborn and highly principled 73-year-old Iowan who sets out on his John Deere lawnmower to visit his estranged brother who has suffered a heart attack in Wisconsin. His deep yearning for reconciliation gives him the energy and strength he needs to fulfill his mission.

Strangers in Good Company (Touchstone, 1991)
A group of long-lived women take shelter in an abandoned farmhouse when their tour bus breaks down. While they wait for other transportation, they share the stories of their lives with each other.

Waking Ned Devine (Fox, 1999)
In this comedy set in a small village in Ireland, two of the town’s elders creatively expand the possibilities for community life.

SPOKEN-WORD AUDIO

Conscious Aging: A Creative and Spiritual Journey by Various Speakers (Sounds True, 1992)
Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, Marion Woodman, Maggie Kuhn, Ram Dass, and Bernie Siegel present their ideas on elders as bearers of wisdom, healing, creativity, and vision. This audio program was taped during a conference at the Omega Institute.

The Second Half of Life: The Blossoming of Your Creative Self by Angeles Arrien (Sounds True, 1998)
This teacher and cultural anthropologist explores the three major themes of elderhood: generativity, intimacy, and creativity. This six-cassette package is filled with soul-stirring stories and spiritual practices from indigenous peoples and Greek mythology.

 

5 Myths About Aging

Do you think health complaints are just part of getting older? Our experts bust that myth and help you live better.

Lost sleep, low energy, lagging libido. Those are among the health problems that we often consider a given as we get older. But new research shows they don’t always have to be part and parcel of aging.

“People often blame things on aging that are really due to, say, an underlying medical issue that can be treated, or to a side effect from a drug that they are taking,” says Sharon Brangman, M.D., division chief of geriatrics at Upstate Medical University in Syracuse, N.Y., and a former president of the American Geriatrics Society.

Even your attitude can have an impact. Studies suggest that older adults who think certain health problems are unavoidable have more of them, including poorer memory and a longer recovery from illness. Perhaps that’s because they’re less interested in engaging in healthy behavior that can protect them from disease.

Why do these myths about aging persist? Many physicians have outdated assumptions about older patients, Brangman says. “Most doctors graduated from medical school when geriatrics wasn’t stressed, so they may not know how to respond best to a situation and instead just choose to give a patient another pill,” she says.

We debunk five common myths about aging and give advice on steps you can take to avoid or overcome them.

Myth 1: You’ll Sleep Poorly

Sleep patterns do change as we age. “It takes longer to fall asleep, and you tend to have more frequent awakenings than younger individuals,” says Raj Dasgupta, M.D., a sleep specialist at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles. You also get less delta—or slow-wave—sleep. That deeper stage helps you consolidate memory. And without enough sleep you feel more tired, irritable, and forgetful during the day.

But many sleep problems common among older people stem from other causes, notably medication used to treat unrelated health conditions. For example, diuretics taken to lower high blood pressure or treat heart failure can cause you to wake up frequently during the night to go to the bathroom.

What you should do: First, ask yourself whether you’re bothered by your changing sleep pattern. “If it’s not affecting your quality of life, it’s not a problem that needs to be fixed,” Dasgupta says.

If you’re unhappy with it, ask your doctor whether any drug you take or underlying health problem could be affecting your sleep.

If those possibilities are ruled out, consider cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s better than medication for sleep problems, research has found. A psychologist can help you practice good sleep habits, such as getting up and going to sleep at the same time each day. That type of short-term counseling often requires several one-hour sessions. “It can be tough to stick to initially,” Dasgupta says, “but if you do, you can really see benefits.”

Watch out for: Sleeping pills. Almost one-third of older adults are prescribed those drugs, but they help people stay asleep only a few additional minutes per night, research by Consumer Reports Best Buy Drugs suggests.

And the drugs can pose such risks as next-day grogginess, confusion, and memory problems, especially in older adults, who are more sensitive to side effects from them than younger people.

Myth 2: You’ll Become Frail

About one-third of people older than 65 fall every year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That’s due in part to a natural decrease in blood flow to the cerebellum—the brain’s balancing center—as well as inner ear and vision changes that make it more difficult to orient yourself, says Mary Tinetti, M.D., chief of geriatrics at the Yale School of Medicine in New Haven. That decline is often exacerbated by conditions like arthritis and nutritional deficiencies that can lead to nerve damage in the feet.

What you should do: Check your balance and strength. “I stress to all my patients that even at age 75 they should be able to get up from a chair without using the arms, walk across the room, turn quickly, and sit down without any unsteadiness,” Tinetti says.

If you can’t, see your doctor, who can check for underlying conditions that can affect balance (a vitamin B12 deficiency, a slow heart rate, or cataracts, for example). He can also refer you to a physical therapist, who can teach you exercises that strengthen muscle and improve balance.

Watch out for: Blood pressure meds. They sometimes lower your blood pressure too much, causing dizziness when you stand and increasing the risk of falls­, especially when starting those drugs or upping a dose. A May 2016 study of 90,127 older adults found a 36 percent increase in serious falls during the first 15 days after starting blood pressure medication.

If you think your medication might be having that effect on you, ask your doctor to check your orthostatic blood pressure, which means comparing your pressure when you’re lying down with your pressure when you stand up. If that test detects a problem, talk with her about lowering your dose or possibly eliminating the drug entirely.

Myth 3: You Will Have No Interest in Sex

For women, levels of both estrogen and testosterone have declined by menopause, which can lower the sex drive and make sex physically uncomfortable. Many older men still have a strong sex drive, but they may have erection problems because of low blood flow to the penis as a result of clogged arteries stemming from such conditions as high cholesterol and blood pressure levels.

Despite those changes, “as people are living longer, healthier lives, they have all the same expectations that they have in their younger years, which includes sexuality,” says Marc Agronin, M.D., medical director of mental health and clinical research at Miami Jewish Health Systems.

What you should do: If you’re unhappy with your sex life (and not everyone with diminished sexual interest is), talk with your physician. He should check for conditions such as diabetes that can affect arousal. You should also be screened for mood disorders, because up to 90 percent of people with untreated depression experience low libido.

Watch out for: A jump to medication. “Even among older people, psychological issues such as a poor relationship are often the basis for sexual problems, and no medication can fix that,” Agronin says.

More men and even some women are being prescribed testosterone, but taking supplemental doses of it is no magical cure. It has been linked to an increased risk of heart disease in men, for example, and possibly to breast cancer in women.

Prescription drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, including sildenafil (Viagra) and tadalafil (Cialis), can help some men. But they can also cause such side effects as dizziness, headaches, and blurred vision, so be cautious with them. The Food and Drug Administration approved a drug called flibanserin (Addyi) in 2015 for boosting libido in women, but research suggests it isn’t very effective.

Myth 4: Confusion and Memory Loss Are the Norm

“As part of so-called ‘normal’ aging, your mind does slow a bit,” says Ronald Petersen, M.D., a neurologist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. Brain neurochemicals change over time, he says, which explains the little glitches, such as forgetting where you put your keys or the name of a friend at a party.

But only up to 20 percent of people experience more serious problems with thinking or memory, studies suggest. And even that can sometimes be slowed. “Brain aging is not passive—there’s a lot you can do to slow down the process,” says Gary Small, M.D., director of the UCLA Longevity Center. (Read more about how to preserve your memory as you age.)

What you should do: Make sure your doctor screens for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, sleep apnea, and depression—untreated, they can cause cognitive changes—and for hearing and vision loss. If you’re straining to hear or see, your brain can’t focus on encoding memories, Small says.

Watch out for: Antihistamines such as diphenhydramine (Benadryl Allergy, Nytol, Sominex, and generic), anti-anxiety drugs such as diazepam (Valium and generic), and antidepressants such as amitriptyline. They have been linked to cognitive impairment and dementia.

Myth 5: You’ll Become Lonely and Depressed

Older people are no more likely than younger ones to be depressed, says Robert Roca, M.D., chairman of the American Psychiatric Association’s Council on Geriatric Psychiatry.

And when they do become depressed, “usually it stems from a loss associated with growing older,” Roca explains. “They lose loved ones or friends, they lose their identity because they retire, their physical vigor declines and they can’t do as many activities as they used to.”

What you should do: Ask your doctor to screen for depression. She can do that with a simple quiz that covers such topics as appetite loss and sleep difficulties.

If you’re mildly depressed, increasing your physical and social activities can help, Roca says. The next step might be therapy—either cognitive behavioral therapy or interpersonal psychotherapy—or, if your depression doesn’t ease, medication.

Watch out for: Anti-anxiety medications. Some doctors prescribe them to treat depression, but this class of drugs, known as benzodiazepines, isn’t appropriate for that purpose. Those drugs also carry the same risks as sleeping pills for older adults, and they can be addictive.

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