BLOG

Aging Gracefully

Posted on by Dr. Toni

Recently, I’ve been running across a lot of online writing about growing old with grace. Most of them are saccharine and say the same few things:

Stay active
Be social
Serve others
Laugh

Some throw in the phrase “stay in love.” That’s how you can tell it is mostly young people who write this stuff. They aren’t old enough to have lost a spouse of many decades yet. As to the first four – well, duh. But they speak more to health than grace.

Yes, that overused, well-worn idea that no two people define the same way. What I have come to after nearly 20 years of reading, studying and thinking about age is that a graceful old age cannot happen (whatever the definition) without accepting our age and saying farewell to our youth.

There is the perennial question about when is someone old. Many people – some who have commented on the subject at this blog – think 50 or 55 is still young.

Really? Anyone who hangs on to that belief hasn’t had to look for a job at that age. Workplace age discrimination starts at 40 – even 35 in the case of women – and it becomes painfully obvious in job interviews that even people your own age think you’re old.

In western culture, 50 to 55 is the beginning of old age. But that’s a good thing. Geriatricians and researchers who study aging tell us that on average these days, the diseases of old age don’t start to kick in until about age 75.

So if we do not deny that aging is inevitable and do not obsessively try to prolong youth, we have 20 or 25 years before we hit old-old age to discover, move toward and live in a stage of life that is as different and distinct as childhood is from adolescence and adulthood.

Oh, the books and movies and TV shows and 50-plus websites and anti-aging “experts” will incessantly proclaim that we must and can maintain the appearance and behavior of people 20 and 30 years younger by whatever means they are touting – chemical, surgical, pharmaceutical.

They foist examples upon us of “supergrans” and “supergrandads” who climb mountains at age 80 and skydive at 90, strongly implying that we who don’t are failing to keep up.

The best thing we can do is ignore them and rejoice in our aliveness for they believe only exteriors matter. If we don’t listen to them, we can continue to love ourselves however different our bodies become.

Be honest, now: does having a saggy, old body prevent you from being happy, prevent you from knowing pleasure, however you derive it? Of course, it doesn’t.

What makes any- and everyone beautiful in old age is acceptance of their years, of themselves as they are.

After about 60, it is a victory of sorts just to awaken in the morning. We can face each new day with sadness for our lost youth or with joy for our luck at reaching this time of life. It’s a personal choice.

We eagerly said farewell to childhood when adolescence beckoned and goodbye to that stage of life when adulthood was upon us. It is a mistake – one of monumental proportions, I believe – to cling to adulthood when age arrives.

Instead, when we accept the losses age imposes on us – youth, physical power, our position in society – say yes to old age, open ourselves to its mysteries and live every day in the present tense with passion and an open heart, we can’t help but experience this time as an opportunity for happiness, fulfillment, joy and in time, serenity.

In moving on from adulthood, we allow ourselves to grow into new dimensions of life and we get a chance at completion.

That is, at our own pace over the remaining years, we can review our pasts, learn to forgive our failures and trespasses, face our regrets – those coulda, shoulda, wouldas – find some peace and, maybe, wisdom.

I don’t want to waste those wonderful opportunities by pretending I’m not old enough for them.

In no way do I mean to dismiss the debilities and diseases that can shadow old age and make everyday life difficult. But I do mean to say that we can explore distant horizons even as our physical worlds may shrink. All we need to do is ignore the charlatans of anti-aging and most of all:

Adapt as circumstances require
Accept our limits with humor
Find new pleasures to replace the ones we must surrender

In these acts, I believe, we find grace in old age.

Course in Conscious Aging

Posted on by Dr. Toni

When Social Security first came into being, our life span was thought to be about 70 years at most. Since we have learned so much medically and nutritionally, people are living far longer. In 1776, someone born in the US was expected to live to about 35. Lifestyle and technical advances have more than doubled that figure. The National Institute of Aging projects that by the middle of the next century, life expectancy will be nearly 92 for women and 86 for men.

Today, more than 35 million are over the age of 65 (that’s about 1/7 th of the population – and with the baby boomers coming of age, the Census Bureau in the US predicts that the over 70 million born between 1946 and 1964 will reach retirement age.

Until recently, aging was regarded with disdain, with an expectancy of waning vigor and even social uselessness. But the stereotypes are slowly changing and some seniors are becoming more and more interested in true lifelong learning, healthy lifestyles and even political activism. We are truly seeing a population reinventing itself and living more consciously.

Negative Stereotypes

Even gerontologists no longer regard the negative stereotypes to which we have become accustomed as a natural outcome of aging. We no longer need to expect physical and mental decline in later years. Unfortunately, not everyone believes this and many still hold beliefs that keep them from aging gracefully.

The course- Embracing The Aging Process is meant to show its users that there is a way to age successfully and consciously, so that the later years can actually be ones of increased physical strength, continued intellectual growth and stimulation, ongoing meaningful ‘work’ or purposeful living, and a renewed sense of leaving a lasting legacy to future generations.

The aging process can become, not a time of crisis, but a time of increased self-development and spiritual growth. In the past, midlife was seen as the beginning of the end. Sociologists are now calling this period a time of ‘sage-ing’ where people are taking their place as elders rather than as the elderly. Our society will be a better place as this new group learns to use this wisdom in service, or what psychologists like Erikson and Jung have called, generativity

9 Practices for Conscious Aging

Posted on by Dr. Toni

By: Marilyn Schlitz

As I live into my own process of aging, my worldview has been informed by the depth and insight of many great teachers. These include masters from different wisdom traditions, health care practitioners, friends facing end of life, and researchers studying the transformative nature of death, dying, and beyond. For decades, the team at the Institute of Noetic Sciences has conducted research, created educational programs, and engaged in conversations on transformations in consciousness. We have been led to an ever-expanding appreciation for the aging process and its transformative potentials. We also have found ourselves moved by a great calling to help reduce the suffering that so many experience. During this process, we have identified nine practices that can help people engage the fullness of their lives, each and every moment.

1. Reflect on Your Assumptions. Stop long enough to reflect on your worldview, beliefs, stereotypes, and assumptions. How might they be limiting you or holding you back? What do you need to change to reflect your highest values and most noble aspirations?

2. Reframe Your Inner Talk. Take note of your critical self-talk, bringing the inner critic into more conscious awareness to help reframe these internal messages as more positive and self-compassionate. As you invite equanimity and self-compassion, wonder and awe into your daily life, even the most mundane aspects of experience can become sacred.

3. Shift Your Perspective. Clear a space in your life that turns away from the popular media and the weapons of “mass distraction” that shape the dominant culture’s view of aging. Find opportunities to pause and ask yourself where you find joy, goodness, and connections. Write down major moments of transformation that have led you to who you are and what gives you meaning. As philosopher Soren Kierkegaard noted, “Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.”

4. Practice Mindful Attention. Bring your attention toward greater self-awareness through simple activities such as meditation, contemplative prayer, journal writing, walks in nature, gardening with mindfulness, and somatic subtle-energy body practices. What do you need to surrender or leave behind? How can you conserve your energy for what has heart and meaning? What still needs healing or forgiveness?

5. Set Intentions. Ask yourself, “What matters most? What values do I want to adhere to?” Based on these reflections, you can craft an intentionality statement so that when challenges and opportunities arise, you will have developed an inner compass with which to navigate and make more conscious life choices.

6. Build New Habits. Challenge your brain with new learnings, explore new activities, dance often, connect with people of different generations, ask a child about his life, or do something new every day. Neuroscience offers us hope that such new habits are possible as we lay down new neural pathways that can help us see the world and ourselves in new ways. As Gandhi said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”

7. Find Guidance. Find a skilled teacher, a study group, and/or a social network that supports your explorations. Whether in virtual or proximal social settings, connecting with others offers a way of living into new patterns and behaviors.

8. Move from I to We. While aging is a personal process, conscious aging is more than a personal quest. It can infuse your life as you promote the transformation of your community. Altruism and compassion born of shared destiny, rather than duty or obligation, can emerge and add joy and purpose to your actions.

9. Death Makes Life Possible. An important part of positive trans-formation involves a reflection on one’s own cosmology of what happens after we die. There are many maps or worldviews on this question, revealing a wide range of viewpoints. In considering them, people can find comfort and a set of possibilities for their understanding. As people grow older, as they come to face their own mortality, they can bring greater awareness to the transformative process that allows a deeper experience of their life journey.

– See more at: http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/nine-practices-conscious-aging#sthash.JzzrW9wU.dpuf

Ram Dass – Lessons on Gratitude

Posted on by Dr. Toni

One of the spiritual lessons I have found quite useful over the years is that there is a great deal of difference between pain and suffering.   Pain is a sensation in the body or in our psychological bodies. Suffering comes only because of the way we choose to interpret the pain as something NOT GOOD – and therefore Not GOD!

I’ve worked with many people who, in the process of aging, have discovered that one of the most poignant ways we learn is through our bodies when they experience illness or pain. I’m reminded of the story about one of the founders of Unity, Myrtle Fillmore. She cured herself by blessing and thanking each organ of her body, praising intelligence within and encouraging it to come to new life! Rather than complain about the pain, she looked for ways to feel gratitude.

Before we can actually begin to be grateful for what we are experiencing in our bodies, we first need to accept what is. There’s a difference between healing and curing. Healing is KNOWING there is nothing wrong!! – Curing is about fixing something so that it can meet our expectation of health or wholeness in any area of our life, remembering that our expectation may not be the highest HEALING!

I have a friend who exemplifies this perfectly. Recently, I got a letter from Jan – who has been mostly confined to bed in utter pain for the past several years. She wrote a long litany of all the reasons she was grateful I was in her life these past few years. It was very moving for me and I’m so asserted that it was healing for her as well.

I recently read a book that reminded me of this once again. Many of you may know Richard Alpert who is more popularly known as RAM DASS. He’s been a leader in the human potential movement since the psychedelic 60’s with Timothy Leary. He then spent years following a guru from India, Maharajii– and doing teachings on higher levels of awareness all over the world.   He wrote several books – one of the most famous being Be Here Now. In the last few years, he had a stroke that left him paralyzed and one of his more recent books is on coping with Aging, Change and Dying. It’s called Still Here. Profound reading!

Ram Dass and Jan got me thinking a lot about the aging process and the opportunities it provides for living either in gratitude or complaint.

Ram Dass talks of several areas of suffering of those who are aging. (I could argue that most of these apply to all of us.) He calls these the usual suspects.

a) Memory Lapse – many people experience bouts of what they call senility (isn’t that one of our greatest fears – losing our minds?) But in the stories he tells, every person feels a sense of gratitude for finally they are able to live in the moment! Could that be what memory loss is attempting to teach us? It’s worth pondering.

b) Loneliness – learn to be quiet and be the witness of it with no denial of feelings. Feel what is. Be aware of your desire to cling to old experiences – or to the desire to relieve the loneliness by whatever means possible..

How to be grateful when you feel lonely? Know that loneliness is not aloneness – which is a moment for the Soul – be quiet, meditate, get to know yourself,

We are never alone. Reach out to someone nearby through your soul who may be feeling the same way. Through compassion and a genuine wish for the suffering of others to cease. When it can’t worry about itself, the ego becomes powerless to feed its own fears. Loneliness can become one of our greatest connections to God and to one another.

c) Embarrassment — Ram Dass at 63 tried to jump on a stage and wound up with his leg mangled and bleeding. He was almost ready to pass out. What he said of this experience was that it gave him the opportunity to let go of self-consciousness. He advises that when we allow ourselves to BECOME the embarrassment and give it complete domination then we can actually feel gratitude rather than complaint.

d)     Powerlessness – when we feel powerless, we are actually viewing the world as a foe rather than friend. So, one secret of spiritual practice is that our limits may become our strengths if we learn to work with them skillfully.   As our bodies slow down, we can use this change to increase our mindfulness. I invite you this week to look at what you think is your major limitation – and for ONE WEEK – see if you can find how it is really your greatest strength. Our cross is really our crown.

e)      Loss of role/meaning – before the ego attaches meaning to itself, we simply ARE.

The way to recognize meaning in life is to KNOW that Life is bigger than whatever we are going through at the moment.   Get a lifelong perspective – or better yet, a many lifelong perspective. If you think of the evolution of a soul, it MUST go through many phases…like the earth –that had to go through eruption – and major breakdown for each new breakthrough – like the caterpillar becoming the butterfly.
How to be grateful?   See everything, even sadness and depression, if that is your experience, as part of the soul’s evolution. If we look back on our lives, we’ll always see that depression was a precursor to amazing spiritual growth.   Mindfulness keeps life in perspective.

How we face situations in life really determines what those situations can offer us.

If you find that it’s difficult to be grateful in the moment, at least rake the time each night to go over the day – Forgive and release that which you would like to have been different – Letting it go every day insures that you’ll not be carrying it for years to come.

There’s a greeting that I put on all my phone messages that I’d like to leave with you today – it’s something we can choose each moment – Have a Great and GRATEFUL day!!