Dr. Toni

“Aging Gracefully from the Heart of Healing.net”

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Enjoy a Vital, Fulfilling Life Regardless of Age

A quick web search on the term “graceful aging” brings up phrases like:

“Combat the signs of aging…”
“Who said that we have to age…”
“Defy the aging process…”

More often than not, aging is viewed as something to be fought off for as long as possible. Regardless of how liberated we’ve become, many women and men still experience aging as a threat to their sense of self worth and quality of life. It is pretty much expected that middle age will bring a “crisis” and far too often we hear seniors lament that “I thought these were supposed to be the golden years.” Whole industries are built on the attempt to stay young – from hair colors to face lifts to Viagra.

Women come into their greatness after menopause.

There is a place for all of these things, of course, but if your reaction to the aging process has you racing to beat time, I’d like to ask you to take a deep breath, relax, and give yourself some space to shift into a different perspective on aging.

What if aging were equated with getting better rather than worse? What if you lived in a culture which reveres the elderly and views them as a repository of power and wisdom? What if it was understood that women really come into their greatness after menopause? Since how we age has so much to do with our attitudes and beliefs, such a shift in perspective could make a world of difference.

Aging Well in the Culture of Youth

violin

To age “gracefully” in a culture which idolizes youth requires inner strength and wisdom. Hopefully we can ask questions together about our common notions and experiences with aging, so that we can not only do away with some myths about aging which limit our quality of life, but also discover some of the “perks” of aging that we often ignore. There are lots of role models who have led the way for us. Did you know, for example, that:

Martha Graham danced professionally until she was 76?
Benjamin Franklin invented bifocals at the age of 78?
Georgia O’Keefe continued painting well into her 90s?

Vitality in “later life” is not just for the famous. Undoubtedly everyone knows at least one person who is living a vital, fulfilling life “despite” their age. This is really the way it should be – life should become better as we age.

Two Basic Requirements of Graceful Aging

What I’ve discovered is that there are two “basic requirements” of graceful aging. To borrow from the “Serenity Prayer”, graceful aging requires the “serenity to accept the things we cannot change; courage to change the things we can; and wisdom to know the difference.”  Certainly acceptance of aging is a key to aging gracefully – but which of the changes that commonly come with age are the “things we cannot change” and which are the “things we can change?”

What You Can and Cannot Change — Importance of Relaxation

These two major requirements of successful aging – accepting the aging process and not accepting what we can change — may at first seem contradictory.  Sometimes success in life involves the ability embrace the paradox that when we accept life at it is at the moment, it paradoxically opens a doorway for positive change. A common example of this is the couple who finally “get pregnant” when they’ve given up and decide to adopt a child.

The bottom line, as I see it, is the ability to relax with whatever challenges us at any given time and that includes the changes aging brings. When we are relaxed, we are open to different ways of looking at things.

Relaxation brings us out of the “fight or flight” mode that causes us to act impulsively, and gives us more ability to reflect on things. Instead of running out to buy some new anti-aging product, we can spend some time examining our fears and learning whether they are based in reality or on some cultural programming that we’d be better off ignoring. 

What We Can Change — The Role of Attitude and Lifestyle

It’s been discovered that attitude has an enormous role in how we age. Much of the decline that people experience with aging comes about due to the belief that decline in function and quality of life is part and parcel of aging. In addition, many of the problems of age are not due to the process of aging itself, but rather due to the effects of a lifetime of stress and poor health habits.

It’s never too late to change the two most important ingredients to graceful aging – attitude and lifestyle.

What We Cannot Change — Coming to Terms with Our Mortality

One thing we absolutely cannot change is the fact that every day brings us closer to death. This one fact alone may account for a great deal of our difficulty with aging.  As soon as we see signs of aging, we are reminded that this body is eventually going to die. As we age, we come face to face with our mortality, and to deal with this we are thrown upon our spiritual resources. Our “spiritual health” may well be measured by how we face the fact of our mortality.

With the rest of the things we cannot change, there is more of a gray area, as we are only now starting to make scientific discoveries about the aging process. Nevertheless, it’s safe to say that aging will bring change.  With menopause, both male and female, we begin to live with a different hormonal environment. The appearance and function of our body changes and requires that we adapt. Our roles change dramatically as our children grow older and leave home, and we become grandparents rather than parents. At some point, many of us become parents to our parents as they enter their final years.

Growing older also brings more loss. Not only is there loss of many aspects of being young, more people we know die. This may be one of the most difficult aspects of aging.  If we haven’t learned to grieve earlier in life, the all important task of learning to live with loss must be learned to avoid psychological and health problems. 

Finding a Balance

Finally, graceful aging means finding a balance between acceptance of the inevitability of aging and doing what we can to remain vital and healthy as long as possible. Once again, we emphasize the importance of relaxing. Acceptance involves relaxation into life and the ability to flow with change. When we are relaxed, we stop fighting the inevitable. At the same time, relaxation is a key to better health and greater vitality.

 

Getting Clear

Posted on by Dr. Toni
Getting Clear The procedure to clear a negative or troubling belief.
You may like to print this out first, then fill in the form:   THE GETTING CLEAR WORKSHEET I have something that is bothering me. I am willing to look at it and identify it. What is it? What just happened? _________________________________________________ For example, someone may be playfully teasing you, but you perceive that they are trying to “get at you.” You may even get angry at them and tell them to stop “pushing you around.” Therefore, you have a belief, or a perception, that people push you around, that you will be attacked, put down, or made to feel stupid, less than, or inferior in some way. This means that YOU may believe, or have a perception that (a) people can and will do something bad to you, and (b) that you are “not good enough,” that you are less than in some way. Therefore your response and feelings will come from what you believe. Check out what it is that you believe. Now you fill out this sentence… This is how I interpreted, or perceived, what just happened: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ I felt: (angry, sad, happy, fearful) _____________________________________________________ After you identify what is bothering you, how you “perceived” what happened, and what emotion went along with that perception, ask yourself this question: Is this perception coming from a place of Truth, or is it coming from Fear? Is there Fear somewhere behind all of this? Truth ______________________________________ Fear _______________________________________ What am I afraid of? What do I think is happening or going to happen here? _____________________________________________________ Answer this: When did I decide to believe this? What do I believe about myself? what happened in my life that I decided life was just this way? _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Answer this: Did anyone make me believe this, or did I decide to believe it in my own mind? _____________________________________________________ If I believe in this, will I continue to make it keep happening? Yes _________ No _________ Could I have made a different decision about life, or myself? __________________________________________________ I could have seen it this way: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ or, this way _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Fill out the following sentences… When I think this way, or believe this (for example, that people will push me around, or try to get at me), I create this kind of experience: I ____________________________________________________ I ____________________________________________________ I ____________________________________________________ I ____________________________________________________ And then I feel: _____________________________________________________ Now you see what your perceptions are, and what strategies you created to cope with what you believe is going on. Strategies are always created to try to keep you safe in some way. You also see what you create by believing this way. And you see what you create from holding onto a perception, which creates a certain emotion. If you have sadness stored in you, you will continue to see life’s experiences as sad, etc., and to create more sad experiences. Now, you say to yourself, “Do I still want to keep on reacting this way?”
“Do I really believe that (for example) people are out to get me?”
“Do I really believe that I am stupid? Yes ________ No ________ Ask… Does believing this help or hurt my life? Helps ________ Hurts________ If everything is a mirror for me, a mirror for what’s going on inside of me, the beliefs and issues I have about myself and life, then what this experience is showing me about myself is: _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Then ask yourself, “What new belief would I rather have?”
Write it here… I would rather believe that _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ What emotion will I feel if I believe this new belief? How will I feel? _____________________________________________________ Am I willing to experience that emotion? _____________________________________________________ In order to believe this, and feel this, I will align myself with a Higher Truth. I will see and understand that : I AM _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ That Life is _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ That Other People _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ When I believe this way, I feel _____________________________________________________ I am now WILLING, READY, and I fully ALLOW this old belief, _____________________________________________________, to be completely and easily and 100% released. In its place, I am willing and allow myself to have this perception _____________________________________________________ and I believe that ______________________________________. I now allow myself to feel _______________________________ . I accept this new belief and have made a new choice for myself and my life. I give thanks.                      

“Aging as a Spiritual Journey”

Posted on by Dr. Toni
Ron Cebik

Ron Cebik from Huffington Post

Psychotherapist & Teacher

It happens. Yes, we all come to the moment we realize we are growing old. It just happens differently for each of us. If we picture our life span as a trajectory with an ascendency, peak, and descent, somewhere after the peak, we notice changes and events that indicate loss. Wrinkles appear where there was smoothness. Our energy ?ags or our muscles no longer do what we had demanded of them. Some things are gradual to the point of not being apparent for years while other events are dramatic indices of decline. Whatever it is, what was gained in ascendency is the victim of attrition. When we choose to avoid what is happening, in the words of the Bhagavad Gita, our choice is in vain, for nature will compel us to look into the face of reality. That is why I have chosen to characterize “aging” as a spiritual journey.

The descent from midlife into old age and ?nally a confrontation with mortality has a melancholy tone that is a residual of the grief that accompanies loss. It is the challenge with which life confronts the character we and culture have built to this moment. Now, we are tested for the courage to continue the rest of the journey with integrity or despair our lot as the bearers of what was, dreading what lies ahead with the complaints of the present. That is why aging is a spiritual journey. It is a test of character to understand life, itself. It is a time to leave acquisition behind and learn to be. That is the goal of spirituality. It is not the easy answers that assuage the fears of aging, but asking the hard questions of life?s meaning that comprise the journey that ends with the expiration of our final breath.

For 15 years I have experienced the loss of my mobility and speech. I am, by nature, subject to a melancholy, that by some grace, has the beauty of an underlying religious chant that gives a certain pleasurableness to experiencing the ambiguity of life?s experiences. In my eighth decade, I have reached a modicum of stability. That is not necessarily desirable. In a world of systems subject to the laws of thermodynamics, stability is achieved when forces are in balance (they cancel out one another?s effects) or there is not enough energy to enable the system to change or grow. In the biosphere, this is known as death. Stability is only desirable when it can be punctuated by the input of enough energy to enable a system to achieve a new level of complexity. Otherwise, the system disintegrates, its matter becoming a source of energy and matter for other systems. In biology those systems range from microbes to the sentient beings known as humans. This is just another way of describing aging and death. However, it is also a way of describing what it is to be human without the hubris that envisions all that is as orbiting in the gravitational pull of my being.

Mitch Album, in his book Tuesdays With Morrie, described his conversations with his old professor dealing with his own confrontation with aging and mortality. Morrie, similarly dealing with neurological wasting, viewed life, in my opinion, through the lens of an optimist and had a somewhat saccharine world view. That being said, I have grown patient with the modern American penchant for romanticizing those who “keep a stiff upper lip” or go beyond “coping” to making their adversity into a small stage production. The alternative is avoiding contact with the presence of decay and death. Morrie followed his life-long path of buoyant optimism into his time of wasting. It brought companionship, meaning, and posthumous fame. That path, celebrated as the American spiritual ideal, is only a path amongst many. I do not believe we choose our paths as much as we follow those paths for which we have maps; maps constructed from the myriad experiences and decisions melded into the complexities of what we are.

No one has asked me what it is like to be crippled or unable to communicate as a facile conversationalist. No one has inquired into what it is like to live with the threat that another complicating ailment or accident taking me over the edge to complete disablement. Perhaps that is because people truly want happy endings. I believe in endings, all manner of endings, but a happy ending is only one of an almost endless number of possible endings. Yet, in even the most buoyant personality, there is a haunting awareness that endings do not mean completeness. Life cycles are most often truncated and tragic. Endings happen, but their times and circumstances are, at best, approximate guesses. That is what makes life both an adventure and a terror.

Nature is like that. In order to ?nd the best solution to the problem of both survival and the best route to evolving complexity, she will simultaneously attempt variations on a solution until she comes up with the best answer. Success equals survival and failure amounts to fading and death. Such extravagance strikes the human mind as wasteful and demeaning. No person wants to think that one?s life is simply nature?s throw of the dice. We want to tie our individual history up into a neat little package that is stamped “complete.” It takes courage to look incompleteness in the eye and say “yes” to what is of what we are before that ?nal expiration.

“The Way We Were” is locked The Way We Were

Posted on by Dr. Toni

The secret to aging gracefully

Are these words familiar to you?

“Memories, light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories of the way we were.
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
smiles we give to one another
for the way we were.
Can it be that it was all so simple then
or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we? Could we?”

They are words from the romantic Barbra Streisand song from “The Way We Were.” They strike a chord in all our hearts as we move pass midlife and into our senior years. We all have memories that we tend to romanticize and often wish things could be just the way they were. Yet this should not prevent us from aging gracefully.

Holding on to the past can block us

Actually, holding on to past memories can be the very thing that blocks us from aging gracefully.  The saddest people I know are those that keep remembering when and regretting that things are no longer the same. As we age, there ARE some things we can’t do as well as we could when we were younger, and some things we can no longer do at all.  

Living our present experiences can free us

What I have come to realize, and what has been most helpful to my friends and clients, is to recognize that while we may not be DOING the same things, we can still have the same experiences – at least internally.  For example, I can no longer dance the way I used to when I was young – the legs and the breath just won’t go that far anymore.  I loved to dance, but what I loved about dancing was the freedom of expression that I felt when I did it.  That freedom is something that I can still experience in many different ways – and I do!

Discovering new ways for aging gracefully can liberate us

What have you ‘given up’ as you have aged?  Can you find the essence of the experience and then discover new ways to fulfill that same desire?  I know you can, and when you do, you will find yourself living more and more in the present rather than wishing things were “the way they were.” That’s the secret to aging gracefully.

“More Better” Syndrome

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“More Better” Syndrome

Most of us spend a good deal of our lives trying to fix ourselves as if we were broken or damaged goods. Did you ever notice how many people talk about WORKING on themselves? “This is what I’m working on right now.” People tell me this all the time. Deep down, I think a lot of us believe that we are flawed; that someday someone is going to find out that something is really WRONG with us. We’ve kept it secret long enough. I remember thinking that for a long time in my life. I no longer think that way.

Maybe it comes from hearing the word NO so much when we were young. I once heard that it was thousands of times a day that we’d hear that. Think about it. Everything you go to do as a little tyke, someone says, “No, don’t go there, and don’t do that”. After a while, you begin to think that something’s wrong with you. Everything I think I’m supposed to do, they tell me not to do. Just being born and growing up in a normal childhood is a confusing state. Or maybe it comes from all the advertisements that tell us we will be okay when we use the right deodorant, or when we use whatever pill the ad is pushing. I’m amazed. “Call your doctor and see if you can use it.” Most of the time they don’t even tell you what it is for – but the assumption is something is wrong with your life and YOU NEED IT – whatever the IT is – in order for your life to be okay. We are bombarded with that message constantly.

Then, there is the goal setting syndrome that says STRIVE for more or at least better. And I do have to admit that I believe in goal setting – not because I think we need to get better than we are, but because I believe that Spirit, God, Itself is continual self-expression. The more we self-express, the more we are emulating God, which is who we are in the first place! So, growth is about becoming more of who we already are. That’s the whole principle behind looking at all these Qualities of God. This is your inherent nature. This is who you are. Grow into this.

So, we are continually being prodded to become ALL we are capable of being. There’s always more. But we need to be careful that we are allowing ourselves to grow because we need to, not simply because we can. Here’s a perfect example of the more, better syndrome:

The rich industrialist from the north was horrified to find the southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe. “Why aren’t you out fishing?” said the industrialist. “Because I have caught enough fish for the day”, said the fisherman. “Whey don’t you catch some more?” “What would I do with them?” “You could earn more money”, was the industrialist’s reply. “With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats – maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me.” “What would I do then?” asked the fisherman. “Then you could REALLY enjoy life.” “What do you think I am doing right now?”

There’s a delicate balance between continually opening ourselves to be more, and knowing that where we are already is perfect, whole, and complete. Wholeness, in this sense, means NOTHING is missing.