Healthy Aging

“Aging is a Triumph, Not a Tragedy”

Posted on by Dr. Toni

So spake the great geriatrician, psychiatrist and elder advocate, Robert N. Butler, who died in December 2010. According to his biographer, W. Andrew Achenbaum, he helped

“…to transform the study of aging from a marginal specialty into an intellectually vibrant field of inquiry.”
Personally, I doubt I would have become an elder advocate myself without having had Butler’s books to teach me.

Robert N. Butler cover artRobert N. Butler, M.D. is the title of this just-published biography of the great man who won a Pulitzer Prize for his 1975 book, Why Survive? Being Old in America and before that, in 1968, coined the term “ageism” as an analog to racism and sexism.

”Butler well understood that ignorance, prejudice, and stereotypes clouded the vision of vital, productive, fruitful aging that he wished to promulgate,” writes Achenbaum.

“In late life,” he continues, “Butler concluded that ageism was even more pernicious than he initially had realized…Butler now called ageism a disease, a morbid fear of decline and death that crippled individuals.”
Robert Butler may not have crushed ageism during his long career but his other achievements transformed attitudes and beliefs about old age that continue to help elders’ well being now and will continue to do so into the future.

Butler was appointed by President Gerald Ford to be the first director of the National Institute on Aging. Later he established the first U.S. department of geriatrics at Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York City.

In 1990, he founded the International Longevity Center (ILC-USA) to pursue the study of health and productivity of old people. Among the organization’s projects was the Age Boom Academy created in 2000 to

”…deepen the understanding on the part of 150 journalists of how the perils and promises of societal aging affected their respective news beats. Ideas germinated in the academy often found mass circulation,” explains Achenbaum.
In 2009, I was privileged to be one of the dozen journalists that year at the week-long Age Boom Academy – all expenses, as every year, paid in full. Dr. Butler brought together the crème de la crème of age researchers and experts from every sub-field imaginable and by the end, it was like being granted a masters degree in aging. Here is one of my stories about the Age Boom Academy.

[DISCLOSURE: Achenbaum quotes from my 2008 interview interview with Dr. Butler which you can read here.]

Achenbaum, who is professor of social work and history in the Graduate School of Social Work at the University of Houston, does a fine job of recounting Butler’s achievements that benefit elders – the remarkably large number of reasons the book is subtitled, Visionary of Healthy Aging.

But it is the many quotations from Achenbaum’s previously unpublished conversations with Butler along with the book’s epilogue – Butler’s unfinished “life review” in his own words – that most captured my attention.

Some thoughts from Butler you too may find provocative:

“Why do we have so much trouble enjoying the moment? This was not as true when we were children.”
“When a young person writes a novel he writes an autobiography; when an old person writes an autobiography, he writes a novel.”
“There is a dark side to the lives of those of wealth and privilege; they do not need to carry out the most elemental aspects of existence, the preparing of their own food and taking care of their own personal needs. In a perverse sense, elementality is a luxury of poverty.”
“Old age is no longer equivalent to disease, infirmity, frailty, decrepitude and slowing down. The brain is proving to be subject to repair and growth and this plasticity promises greater cognitive health.”
“The challenge is how to better understand, shape and value this new old age. Older persons themselves should define this portion of their lives, and not passively allow the culture to do so.

“They are the pioneers who have interest into the redefined old age and do not accept aging and disability as inevitable, unpreventable and untreatable. Society and culture, of course, have catching up to do.”

Wisdom – To Celebrate Growing Older

Posted on by Dr. Toni

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument.  Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God.  He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don’t worry;  God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath.  It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful.  Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything.  Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life.  Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time.  Accept what you already have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

 

Friendship, Healthy Aging and your Life Review

Posted on by Dr. Toni

In the quest for healthy aging, many people turn to doctors, self-help books or herbal supplements. But they overlook a powerful tool that could help them fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging and prolong life: their friends.

Even Researchers are starting to pay attention to the importance of friendship and social networks in overall health.

One of the things I did when creating my Life Review was to write a list

(by decade) of who the important people were in my life at that time. You’d be amazed at how many people have crossed your path in a lifetime.
Yes, I did find that some of them have transitioned to another plane and some I am no longer in touch with. Even that is a great thing to ponder. Why do some friends make it for the long haul and others seem to be there for only a brief moment in time? Each of us would answer that differently.

(Would love to hear your ideas on this – please comment below this article.)

What follows is a summary of something I learned long ago in life, but the list was originally put together by Dale Carnegie. It’s worth pondering.

Dale Carnegie’s Six Rules for Winning Friends:

 

1. Be genuinely interested in other people.

Friend – a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Starhawk:Community.  Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats.

Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power.

Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing.  A circle of friends.  Someplace where we can be free.

WHERE IS YOUR COMMUNITY?

2. Smile.   A man without a smiling face must not open shop.

There are some people who are very resourceful at being remorseful

And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends

Is to do something terrible and then make amends.  Ogden Nash

A bumptious playwright who had a new show opening sent a couple of tickets for the first night to the mayor of the city with a note suggesting that the chief executive could bring a friend, if you have one.

The mayor returned the tickets with a courteous letter stating that previous engagements made it impossible for him to see the show the opening night, but he would purchase two tickets for the second performance – if there was one!.

3. Remember that a person’s name to that person is the sweetest and most important sound in the language.

Let you be who you are.  Complement your weaknesses… not talk about them
Real friends are those who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel that you’ve done a permanent job.

Every man should keep a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends.

Say only what is TRUE,  NECESSARY ,  KIND

4. Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.  Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.

Be more ready to visit a friend in adversity than in prosperity.

Unless you bear with the faults of a friend, you betray your own.

A false friend is like a shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade

WHO AM I WILLING TO COMMIT TO

A friend is one to whom we may pour out the contents of our hearts, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

Between friends, there is a silent mental communication — telepath

5. Talk in terms of the other’s interests

What friends have in common is the best interest of each other.

Friends seek to coexist, complement and grow toward greater good with each other. One such example is the relationship between Ruth Eisenberg and Margaret Patrick, pianists who have played to audiences in Canada and the US>  Because of the effect of strokes, one  woman plays piano with her right hand and the other with her left.  Together they produce the mutually harmonious music they both love because each woman is willing to share the best of herself.

6. Make the other person feel important – and do it with sincerity.

I had a marvelous day said the first salesman, made lots of friends of our company.Me too, said the second salesman quite understandingly.  I didn’t sell anything either.

I’ll close this article today by telling you one of my favorite stories that I believe says it all.

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has

its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then

they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

Ageism vs the Healthy Aging Process

Posted on by Dr. Toni

AGEISM
Until recently, aging was regarded with disdain, with an expectancy of waning vigor and even social uselessness. But the stereotypes are changing and seniors are becoming more and more interested in true-life long learning, healthy lifestyles and even political and social activism. We are truly seeing a population reinventing itself. In many of our own minds, however, ageism still exists.

Why Survive: Being Old in America
.Robert Butler, in his insightful, ground-breaking best-seller, Why Survive: Being Old in America (Harper & Rowe, 1975), defines ageism as:
“. . . a process of systematic stereotyping of and discrimination against people because they are old, just as racism and sexism accomplish this with skin color and gender. Old people are categorized as senile, rigid in thought and manner, old-fashioned in morality and skills . . . Ageism allows the younger generation to see older people as different from themselves; thus they subtly cease to identify with their elders as human beings. . . . Ageism, like all prejudices, influences the self-view and behavior of its victims. The elderly tend to adopt negative definitions of themselves and to perpetuate the very stereotypes directed against them, thereby reinforcing society’s beliefs.” (pp 12-13)

Fear of Aging
Instead of acknowledging aging as a normal, natural process that can and ought to purify us and help us to continue our spiritual growth, ageism teaches us to fear our aging process. Society teaches us starting when we are very young to deny it and as we reach middle age and older, to do all that we can to prevent it. In fact, there is a whole new longevity field that presents itself as ‘anti-aging.’

The process of aging itself, strikes most individuals as a burden, a problem to be dealt with rather than a vehicle to learn the spiritual lessons we may have missed in our younger years.

In counteracting the negativism of ageism, as well as in developing their own personal spirituality of aging, older adults (in midlife and beyond) may wish to reflect on
Universal spiritual principles:

1. Living in the now — the present moment. The past is important; it has shaped us and brought us to the present moment. Memories, especially the good ones, need to be treasured and brought to consciousness from time to time. Good memories help provide a sense of wellbeing and validate one’s life. Painful memories remind us that there is still work to do. The future is not yet, and while planning needs to be done and relishing up-coming events can give one a reason for “getting out of bed,” the reality is that life is not lived in the future. It is in the present moment that we encounter our God. God is not a god of the past; nor is God a god of the future. God is God of the present moment. Memory lapses may be God’s way of calling us to the present moment.

2. God is near and God is Good. Deliberately engaging in memory work helps to bring home the realization that God has always been at work in the course of one’s life. Oftentimes, it is only as we look back over life’s events that we recognize how we have been aided by grace in so many circumstances of our lives. . It is sometimes only in retrospect that we can see how things that seemed to be random, actually fit perfectly in the plan of our lives. Life Review serves to help us live in a continual space of awe and gratitude.

Life Review can also be a springboard to new possibilities. There can often be a seed of new opportunity in paths we once chose not to take.

Memory work also reminds us — sometimes painfully — that there is much messiness in life and that before our life is complete, we may want to clean up loose ends. A significant part of our “letting go” is completion or release of those loose ends, perhaps especially in the delicate art of mending broken or damaged relationships.

3. It is in giving that we receive. The aging process in midlife (& beyond) is a calling, not to a time of crisis or social uselessness, but to a time of increased self-development and spiritual growth. In the past, midlife was seen as the beginning of the end. Sociologists are now calling this period a time of ‘sage-ing’ where people are taking their place as elders rather than as the elderly. Our society will be a better place as this new group learns to use this wisdom in service, or what psychologists like Erikson and Jung have called, generativity. Women and men somehow wrestle with the mystery of suffering in their lives and in our world. Old age gives one the precious opportunity to leisurely pray about and reflect on this great mystery and possibly integrate it in our lives each one in his/her own unique way. The invitation is universal and to the point:

A spirituality of aging focuses in on the aging process itself as the ordinary human process that our soul uses to bring us to closer to God. The process of aging itself is the grist for the mill that allows that experience to grow.