Aging Gracefully

Aging Invisibly – or not

Posted on by Dr. Toni

A poem from Shel Silverstein nicely captures the invisibility that cloaks people as we get old:

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that too.”

The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
“I do that too,” laughed the old man.”

Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”

“But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”

And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
“I know what you mean,” said the old man.

In an interview in Australia’s The Age several years ago, mystery writer Ruth Rendell talked about an instance of invisibility at her age – then, 76:

“…I am not going to pretend that growing old is all sweetness and light. And this is not because of my outlook on life and my attitude, but very much because of the way younger people view old age.

“Old women especially are invisible. I have been to parties where no one knows who I am, so I am ignored until I introduce myself to someone picked at random. Immediately word gets round and I am surrounded by people who tell me they are my biggest fans. This is fine for me, but what about the others, my contemporaries, left isolated?”

And so it goes. I have my own stories of being made invisible and I know you do too. But sometimes – oh, so rarely and therefore amazingly – we are, for moment or two, noticed.

It was last week and I had stopped in my local Rite-Aid to replenish a couple of personal items. A new girl, impossibly young from the vantage point of my 71 years, was at the checkout stand. I could tell she was new because she wore a name tag that said, “Trainee.”

An older clerk was observing and helping out by packing up the purchases. As the trainee handed me change, she blurted out, “What beautiful hair you have.”

I say “blurted” because it was like that. The statement erupted from her spontaneously and I think we were both surprised.

Now, my hair is gray, fading lately toward white. It’s rather long and I usually wear it pulled back in a clip of some sort to keep it out of my face. Nothing special. But the obviously genuine compliment was.

We both grinned as our gazes connected. I said thank you then as she turned to the next customer and I left the store.

A small moment that the young trainee may not remember at all. But a small moment that made my day and has delighted me each time I have recalled it.

 

FROM Time Goes By

6 Wise and Funny Lessons on Aging — From Animals

Posted on by Dr. Toni

These amazing creatures can teach us a lot about finding pleasure in life

Aging gracefully can present challenges. Human role models, like, say, Betty White or George Clooney, can show us how it’s done. The animal realm can, too. Just for fun, we pulled these six examples of animal inspiration. Enjoy!

 

1. Tortoises — Take life slow and enjoy the ride

Tortoises are one of the most ancient creatures on the planet, living up to age 150. With an average speed of .17 mph, they’re not winning sprints, but they are highly effective burrowers and have evolved to survive the harsh conditions of the desert. They endure. Tortoises may not be what you’d call the sexiest animals around, but they teach an important life lesson: Slow and steady wins the race.

 

2. Elephants — Share your memories

Elephants’ brains, the largest among land mammals at about 10.5 pounds (10 percent of their body weight, vs. a human’s 2 percent), are complex. They have the ability to grieve and elephants have been observed performing burial-like ceremonies. Elephants also have excellent problem solving skills; the well-known example of Asian elephant Bandula unhooking the shackles on her feet and then freeing other captive elephants shows a keen intelligence. Scientists have found that older elephants are better at making crucial decisions, such as searching for food and protecting the herd from predators, because of their remarkable memory. We humans can look to elephants for inspiration to share our lifetime of experiences and use our hard-earned knowledge as leaders.

 

3. Dolphins — Stay true to your friends and family


Dolphins are extremely social and form tight-knit groups, called pods, which range from five to hundreds of members. These aquatic animals are so loyal that they have been observed staying with sick or injured pod members. Dolphins can be friendly to humans, and there are numerous news stories of dolphins rescuing people from drowning and from sharks. Their sense of community and altruism exemplifies how we should approach relationships, which play a critical role as we age. Older adults tend to lose social connectivity after they retire or as their adult children move out of the house or start their own family, so it’s vital to maintain close ties with friends and family — our pods.

4. Zebras — Own your uniqueness

Each zebra has its own stripe pattern — no two are alike. Researchers hypothesize that zebras’ stripes help them hide in the grass, making it difficult for their predators to discern an individual outline to attack. Another more recent theory is that the stripes ward off pesky insects. Their unique coats set these mammals apart looks-wise from all other animals, but their hides also save them. The human lesson is to be grateful for the skin you’re in.

 

5. Rabbits — Adopt a healthy lifestyle


Rabbits epitomize a healthy lifestyle. These little vegans eat mainly green leafy foods. Plus, they are active and agile. Their physically fit and flexible bodies allow them to do the binky, which is often referred to as the “happy bunny dance.” This move is when rabbits jump into the air and twist their head and body in opposite directions. If we humans ate more vegetables and hopped (or even walked) around all day, maybe with practice we could do the binky, too.

 

6. Monkeys — Keep having fun

Monkeys groom each other on a daily basis for two reasons: hygiene and social interaction. This co-grooming goes beyond the “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” mentality because of the social bonding that stems from this activity. Monkeys can make most anything fun — even caregiving. These mischievous, curious primates teach us the importance of social bonds, and also to remember to have fun.

 

By Jill Yanish

Jill was formerly the associate editor for Next Avenue.  She earned a bachelor’s degree in communication from the College of Saint Benedict/Saint John’s University and has written for various Twin Cities publications.

Growing Old with Grace

Posted on by Dr. Toni

TIME GOES BY – Growing Old with Grace

Recently, I’ve been running across a lot of online writing about growing old with grace. Most of them are saccharine and say the same few things:

Stay active
Be social
Serve others
Laugh

Some throw in the phrase “stay in love.” That’s how you can tell it is mostly young people who write this stuff. They aren’t old enough to have lost a spouse of many decades yet. As to the first four – well, duh. But they speak more to health than grace.

Yes, that overused, well-worn idea that no two people define the same way. What I have come to after nearly 20 years of reading, studying and thinking about age is that a graceful old age cannot happen (whatever the definition) without accepting our age and saying farewell to our youth.

There is the perennial question about when is someone old. Many people – some who have commented on the subject at this blog – think 50 or 55 is still young.

Really? Anyone who hangs on to that belief hasn’t had to look for a job at that age. Workplace age discrimination starts at 40 – even 35 in the case of women – and it becomes painfully obvious in job interviews that even people your own age think you’re old.

In western culture, 50 to 55 is the beginning of old age. But that’s a good thing. Geriatricians and researchers who study aging tell us that on average these days, the diseases of old age don’t start to kick in until about age 75.

So if we do not deny that aging is inevitable and do not obsessively try to prolong youth, we have 20 or 25 years before we hit old-old age to discover, move toward and live in a stage of life that is as different and distinct as childhood is from adolescence and adulthood.

Oh, the books and movies and TV shows and 50-plus websites and anti-aging “experts” will incessantly proclaim that we must and can maintain the appearance and behavior of people 20 and 30 years younger by whatever means they are touting – chemical, surgical, pharmaceutical.

They foist examples upon us of “supergrans” and “supergrandads” who climb mountains at age 80 and skydive at 90, strongly implying that we who don’t are failing to keep up.

The best thing we can do is ignore them and rejoice in our aliveness for they believe only exteriors matter. If we don’t listen to them, we can continue to love ourselves however different our bodies become.

Be honest, now: does having a saggy, old body prevent you from being happy, prevent you from knowing pleasure, however you derive it? Of course, it doesn’t.

What makes any- and everyone beautiful in old age is acceptance of their years, of themselves as they are.

After about 60, it is a victory of sorts just to awaken in the morning. We can face each new day with sadness for our lost youth or with joy for our luck at reaching this time of life. It’s a personal choice.

We eagerly said farewell to childhood when adolescence beckoned and goodbye to that stage of life when adulthood was upon us. It is a mistake – one of monumental proportions, I believe – to cling to adulthood when age arrives.

Instead, when we accept the losses age imposes on us – youth, physical power, our position in society – say yes to old age, open ourselves to its mysteries and live every day in the present tense with passion and an open heart, we can’t help but experience this time as an opportunity for happiness, fulfillment, joy and in time, serenity.

In moving on from adulthood, we allow ourselves to grow into new dimensions of life and we get a chance at completion.

That is, at our own pace over the remaining years, we can review our pasts, learn to forgive our failures and trespasses, face our regrets – those coulda, shoulda, wouldas – find some peace and, maybe, wisdom.

I don’t want to waste those wonderful opportunities by pretending I’m not old enough for them.

In no way do I mean to dismiss the debilities and diseases that can shadow old age and make everyday life difficult. But I do mean to say that we can explore distant horizons even as our physical worlds may shrink. All we need to do is ignore the charlatans of anti-aging and most of all:

Adapt as circumstances require
Accept our limits with humor
Find new pleasures to replace the ones we must surrender

In these acts, I believe, we find grace in old age.