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Transform Your Experience of Aging
By Ed Merck from NextAvenue.org
My 15-year-old son Evan walked off the tennis court triumphantly, as if he had just won the U.S. Open. Up to that point, our matches had always ended in a tie: I made sure of that or, rather, I could make sure of that.
Now, toweling off while feeling an unfamiliar tug on my heart, I said to him, “Hey, Ev, did you ever wonder why the score always remained the same in our tennis matches over the years?” Then, in a suggestive whisper, I continued: “Maybe you could continue that trend — gracefully?” He didn’t respond, but I knew his answer. And it was deafening.
Walking back to the car, I was consumed by the thought that my relationship with Evan (and with my life generally) was clearly at a crossroads. Staying positive as I aged would require letting go of capacities that were diminishing and embracing ones that were expanding.
(MORE: Free E-Book: The Aging Well Revolution)
Easy transition? No! Gratifying? Mostly!
Here are five secrets I’ve learned along the way that helped turn my experience of aging from a sense of loss into a sense of gain:
1. Learn to accept what is. There is no end to the expanding benefits of embracing life on its own terms. If I hadn’t accepted my inevitable decline in physical acuity — the awareness of which began on the tennis court that day — it would have led to nothing but suffering. Instead, by refocusing my attention on supporting, even celebrating, my son’s physical ascension from boy to early manhood, I was able to walk away from “defeat” feeling relatively good.
This mindset shift allowed me to interpret the situation, and many others that have followed, as a smooth, downhill coast, rather than a long, uphill trudge. It really is as simple, and as difficult, as just accepting what is.
2. Engage risk. Complacency is the enemy of feeling alive and vibrant. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to unknowingly slide into what is safe and familiar, especially as we age.
(MORE: Finding Meaning and Purpose in Later Life)
Risk (and its kissing cousin, change) is the counterbalance, and must be willingly embraced or we wither on the vine. Make a commitment to move into something new that has an edge for you.
At 63, after divesting from my successful software business, I sold my house, moved out of my community, bought an ocean-going sailboat and with no destination in mind, began sailing up and down the east coast of America. Along the way, I experienced fiery romantic trails, a deepening bond with my son, emerging spiritual insights and the blaze of self-transformation.
Was it tough at times? You bet! Today, however, at 68, I feel alive and ten years younger. (That journey towards wholeness is captured in my recent memoir, Sailing the Mystery.)
3. Settle into your body and open your heart. Most of us spend years in the workplace perfecting our strategic minds, and essentially living in the future. But engaging ourselves with vitality and gusto in the years after working full-time requires that we more fully occupy our bodies and hearts, which root us in the present moment — the only place where we can feel truly connected to our life experience.
(MORE: Secrets From the Island Where People Forget to Die)
To practice, try engaging anything that is sensation-oriented such as exercise, sex, or even falling in love — and not just with another person, but with life itself.
My mother’s end of life was filled with fear, and drawn out over many years. At first I tried to mitigate her pain using talking strategies, which only exacerbated the frustration for both of us. Then, when in her presence, I began working on just breathing deeply and moving more into my heart. Overnight, the connection between us changed; we grew closer, her trust of me increased and I experienced again the heartfelt juice of our mother/son relationship. Most noticeably, her suffering — and mine — decreased.
4. Practice equanimity. Many spiritual paths embrace the state of equanimity as their end point; that blissful place of being engaged without reactivity. Muting our temptation to be judgmental (“I am right, she is wrong.”) is key. Try dropping fully into the moment with as much empathy as is available to you — over and over again.
Several weeks ago, my friend Jason went a week without answering my increasingly urgent texts. At first I took his silence personally, which made me feel uncomfortable. Then, a moment of grace occurred: I dropped into my heart and wondered if he was okay. Rather than projecting more negative scenarios, I placed a call to a mutual friend, only to find out that Jason’s phone had died a week ago.
5. Soften the edges of your identity. To paraphrase Carl Jung, we spend the first half of our lives building up a sense of “I” and the second half tearing it down. Inflexible trees snap in the wind. The more we protect who we think we are in the face of major life changes, the more we’re at odds with the natural flow.
So, let go, loosen up and don’t take yourself too seriously while learning to open yourself to the new you that emerges in every moment.
I was able to do that on the tennis court many years ago. Ever since, it has become the ultimate win/win for both Evan and me.
Growing Into Contemplative Seeing
Dualistic thinking is the well-practiced pattern of knowing most things by comparison. And for some reason, once you compare or label things (that is, “judge” them), you almost always conclude that one is good and the other is less good or even bad. In the first half of life, this provides ego boundaries and clear goals, which creates a nice clean “provisional personality.” But it is not close to the full picture that we call truth.
Dualistic thinking works only for a while to get us started, but if we are honest, it stops being helpful in most real-life situations. It is fine for teenagers to think that there is some moral or “supernatural” superiority to their chosen baseball team, their army, their ethnic group, or even their religion or gender; but one hopes that later in life they learn that such polarity is just an agreed-upon game. Your frame should grow larger as you move toward the Big Picture in which one God creates all and loves all, both Dodgers and Yankees, blacks and whites, Palestinians and Jews, gays and straights, Americans and Afghanis.
Non-dualistic thinking or both-and thinking is the benchmark of our growth into the second half of life. This more calm and contemplative seeing does not appear suddenly, but grows almost unconsciously over many years of conflict, confusion, healing, broadening, loving, and forgiving reality. It emerges gradually as we learn to “incorporate the negative,” learn from what we used to exclude, or, as Jesus put it, “forgive our enemies” both within and without.
You no longer need to divide the field of every moment between up and down, totally right or totally wrong, for or against. It just is what it is. This inner calm allows you to confront what must be confronted with even greater clarity and incisiveness. This stance is not at all passivity. It is, in fact, the essential link between true contemplation and skillful action. The big difference is that your small and petty self is now out of the way, and if God wants to use you or love you, which God always does, God’s chances are far better now!
Adapted from Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life,
pp. 146-148
OCT31
The 5 Things That Spook People Over 50
What to do about the scary stuff that makes middle-aged spines shiver posted by Donna Sapolin
Forget things that go bump in the night, global warming, Congressional paralysis, creepie crawlies and assault weapons. There are five other worries that make the hearts of middle-aged folks leap into their throats on a regular basis. The good news is it’s totally within our power to chase these evils away — or, at least, diminish their hold on us.
1. Declining memory Sporadic forgetfulness, slower reaction times and other glitches in cognitive processes can result from an aging brain. Some symptoms may point to dementia and Alzheimer’s; others shouldn’t trouble you.
On the bright side, the latest research tells us there are many things we can do to take advantage of the brain’s natural plasticity to reverse the aging process, sharpen our abilities and ward off debilitating brain disease. Examples:
Preserve mental health and acuity by engaging with the arts, particularly dance.
Eat less saturated fat from animal products, which cause the brain to produce beta-amyloid, a protein that contributes to Alzheimer’s. Instead we can consume brain-protecting foods like Vitamin E-rich nuts (about 1.5 ounces or 8 milligrams a day will do), vegetables, beans and a small amount of fruits and whole grains.
Exercise! Walking briskly just three times a week for an hour has been shown to boost the connectivity within brain circuits.
Get a good night’s sleep. A recent study, published in the journal Science, proves that during sleep the brain cleans out the toxic cellular waste products it creates during the day, thereby preventing their build-up. Remain curious, challenge yourself to learn new things and explore things you’re passionate about. By deepening knowledge and skills, we help our brains to thrive.
2. Increased loneliness and isolation Society is now afflicted with a growing isolation epidemic. More adults 50 and older are not only living longer, they’re living apart from family members, divorcing, and becoming separated or widowed. In addition, they begin interacting with fewer people, a fact of midlife.
But people who describe themselves as lonely are at far greater risk of developing dementia and other health problems. It’s vital that we seek out ways to engage with others. Here are some ways to do that:
Make new friends, both young and old. Sign up for classes, get active in social media platforms, hit the gym and join networking groups. Above, all, open your mind and heart to the possibility of fresh connections.
When retiring, think about living close to your friends and family members instead of moving far away, as so many people do.
Rehab your relationship dynamics by following Dr. Terri Orbuch’s (aka “the love doctor”) expert advice on Next Avenue. Overhauling unhealthy habits and participating in therapy sessions may be among life’s more difficult missions, but they can help you secure peace of mind and critical emotional nourishment.
Consider a communal living arrangement — the options are numerous and include co-housing, NORCs (Naturally Occuring Retirement Communities) and living with one or more roommates.
Mentor others. We can derive great satisfaction from passing on our knowledge and, in the process, forge enriching bonds.
(MORE: 9 Most Common Regrets of the Living and Dying — and What to Do About Them)
3. Big debts, little savings The 50+ crowd is facing a perfect storm: the prospect of living on a fixed income at the exact time that government entitlement benefits are at risk of being curtailed and health care needs and costs are soaring.
Many are counting on their ability to continue to work well into older age, yet they will need to sustain good health and secure employment despite the known difficulties of landing a job after the age of 55. Suggestions:
Analyze how much money you will need to retire and still be able to afford the lifestyle you expect. A good online calculator, like the Ballpark E$timate from the Employee Benefit Research Institute, can help.
Work on reducing debts, especially credit card bills, which carry high interest rates.
Prioritize saving. Evaluate all aspects of your lifestyle to see what you can cut back and then apply the ax. This may even mean downsizing your home. You should also contribute as much as possible to 401(k) accounts, reallocate your investments to reduce related fees and build a health care emergency fund.
Hire an astute financial adviser to help you devise a smart plan, which may include delaying Social Security benefits.
To find a job, implement these well-proven strategies: shorten your resumé and incorporate keywords into it, spend more time networking and less time using broad-based job boards and develop a strong, positive online presence.
4. Greater physical frailty and risk of illness The majority of us are carrying extra pounds; many have high blood pressure, diabetes or high cholesterol; and our knees, feet or back may be aching.
There’s no question that the aging process itself leads to increased frailty, but lifestyle behaviors magnify and accelerate health problems. Changing just a few of our habits can go a long way toward enhancing vitality and longevity. Here’s how:
Opt for a Mediterranean diet that emphasizes olive oil, fish, legumes, fruits, vegetables and unrefined grains — and vastly reduce your consumption of sugar and salt.
Try intermittent fasting, which provides enormous health benefits: Eat a Mediterranean diet (about 2,200 to 2,400 calories a day for men; 1,600 to 1,800 per day for women) five days a week and consume only a quarter of your usual calorie intake the other two (non-consecutive) days.
Sit less. Recent studies have shown that sitting more than three hours a day can cut life expectancy by two years even if you exercise regularly during the week. Get up at least a couple of times every hour when working at the computer or watching television and move around. Also, stand up while talking on the phone.
Instead of skipping your workout session because of aches and pains, learn how to adjust common exercises to accommodate your infirmities. To make exercise a priority, schedule your sessions in your calendar and find a workout buddy, which will help keep you motivated.
Reduce stress by practicing meditation, allowing yourself to focus on one task at a time, using relaxation apps and choosing to be happy.
(MORE: 30 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Die)
5. Death Every day, we get a step closer to “the end.” Although we are living longer than ever, by this point many of us have witnessed the passing of one or more loved ones and the final stage is all the more real and perhaps also scarier to us. To reduce your fear of death:
Take serious inventory: Think about how you would like to spend the second half of your life, what you would like to accomplish and what regrets you would like to resolve. Dr. Lissa Rankin advises that you be “unapologetically you.”
Connect with the most vibrant part of yourself — the child-like spirit that is endlessly curious, appreciates adventure and learning and dives readily into new things. Allow your dreams and passions to ignite you.
Practice forgiveness, which is about remembering and telling your story, confronting and absorbing it fully, refusing to give in to anger and revenge and holding on to your humanity.
Stop fighting your enemies. Anger and hostility and the underlying aspects of ourselves that fuel these emotions hold us captive. They are our worst enemies. We can transform our experiences with adversaries into deep learning experiences by recognizing that they are, in fact, our teachers.
Mend rifts with adult children and parents. Give up the need to be “right” and work on yourself (perhaps with the help of a professional counselor) to avoid repeating the same offenses. This will help you shape a new, healthier dynamic.
Remember, some of the fiends that haunt us are of our own making. But even if they aren’t, we can take action to bust the boogeymen.
Growing Into Contemplative Seeing
Dualistic thinking is the well-practiced pattern of knowing most things by comparison. And for some reason, once you compare or label things (that is, “judge” them), you almost always conclude that one is good and the other is less good or even bad. In the first half of life, this provides ego boundaries and clear goals, which creates a nice clean “provisional personality.” But it is not close to the full picture that we call truth.
Dualistic thinking works only for a while to get us started, but if we are honest, it stops being helpful in most real-life situations. It is fine for teenagers to think that there is some moral or “supernatural” superiority to their chosen baseball team, their army, their ethnic group, or even their religion or gender; but one hopes that later in life they learn that such polarity is just an agreed-upon game. Your frame should grow larger as you move toward the Big Picture in which one God creates all and loves all, both Dodgers and Yankees, blacks and whites, Palestinians and Jews, gays and straights, Americans and Afghanis.
Non-dualistic thinking or both-and thinking is the benchmark of our growth into the second half of life. This more calm and contemplative seeing does not appear suddenly, but grows almost unconsciously over many years of conflict, confusion, healing, broadening, loving, and forgiving reality. It emerges gradually as we learn to “incorporate the negative,” learn from what we used to exclude, or, as Jesus put it, “forgive our enemies” both within and without.
You no longer need to divide the field of every moment between up and down, totally right or totally wrong, for or against. It just is what it is. This inner calm allows you to confront what must be confronted with even greater clarity and incisiveness. This stance is not at all passivity. It is, in fact, the essential link between true contemplation and skillful action. The big difference is that your small and petty self is now out of the way, and if God wants to use you or love you, which God always does, God’s chances are far better now!
Adapted from Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life,
pp. 146-148
Gratitude or Complaint
Do you have a favorite holiday? I certainly do. It’s Thanksgiving. I think it’s because I was born near Thanksgiving and in fact, for most of my formative years, I thought all of America was celebrating My birthday! (Now that’s a great way to develop good self-esteem…)
Thanksgiving, Gratitude, Appreciation have all been very important themes in my life – so, you can imagine that it came as quite a shock to me when not long ago, I was sitting on my comfortable purple wing back chair in my peaceful, green living room, having a conversation with my business coach. When out from the mouth of the speaker phone, I distinctly heard him say – Toni – all you ever do is complain.
You’ve been doing nothing but complaining since the first time we started to work together. All I hear from you is Complaint, Complaint, Complaint.
Wow! That was a shock. Not me – I’m one of the most positive people I know. After all, I really believe that It’s a wonderful world. I believe that the Universe is a friendly place. I see the Good in everything and everyone. (well – almost everyone!)
For heavens sake, I even teach people to create gratitude journals, to live in appreciation and find the positive aspects about every situation. I’m always talking about focusing on the good. I do this for a living.
Did he know who he was talking to? I quickly moved back away from the phone (as if that would help what I was hearing) and decided then and there that he clearly hadn’t heard anything I had been saying all those months we were working together – surely, he didn’t understand me –– He must have ME mistaken with someone else…. I was not a happy camper.
I see complaining as the direct opposite of gratitude and that just wasn’t the image I ever held of myself.
He went on to tell me – it’s subtle but nonetheless true,
you never think that you are doing enough, or that what you ARE doing is goodenough and I’ve even noticed that most of the goals you have set are because you feel like YOU are NOT ENOUGH. Toni – I call that constantly complaining…
WHEW! I didn’t like what I was hearing ONE bit –and so, I did what any high self-esteem person would have done at the moment – I ended my relationship with him!
After spending some time COMPLAINING about this coach to my friends!! – I began to take a closer look at my life and what I was saying and thinking – albeit unconsciously. And, so, IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO COMPLAIN – I will share with you today all the complaints that I have let go of since and how that has radically changed my life.
If you are complaining at all – you can’t be feeling and living in gratitude. I suggest we prepare for Thanksgiving this year by beginning to NOTICE the number of ways we complain in life and make a commitment to letting go of all complaints.
This goes along with the message I gave here last month about allowing everything to be okay – it’s just a little more subtle…
So – what do I mean about letting go of complaints -That means – the complaints you have about things not going your way – perhaps with the economy – or the govt;- or maybe we should start with something easier like your neighbors, you job or in your relationships;
the complaints you have about other people’s stupidity or lack of insight (which means they don’t think like you!) –
the complaint that says – I wish I were somewhere else or doing something else… When we aren’t accepting what is exactly as it is, we are actually complaining!
DISTRACTIONS from the present moment are a way of our being UNGRATEFUL for what is.
Whenever we fail to focus on what we are doing, we are in effect criticizing it – wanting to do something else.
(I told you this was subtle.)
What did you complain about this past week? Yesterday? This morning?
Remember that What we focus on increases – When you complain, you are actually inviting the Universe to give you more to complain about!!
Do you want to know God more and to allow the perfect plan for your life to present itself in you? Then rather than complain about things as they are – begin to NOTICE only what is RIGHT in your life and in all your affairs.
You will notice that if you start conversation with criticism all join in…and if you start with praise, the same happens.
Mrs. Jones entertained at a musical afternoon in her home. The feature was a great and well known violinist. When it was all over, everybody crowded around the musician.
I’ve got to be very frank with you, one of the guests said.. I think your performance was terrible.
Whereupon the hostess interposed:: Pay no attention to him. He doesn’t know what he is talking about. He only repeats what he hears everyone else say.
Find something to appreciate in everyone you know.
If you find yourself in a conversation today where others are complaining – gently but deliberately turn the tide of the conversation to WHAT IS WORKING. We Get what we focus on in life.
Do you want more wholeness in your physical body? Then praise the evidence of life and health that you already have, and the divine intelligence within your cells will be encouraged to create even greater wholeness and well-being. Even our bodies respond more to LOVE Than to criticism. (my personal story lately!….)
DO you want more prosperity? Begin to truly APPRECIATE what you do have – whatever resources you do have, – stop looking at what isn’t there and look at what IS instead and you will find that and what you have will multiply in new and creative ways
Forbes Magazine
If we noticed little pleasure, as we notice little pains
If we quite forgot our losses and remembered all our gains
If we looked for people’s virtues and their faults refused to see
What a comfortable, happy, cheerful place this world would be.
There is a story told about a woman Zen master named Sono who taught one very simple method of enlightenment. She advised everyone who came to her to adopt an affirmation to be said many times a day, under all conditions. The affirmation was, “Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.”
Many people from all arenas of life came to Sono for healing. Some were in physical pain; others were emotionally distraught; others had financial troubles; some were seeking soul liberation. No matter what their distress or what question they asked, her response was the same: “Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.” Some people went away disappointed; others grew angry; others tried to argue with her. Yet some people took her suggestion to heart and began to practice it. Tradition tells that everyone who practiced Sono’s mantra found peace and healing.
Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you simply dropped your complaints? It’s a radical proposal, since most of us have been trained to question, analyze, and criticize everything we see.
I used to teach critical thinking – and it’s an important skill to master – but, I found after a while that I was more easily noticing what was wrong with things than what was right. Does anybody else see themselves in this or am I alone?
And, then, of course, we end up questioning, analyzing, and criticizing ourselves. Then we miss out on joy, the only true measure of success.
Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.
Perhaps there is a voice inside you objecting, “But if I did not complain, people would walk all over me and if we stopped complaining about our government – terrorists would keep crashing airplanes into buildings, and, selfish opportunists would genetically manipulate our food and all kinds of new viruses would creep into our lives –and–Got it.
Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever. When you are truly living that, you can’t help but experience gratitude. And, the next step after FEELING gratitude is acting out of gratitude – which is acting in service.
I’d like to suggest this month that you consider the organizations and people you complain about – maybe even this Church — and then ask – HOW CAN I SERVE those very people and organizations?
Where have you found yourself saying THIS needs to be done… Why isn’t anyone doing x? What in your life do you believe SHOULD be happening? What are YOU doing about it?
Listen how often you say HE SHOULD be doing… or – we need to…. If you’d said that or thought that – I’d like to tell you what Emma Curtis Hopkins, mystic and early New Thought teacher – once said – If an idea comes to you about what needs to be done, it is YOURS TO DO.. (REPEAT)…
Whenever you are complaining – it is really your intuitive voice calling you to SERVE! Now, how’s that for a reframe!!
I have a favorite poem about this that I’d like to share with you today… You might have heard it. It goes:
There once were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
An important job had to be done, and everybody was sure that somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it and that Somebody would do it.
But Nobody realized that Everybody thought Somebody would do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
So – NO COMPLAINTS – and if you do complain, ask instead HOW YOU CAN SERVE and– find things to APPRECIATE.
I’d like to make a distinction between gratitude and appreciation.
Often, there is so much in the nuances of life. For me, the difference between gratitude and appreciation is one such nuance. I used to keep a gratitude journal, now I write pages about what I appreciate.
Gratitude often points you towards a struggle you’ve overcome and so You’re happy that you’re out of it – some of your energy might still be on what you overcame. Sometimes we are grateful for what didn’t happen – like after being sick, we often feel grateful for our health. Or when something we don’t like happens, we’re often grateful that it wasn’t worse.
Even when we receive something from someone else.. If we think we have to repay a debt – that’s not the best of energies.
Appreciation – on the other hand – aligns you with the Source within you. It’s a very different vibration.
Try it for yourself. Say the following, and feel the difference within you:
“I am so very grateful for __________________.”
“I have so much appreciation for ______________.”
Appreciation is a vibrational alignment with who I have become; It’s Me being in sync with the whole of who I am. Seeing what I am looking at through the eyes of Source.
You could walk down the street and other people see things to criticize. But, when you are in a vibration of appreciation, you wouldn’t see them – because you are seeing as God sees.
So, I invite you to start making lists of the positive aspects of the people and situations in your life– You might even give them or send them to the people you are writing about.
HT Webster, the newspaper cartoonist, amused himself one summer day by sending telegrams to twenty acquaintances selected at random; each message containing the one word, CONGRATULATIONS. So far as he knew, not one of them had done anything in particular to be congratulated on:: But each took the message as a matter of course and wrote him a letter of thanks. Everyone of them had done something that he himself regarded as clever and worthy of a congratulatory telegram.
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Spend the next few weeks finding people and things to appreciate – Commit to Letting go of all complaints.
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING – I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS WHATSOEVER.
Look for reasons to feel good. Focus on your favorite things –
Look for the things you like and don’t give attention to anything else.
I think you’ll find that – IT’S TRULY – A WONDERFUL WORLD.
