Dr. Toni

7 secrets to “Reinvent Midlife” From the Inside-Out

Posted on by Dr. Toni

Years ago, I was part of a woman’s drumming circle whose members ranged from 7 to 97. At one meeting we were celebrating someone’s 50th birthday and the leader asked that only those 50 and older speak that night. Each person in turn talked about the freedom she finally felt to be herself. Many spoke of letting go of the need to please anyone else or to be so determined by what others might think. I remember noticing how riveted on every word the young girls were and thinking, “I wish I had heard these words when I was that age.” They were given a gift that day – to know that the aging process is a process of transformation and freedom rather than of decline and defeat. If you were never given that message, please hear it now.

Midlife doesn’t have to be a crisis. It can truly be an opportunity to allow yourself to fully live the life you’ve always wanted. Spiritual support is available to do this.
My favorite symbol is the dragonfly, because it represents transformation and its true colors don’t come out until it’s more mature. I have learned several things in my own growth that I want to share with you – secrets that will help you reinvent your own midlife.

The first secret is that all reinvention is an inside job. No botox or physical alteration or exterior make-over can give you what you can give yourself and must give yourself for any change to be lasting and significant. So, the most important thing you can do during this time of your life is to find a spiritual practice that will help you go within and discover what’s already there.

The second secret is that you don’t have to do it alone. When I was younger, I used to think it was a sign of weakness to get help. Now, I realize that I get clear on what I am thinking when I share it with someone else. Sometimes friends and family can serve that purpose, but often they are too close to see me objectively. So, for the past 10 years, I’ve been hiring coaches. I actually have several, to support different aspects of my life. I find the spiritual life coaches to be the most impactful, because they support me in going within and finding my own answers.

The third secret is to let go of what no longer serves you – including forgiving others and yourself. Forgiveness is key to any growth. Nature abhors a vacuum. So, in order for something new to emerge, it’s important to clean out the old. This goes for old clothing, sometimes it even means to release relationships that no longer serve you as well. But, the most important release is the one that allows you to let go of the past hurts. There are so many techniques and practices that make this possible – and it is essential to being able to move on.

The fourth secret is that there is no need to forgive! I realize that this may sound contradictory to the third point. But, if you really want to transform rather than just change, it’s important to discover that everything in your life has been what it needed to be. There are no victims, only volunteers. Life gives to you according to your beliefs and feelings and so, nothing has been an accident. This concept when fully embraced can make the most radical difference in your life. (More to follow on this in the newsletter).

The fifth secret is that you already do know what you want. Until you get clear on what you want, the Universe has no way of giving it to you. There are several things you can do to get clear on what you want. The first is to stop saying “I don’t know”. Just notice how often you say that and then say, “If I did know, what would it be.” You’ll be amazed at what’s already inside you.

The sixth secret is that not everything is changing. This one is essential. Most of us, when in transition do what I call awfulizing. We think that NOTHING is stable, that EVERYTHING is in flux. Get a handle on what is actually staying the same so you can feel grounded. Here’s a place where a coach can especially be helpful.

 The seventh secret is that your life has been a preparation for this time. I have found over and over that the things I have done in the past ALL support who I am becoming. It seldom works to think you are starting all over. When you recognize the resources you’ve already acquired, you’ll feel much more confident to move ahead.

Discover the qualities you already have within you. I promise it will make a huge difference in your life.

Would love to hear your thoughts… Please comment below…

Midlife Transition Spirituality

Posted on by Dr. Toni

How middle age invites women into the life of the spirit.
By Marilyn Sewell

When children leave home, women often ask themselves, “What now?” Whether or not we have raised children, we begin to count the years and ask, “How much time is left? What is pulling at me? What can I yet become?” Those of us who are at all reflective begin to wonder what we have learned in the first half of life that will sustain and direct us in the second half. In the process, women often come to a deeper sense of self.

In this youth-oriented society, no one likes to think of themselves as “aging.” Growing older is particularly problematic for women: We begin to experience how difficult it is to maintain our equilibrium in a culture that idolizes youth and beauty, and in fact seems unable to conceptualize beauty without youth. But at midlife, inevitably, our bodies will begin to slow and then all too soon to creak and groan like the rigging of a ship that has seen better days. Our intellect loses its keen edge. We are forced into an encounter with the hardest of human realities: We come to understand, not just intellectually but existentially, that we are going to die.

It is this acknowledgment of our absolute lack of power over existence that invites us into the life of the spirit. It is a necessary and exacting gift. It offers the opportunity to ground ourselves in meaning that goes deeper than the skin. It awakens us and allows us to give deference to the Mystery, to that which we can never grasp and yet which ultimately defines us.

As I collected readings for my new anthology, Breaking Free: Women of Spirit at Midlife and Beyond
(Beacon Press, 2004), I discovered that finding pieces of writing that deal with spirituality in the mature woman was difficult. I suspect that writing about one’s spiritual life at any age is difficult—but at least in my own experience, the older I get, the less I know and the more I have to rest in faith. Mystery is elusive, to say the least, and as I am continually humbled in the face of it, it seems almost arrogant to try to put into words the vastness of which I am beginning to feel a part. To speak, to write, to use words at all is always to narrow and define something as this and not that, at least in our dualistic culture. To tie words to Spirit is to diminish its power, to deny its Oneness. We search for metaphor or, more often, we simply fall into silence.

Then there is the question of intimacy and revelation. What could be more intimate than one’s relationship to the Sacred? It may be too close, too unique to reveal to others. We instinctively pull back from such expression, as if to touch it would make it disappear. It’s the same reason that writers do not like to speak of their work in progress. As something works its way into our consciousness, it needs space, not definition.

So women writers at midlife often do not hit the subject straight on. But they have arrived at a place of accepting more deeply who they are, and they are living out of a kind of radical authenticity. That is how I define the often used and misused word spirituality—a flowering into the person you were meant to be, as you move closer to the Source of Life.

Women can be beautiful at any stage of life. As we age, our aliveness shines forth from the depths of spirit, if we dare to go there. Maturity can bring a sweet kind of joy, as we come to know how deeply connected we are with all that is, as we understand and accept how much we have to give.

The Midlife Transition: Help for Getting Clear…

Posted on by Dr. Toni

The Midlife Transition can be a wonderful time to establish new beliefs and get rid of the ones that have not served you. If you need help in getting clear, you might want to take the following quiz.. (Don’t worry, there are no scores…)

Is this you speaking?:

I’m in the midlife transition and I have something that is bothering me.

I am willing to look at it and identify it. What is it? What just happened?

_________________________________________________

For example, someone may be playfully teasing you, but you perceive that they are trying to “get at you.” You may even get angry at them and tell them to stop “pushing you around.” Therefore, you have a belief, or a perception, that people push you around, that you will be attacked, put down, or made to feel stupid, less than, or inferior in some way. This means that YOU may believe, or have a perception that (a) people can and will do something bad to you, and (b) that you are “not good enough,” that you are less than in some way. Therefore your response and feelings will come from what you believe. Check out what it is that you believe.

Now you fill out this sentence…

This is how I interpreted, or perceived, what just happened:

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

I felt: (angry, sad, happy, fearful)

_____________________________________________________

After you identify what is bothering you, how you “perceived” what happened, and what emotion went along with that perception, ask yourself this question: Is this perception coming from a place of Truth, or is it coming from Fear? Is there Fear somewhere behind all of this?

Truth ______________________________________

Fear _______________________________________

What am I afraid of? What do I think is happening or going to happen here?

_____________________________________________________

Answer this:

When did I decide to believe this? What do I believe about myself? what happened in my life before the midlife transition that I decided life was just this way?

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Answer this:

Did anyone make me believe this, or did I decide to believe it in my own mind?

_____________________________________________________

If I believe in this, will I continue to make it keep happening?

Yes _________ No _________

Could I have made a different decision about life, or myself?

__________________________________________________

I could have seen it this way:

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

or, this way

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Fill out the following sentences…

When I think this way, or believe this (for example, that people will push me around, or try to get at me), I create this kind of experience:

I ____________________________________________________

I ____________________________________________________

I ____________________________________________________

I ____________________________________________________

And then I feel:

_____________________________________________________

Now you see what your perceptions are, and what strategies you created to cope with what you believe is going on. Strategies are always created to try to keep you safe in some way.

You also see what you create by believing this way. And you see what you create from holding onto a perception, which creates a certain emotion. If you have sadness stored in you, you will continue to see life’s experiences as sad, etc., and to create more sad experiences.

Now, you say to yourself,

“After this midlife transition, Do I still want to keep on reacting this way?”
“Do I really believe that (for example) people are out to get me?”
“Do I really believe that I am stupid?

Yes ________ No ________

Ask…

Does believing this help or hurt my life?

Helps ________ Hurts________

If everything is a mirror for me, a mirror for what’s going on inside of me, the beliefs and issues I have about myself and life, then what this experience is showing me about myself is:

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

Then ask yourself, “What new belief would I rather have?”
Write it here…

I would rather believe that

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

What emotion will I feel if I believe this new belief? How will I feel?

_____________________________________________________

Am I willing to experience that emotion?

_____________________________________________________

In order to believe this, and feel this, I will align myself with a Higher Truth. I will see and understand that :

I AM

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

That Life is

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

That Other People

_____________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________

When I believe this way, I feel

_____________________________________________________

I am now WILLING, READY, and I fully ALLOW this old belief,

_____________________________________________________,

to be completely and easily and 100% released.

In its place, I am willing and allow myself to have this perception

_____________________________________________________

and I believe that ______________________________________.

I now allow myself to feel _______________________________ .

I accept this new belief and have made a new choice for myself and my life. I give thanks.
I accept that this midlife transition will bring me closer to being my authentic self.

Excerpt from http://www.trans4mind.com/

Getting Clear in the Midlife Transition by avoiding Shoulds

Posted on by Dr. Toni

Sometimes it’s hard to get clear about what we really want because there are so many SHOULDS that it’s hard to distinguish what voice to listen to.

Do you know what you really want? You may have difficulty with this question because the answer is hidden deep within you buried beneath a sea of shoulds.
Most people make decisions about their life and work based on what is generally considered “right” and “good.” What they think they are supposed to do – living from the outside in: letting others people’s expectations rule your life. You do what you do because that’s what you have been told to do. It’s a good recipe for frustration and stress.

Here’s an example from my own life:
Midlife Transition – Reinvention Dr. Toni LaMotta

In the original Chicken Soup for the Soul, there is a story about Monty, who was the son of an itinerant horse trainer of little means. During his senior year he was assigned a writing project to describe what he wanted to be when he grew up. His seven-page essay minutely detailed the 200-acre ranch he wanted to own. It included a diagram of the ranch and a detailed floor plan of his 4,000 square foot home.
Despite the passion and effort Monty put into his paper, he received it back with a large “F” written on it and a note to see the teacher after class. The teacher told Monty that the reason he had given him that grade was because his paper was unrealistic. He went on to cite all of the reasons why, and told Monty that if he would rewrite the paper with a more realistic goal, he would reconsider the grade. After considering it for a week, the young man turned in the same paper with no changes, along with the remark, “You can keep the F and I’ll keep my dream.”

How many of us have had the courage to go against what someone else thought we should do in life?

The conclusion of the Monty’s true story has the teacher bringing 30 students for a summer campout at the 200-acre ranch of the now grown (and successful) Monty who lives in his 4,000 square foot dream home.
Ask yourself with EVERYTHING you do – does this make me HAPPY? Or am I doing it because I think someone else will be happy? It’s an important distinction
Recognize that to be happy, you must live the life that you truly want to live. It’s your life and you are the only one who can truly determine what is right for you. There is no tragedy in shooting for your dreams; the tragedy is in looking back on your life and saying “I wish I’d ?”.