Helping yourself or a loved one coping with Grief?

One of the major things we go through in the aging process is LOSS – sometimes
loss of loved ones, often loss of friends, or even loss of energy or the life we once knew
as our own. Dealing with grief can be overwhelming when you don’t understand how
to do it. It’s not a clear cut process, but there are pointers and signs that can help
you navigate it if you know what they are.

CLICK HERE

Many authors have written about the stages of Grief. Here they are in their simplest form.
Although, each person goes through them differently, these steps can be a helpful guide.
If your grief is personal loss, just substitute that where you see the words, “loved one”.
Here is the grief model called “The 7 Stages of Grief”: 

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. 

 For help with the grieving process for someone else.
Get Support Now

We all have four wives.  Watch this video to find out what they are.
In the first part of our lives, we celebrate and focus on the first three
sometimes leaving out the fourth.  In the second part of our lives,
if we are lucky, we begin to see what’s REALLY important and our focus
changes.  Where are you focused?
Would love to hear your comments below when you are done watching this.

Living Forever
When we are very young, time seems to have no end. Somewhere in midlife, most people often begin realize that the number of remaining years is limited and that at least in this form, we will not live forever. That very realization can be traumatic or can be a catalyst for life changing experiences. Our ideas about and attitudes toward the process of aging are the very things that will help or hinder us in healthy aging.

One of the things we need to learn to manage as we age is the experience of loss and grief. Women, especially, tend to live longer than men, so they generally experience more losses of family members and friends. How well we deal with loss will greatly influence our overall well-being as we age.

Managing Loss
As we get older, we experience lots of losses – often related to hearing, eyesight or other physical capacities. At a later point, I’ll be writing about some of these experiences and how to allow ourselves to grow through them.  But today, my mind is on the most common of losses -the death of friends and family.  As I write this, I am preparing to take a trip to New York to see my mom. She’s 94 and in the last few weeks has stopped eating, has stopped communicating with her usual wit and wisdom and as a result, I’ve been unable to talk with her by phone. Already I’m feeling a loss, so I am going up there perhaps to say my final goodbyes.

And so, I find myself asking the question I keep asking lately (the results will be my next book!) The question is – what does the aging process have to teach me right now in this situation. I decided awhile back that everything in life can be an opportunity for spiritual growth, and in particular, the process of aging itself, and all the various loss experiences can be viewed through that lens.

What’s the Message Here
Hmm. What is there to learn here? For today, I have decided that feelings of loss can be turned into another opportunity for gratitude. Yes, you heard me right. Now, when I begin to feel loss, I realize that you never mind losing something you haven’t cherished and if you’ve cherished it, that’s something to be grateful for. I often tell my spiritual coaching clients that and now I am telling myself.

My mom’s pending transition is giving me a lot of pause to be grateful. I find myself being grateful that I have had the privilege of having a mom who has lived this long. So many of my friends lost their moms long ago. I’m grateful for the characteristics that I have inherited from my mom. Sometimes I felt my mom was in denial about negative situations, but as I’ve aged myself, I realize that her “find peace” attitude about everything has served both of us well. She was always the peacemaker in our family. “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.” A great lesson.

I know there’s more, and I’ll be sharing it here in the days ahead, but for now, I’ve go to go and pack.