Uncategorized on Aging

When people say things like: “The ocean is beautiful” or “There’s nothing more breathtaking than a sunset” do you ever find yourself robotically agreeing with them without consciously thinking about their statements? This is a common practice.

 

What if, when you really think about it, you discover you prefer mountains to ocean views, or would rather watch the sun rise than set? Do you know your own opinions? How easy it is to just agree than to be thinking all the time and even more to be feeling and to know what you are feeling?   It’s even easy to say, “never allow others to tell you what to think, who you are or what you should be doing with your life”. And yet, we all do it.

 

The Four Agreements are a spiritual practice based on the ancient wisdom of the Toltecs, a Mexican tribe of wise and knowledgeable people. These agreements teach us a way to be self-directed and ultimately free. So far, we’ve covered – well, actually, we’ve touched on – the first two agreements – they are: Be impeccable with your word –

teenagers I once taught summed it up for– only say nice things about yourself or others. Don’t take anything personally – not even the nice things others say about you!

And now we focus on Don’t make assumptions. Most of us don’t think we make assumptions. That’s the trouble; assumptions are assumed… they are not usually conscious.So, today, I’m going to share several examples of assumptions with the intention that we will all become alert to finding our own. Then, I’ll tell you a little bit about what to do with them when you find them.

 

I’ll start with an old joke:

A 70 year old man went to his doctor for a check up and the doctor was amazed at his terrific physical condition. Looking for an explanation in genetics, the doctor said to the man, “how old was your father when he died?”

 

The man said, “Don’t assume my father is dead. In fact, he’s 90 years old and he still plays golf every day and he walks the course!”

 

The doctor said, “Well then, how old was your grandfather when he died?” “Don’t assume my grandfather is dead. In fact, he’s 110 and he just got married.” The doctor said, “Why would a man of 110 want to get married.”   “Don’t assume he wanted to get married?”

 

Not all assumptions are funny. False assumptions occur everywhere, and can even be deadly. I believe this story is a true one.

“The confusion began at 6:18 P.M. Monday, when the woman’s landlord called 911, saying he had found her body in her basement apartment. Two technicians—E.M.S. employees with less training than paramedics—arrived within minutes and pronounced her dead at about 7 P.M. They notified the Medical Examiner’s office, which sent an investigator, a doctor, who assumed the woman was dead because the technicians had said so. The investigator had been in the apartment for more than half an hour when he heard what sounded like a single faint breath.”

Needless to say, she was alive.

Now, maybe the doctor should have known better than to assume the technicians’ information was correct, but most false assumptions don’t seem like false assumptions. They seem perfectly logical and reasonable at the time—so logical and reasonable, in fact, that you don’t even realize you’re making an assumption. Which is why it’s so easy for assumptions to create havoc with your good intentions.

 

Next is the story of a runaway cat – this is a story told by a friend of mine, Naomi Karten, during a seminar she was presenting to a client company. We were discussing how easy it is to make false assumptions and how they can lead you astray in solving problems. Suddenly, a secretary appeared with a message for Tara, a manager in the group. The message was from Tara’s neighbor who had called to say that Tara’s cat, Panther, had gotten out of the apartment and was running around in the hallway of her building.

“Not again!” Tara exclaimed. She said the cat probably dashed out when her cleaning lady opened the door. I told her this was the first time I’d ever had a class interruption caused by a fleeing feline. Fortunately, Tara lived only a few blocks away from work. Her secretary was most accommodating and, as she’d done in previous runaway-cat episodes, offered to go to the apartment, retrieve the cat, 
and return it safely to Tara’s apartment.

Which she did and didn’t. That is, she did go over to the apartment. But she didn’t retrieve the cat and return it. Why? It seems it wasn’t Tara’s cat. She’d met Tara’s cat before, and she knew this wasn’t it.

 

Tara had made an assumption. She had assumed it was her cat. It sounded like her cat. It was the sort of thing her cat had done before. There was no reason for Tara to question the situation before leaping to conclusions. As a result, the idea of calling her neighbor back and asking a few questions to validate that it was her cat never occurred to her. So she didn’t ask what the cat looked like. She didn’t ask where, exactly, it was found. And she didn’t bother to ask if it responded to “Panther.” The odds were that it was her cat. Except that it wasn’t.

 

The fact that Tara lived nearby eliminated the need to analyze the situation more carefully. It was easy enough to just check it out. If it had been her cat, the problem would have been quickly resolved. And even though it wasn’t her cat, no one had been seriously inconvenienced.

 

But what if Tara had lived further away? Or her secretary hadn’t been available? Or as accommodating? Or what if the temperature had been 30 below or raining you know what and dogs? Would any of these conditions have caused Tara to challenge her assumptions, or ask some questions, or avoid allowing strong circumstantial evidence to lead her to a false conclusion? Who knows?

 

False assumptions can create havoc when you assume that you and others mean the same things by what you each say. In important situations, the safest starting point is to assume that they don’t mean what you think they mean and vice versa — until you’ve asked questions, sought clarification, and offered explanations. That way, you are more likely to identify some of the false assumptions that could interfere with a successful outcome.

 

The next story is from a couple that does relationship seminars. “We just got back from a very powerful workshop on Spiritual Partnerships with Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul, and his spiritual partner Linda Francis.

The great thing about attending a weekend workshop like this is that you get to learn a lot about yourself and your partner. We got to learn about how making simple assumptions can damage relationships very quickly. Simple assumptions that we make about each other and situations can lead to resentment, distance and emotional separation if left unaddressed.

During our 12 hour drive to the workshop, Susie had an apple as a snack. She asked Otto if he wanted an apple. He looked at the apple and saw only one and assumed that that was the only apple in the food bag. Since he wasn’t hungry in that moment, but knew he would be soon, he mistakenly assumed that Susie was about to have the only apple.

A short time later Otto had tortilla chips for a snack instead of the apple he would have preferred. Now he didn’t resent Susie for eating the “last apple” but he silently wished there was another apple to eat instead of the chips. Susie was unaware of his assumption and desire for an apple, and it wasn’t until the food bag was taken to the room and unpacked that three other apples appeared.

If Otto hadn’t assumed that there was only one apple in the bag, he would have had what he really wanted to eat instead of the chips.

Isn’t this what we often do in relationships?
We silently want our relationships to be more passionate, more connected, more loving but we don’t know how to communicate our needs to our partners, our families or our friends.

We assume what we want isn’t available or isn’t possible, without attempting to make the connection and speak our needs in a way that they can be understood.

Sometimes we know what our needs are but don’t express them because we are fearful what the other will say or how he/she will react. So it’s easier to keep silent.

If we don’t communicate consciously and constantly, we start to make assumptions about how the other will react in a given situation and those assumptions are usually dead wrong.

When we make assumptions, we’re not living in the present moment–we are either in the past or in the future.
I suggest that you not make assumptions about how someone else is feeling or thinking in any relationship–no matter how long you’ve been together and how well you know that person.

We are all constantly growing and changing. If we want to grow together instead of growing apart, the most important thing we can do is to constantly communicate, one moment at a time. Decide to consciously create life the way you want it to be instead of allowing it to happen to you. The apple is there if you want it.

So — How do you Steer Clear of False Assumptions?

Keep in mind the one assumption you should always make; namely, that you and others don’t understand each other. Assume that others interpret what you say differently from the way you do, and that they mean something different from what you think they mean. Until you’ve gone through a process of information gathering and assumption challenging, it’s wise to assume that even if the words sound familiar, you’re speaking two different languages.
#2  Don’t minimize the importance of assumption-checking  Become more aware of the fact that you and others (customers, partners, ministers, whoever) are making assumptions. One way to develop this awareness is to ask yourself what these assumptions might be. For example:
What assumptions are we making about . . . this project we are discussing . . . the intended outcome . . . the schedule . . . our roles . . our constraints . . . our expectations. . . our criteria for success . . . our priorities?

In most situations, I know I’m probably making an assumption when I hear myself say the words… it happened BECAUSE… and also when I find myself saying I JUST KNOW….

 

How do you know what you know in life? What’s your criteria for saying something is TRUE? I invite you to question when you say I KNOW it – have you heard yourself say something like – my mother or father told me when I was a child; I read it in the newspaper; or even – Rev. Toni said it last week or in her last book!

 

You are probably making an assumption when you say I KNOW it’s true…Even if we SEE it with our own eyes–WE INTERPRET – even things we think we are experiencing –can have a different interpretation than the one we give it.

 

It’s one of the most important Ancient Wisdom – We can’t trust what we SEE to tell us what is real…

Instead of making assumptions – we need to ASK questions.   to find out what the other person’s view on something is.

 

Don Miguel tells us –   Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. Leave no communication in question – — and be especially careful of saying things to a third person like — I wonder what HE meant – do you think she meant this. MAKE NO ASSUMPTIONS – ASK!!! Verify the TRUTH before you act on it and certainly before you spread it through the grapevine. – not just I have it from a reliable source.

 

From early on we learn to make assumptions

because we think we always have to have an answer

not just ANY answer – but the RIGHT answer!

 

At this moment, I invite all of us to open up to truly loving one another by giving up two things in life – THE NEED TO BE RIGHT – and the NEED TO BE IN CONTROL — both of those are illusions anyway.

In order not to make assumptions, we have to let go of these very basic needs; that’s why this is so tough.

Did you ever find yourself arguing for something that you don’t even know is true? We all have OPINIONS and we take a stand on them as if they were TRUTH.   When someone says something I disagree with – I truly work to take on the attitude, THAT’S INTERESTING – and REALLY try to hear why they think what they are thinking rather than ASSUMING I know what they are thinking.

 

Don’t EVER ASSUME you understand another human

being – or know why he or she is doing what they are doing — the TRUTH is we don’t even understand ourselves.

 

We all have a set code of ethics that we live by –

What’s important to you in life? Your ASSUMPTIONS are based on – what YOU think is important. I guarantee that if you try to do that list for your spouse, your partner, your best friend – you will probably be WRONG most of the time.

 

We all make assumptions all the time. Nothing wrong with making assumptions – we just ought to know what they are – and be willing to challenge them in order to grow if they aren’t serving us well.

 

Whenever you get UPSET, behind the UPSET is usually a FEAR – and a NEED TO BE RIGHT and IN CONTROL…

The best way to PRACTICE this agreement is to catch yourself whenever you get angry, annoyed or agitated (whatever word you use!) – and ask yourself – what NEED is active here – the Need to be Right – or to be In control?

Then, stop and ASK what assumptions am I making? What am I taking personally?

 

Recognize that we only see and hear what we want to see and hear. Our minds don’t like not understanding something, so we make an assumption about the meaning.

 

We make assumptions all the time about what other people are doing or thinking what we think they should be doing and thinking. Partners, couples, families, friends assume the other knows what we want, They should know me

If he or she loved me , he or she would know what I want without my telling him — and then when things turns out differently we TAKE IT PERSONALLY

 

“The day we stop making assumptions with our loved ones, our ways of communicating will change completely “ We know we have stopped making assumptions when we have no more conflicts due to assumptions. We stop taking things personally.

 

By making this one agreement a habit,

our life will be completely transformed.

Without making assumptions, our word becomes impeccable.

 

 

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Do you have a favorite holiday?  I certainly do. It’s Thanksgiving. I think it’s because I was born near Thanksgiving and in fact, for most of my formative years, I thought all of America was celebrating My birthday!  (Now that’s a great way to develop good self-esteem…)

 

Thanksgiving, Gratitude, Appreciation have all been very important themes in my life – so, you can imagine that it came as quite a shock to me when not long ago, I was sitting on my comfortable purple wing back chair in my peaceful, green living room, having a conversation with my business coach.  When out from the mouth of the speaker  phone, I distinctly heard him say – Toni – all you ever do is complain.

 

You’ve been doing nothing but complaining since the first time we started to work together.  All I hear from you is Complaint, Complaint, Complaint.

 

Wow!  That was a shock.  Not me – I’m one of the most positive people I know.  After all, I really believe that It’s a wonderful world.  I believe that the Universe is a friendly place.  I see the Good in everything and everyone. (well – almost everyone!)

 

For heavens sake, I even teach people to create gratitude journals, to live in appreciation and find the positive aspects about every situation. I’m always talking about focusing on the good. I do this for a living.

 

Did he know who he was talking to? I quickly moved back away from the phone (as if that would help what I was hearing) and decided then and there that he clearly hadn’t heard anything I had been saying all those months we were working together – surely, he didn’t understand me –– He must have ME mistaken with someone else….  I was not a happy camper.

 

I see complaining as the direct opposite of gratitude and that just wasn’t the image I ever held of myself.

 

He went on to tell me – it’s subtle but nonetheless true,

you never think that you are doing enough, or that what you ARE doing is good enough and I’ve even noticed that most of the goals you have set are because you feel like YOU are NOT ENOUGH.  Toni – I call that constantly complaining…

 

WHEW!   I didn’t like what I was hearing ONE bit –and so, I did what any high self-esteem person would have done at the moment –  I ended my relationship with him!

 

After spending some time COMPLAINING about this coach to my friends!! – I began to take a closer look at my life and what I was saying and thinking – albeit unconsciously. And, so, IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO COMPLAIN –  I will share with you today all the complaints that I have let go of since and how that has radically changed my life.

 

If you are complaining at all – you can’t be feeling and living in gratitude.  I suggest we prepare for Thanksgiving this year by beginning to  NOTICE the number of ways we complain in life and make a commitment to letting go of all complaints.

 

This goes along with the message I gave here last month about allowing everything to be okay – it’s just a little more subtle…

 

So – what do I mean about letting go of complaints -That means – the complaints you have about things not going your way – perhaps with the economy – or the govt;- or maybe we should start with something easier like your neighbors, you job or in your relationships;

 

the complaints you have about other people’s stupidity or lack of insight (which means they don’t think like you!) –

 

the complaint that says – I wish I were somewhere else or doing something else… When we aren’t accepting what is exactly as it is, we are actually complaining!

 

DISTRACTIONS from the present moment are a way of our being UNGRATEFUL for what is.

Whenever we fail to focus on what we are doing, we are in effect criticizing it – wanting to do something else.

(I told you this was subtle.)

 

What did you complain about this past week?  Yesterday?  This morning?

Remember that What we focus on increases – When you complain, you are actually inviting the Universe to give you more to complain about!!

 

Do you want to know God more and to allow the perfect plan for your life to present itself in you?  Then rather than complain about things as they are – begin to NOTICE only what is RIGHT in your life and in all your affairs.

 

You will notice that if you start conversation with criticism all join in…and if you start with praise, the same happens.

 

Mrs. Jones entertained at a musical afternoon in her home.  The feature was a great and well known violinist.  When it was all over, everybody crowded around the musician.

I’ve got to be very frank with you, one of the guests said.. I think your performance was terrible.  
Whereupon the hostess interposed:: Pay no attention to him.  He doesn’t know what he is talking about.  He only repeats what he hears everyone else say.

 

Find something to appreciate in everyone you know.

If you find yourself in a conversation today where others are complaining – gently but deliberately turn the tide of the conversation to WHAT IS WORKING. We Get what we focus on in life.

 

Do you want more wholeness in your physical body?  Then praise the evidence of life and health that you already have, and the divine intelligence within your cells will be encouraged to create even greater wholeness and well-being. Even our bodies respond more to LOVE Than to criticism. (my personal story lately!….)

DO you want more prosperity?  Begin to truly APPRECIATE what you do have – whatever resources you do have,  – stop looking at what isn’t there and look at what IS instead and you will find that and what you have will multiply in new and creative ways

 

Forbes Magazine

If we noticed little pleasure, as we notice little pains

If we quite forgot our losses and remembered all our gains

If we looked for people’s virtues and their faults refused to see

What a comfortable, happy, cheerful place this world would be.

There is a story told about a woman Zen master named Sono who taught one very simple method of enlightenment. She advised everyone who came to her to adopt an affirmation to be said many times a day, under all conditions. The affirmation was, “Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.”

Many people from all arenas of life came to Sono for healing. Some were in physical pain; others were emotionally distraught; others had financial troubles; some were seeking soul liberation. No matter what their distress or what question they asked, her response was the same: “Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.” Some people went away disappointed; others grew angry; others tried to argue with her. Yet some people took her suggestion to heart and began to practice it. Tradition tells that everyone who practiced Sono’s mantra found peace and healing.

Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.      Can you imagine what your life would be like if you simply dropped your complaints? It’s a radical proposal, since most of us have been trained to question, analyze, and criticize everything we see.

I used to teach critical thinking – and it’s an important skill to master – but, I found after a while that I was more easily noticing what was wrong with things than what was right.  Does anybody else see themselves in this or am I alone?

And, then, of course, we end up questioning, analyzing, and criticizing ourselves. Then we miss out on joy, the only true measure of success.

Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.

Perhaps there is a voice inside you objecting, “But if I did not complain, people would walk all over me and if we stopped complaining about our government – terrorists would keep crashing airplanes into buildings, and, selfish opportunists would genetically manipulate our food  and all kinds of new viruses would creep into our lives –and–Got it.

Thank you for everything. I have no complaint whatsoever.  When you are truly living that, you can’t help but experience gratitude.  And, the next step after FEELING gratitude is acting out of gratitude – which is acting in service.

I’d like to suggest this month that you consider the organizations and people you complain about – maybe even this Church — and then ask – HOW CAN I SERVE those very people and organizations?

Where have you found yourself saying THIS needs to be done… Why isn’t anyone doing  x?   What in your life do you believe SHOULD be happening?  What are YOU doing about it?

 

Listen how often you say HE SHOULD be doing… or – we need to….  If you’d said that or thought that – I’d like to tell you what Emma Curtis Hopkins, mystic and early New Thought teacher –  once said – If an idea comes to you about what needs to be done, it is YOURS TO DO..   (REPEAT)…

 

Whenever you are complaining – it is really your intuitive voice calling you to SERVE!  Now, how’s that for a reframe!!

 

I have a favorite poem about this that I’d like to share with you today… You might have heard it. It goes:

 

There once were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

An important job had to be done, and everybody was sure that somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.  
Everybody thought Anybody could do it and that Somebody would do it.

But Nobody realized that Everybody thought Somebody would do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

 

So – NO COMPLAINTS – and if you do complain, ask instead HOW YOU CAN SERVE and– find things to APPRECIATE.

 

I’d like to make a distinction between gratitude and appreciation.

Often, there is so much in the nuances of life. For me, the difference between gratitude and appreciation is one such nuance.  I used to keep a gratitude journal, now I write pages about what I appreciate.

 

Gratitude often points you towards a struggle you’ve overcome and so You’re happy that you’re out of it – some of your energy might still be on what you overcame. Sometimes we are grateful for what didn’t happen – like after being sick, we often feel grateful for our health.  Or when something we don’t like happens, we’re often grateful that it wasn’t worse.

Even when we receive something from someone else.. If we think we have to repay a debt – that’s not the best of energies.

Appreciation – on the other hand – aligns you with the Source within you. It’s a very different vibration.

Try it for yourself. Say the following, and feel the difference within you:

“I am so very grateful for __________________.”

“I have so much appreciation for ______________.”

Appreciation is a vibrational alignment with who I have become; It’s Me being in sync with the whole of who I am. Seeing what I am looking at through the eyes of Source.

You could walk down the street and other people see things to criticize.  But, when you are in a vibration of appreciation, you wouldn’t see them – because you are seeing as God sees.

So, I invite you to start making lists of the positive aspects of the people and situations in your life–You might even give them or send them to the people you are writing about.

HT Webster, the newspaper cartoonist, amused himself one summer day by sending telegrams to twenty acquaintances selected at random; each message containing the one word, CONGRATULATIONS.   So far as he knew, not one of them had done anything in particular to be congratulated on:: But each took the message as a matter of course and wrote him a letter of thanks.  Everyone of them had done something that he himself regarded as clever and worthy of a congratulatory telegram.

 

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?  And why are you waiting?

Spend the next few weeks finding people and things to appreciate – Commit to Letting go of all complaints.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING – I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS WHATSOEVER.

Look for reasons to feel good.  Focus on your favorite things –

Look for the things you like and don’t give attention to anything else.

I think you’ll find that – IT’S TRULY –  A WONDERFUL WORLD.

Strangers in Good Company (Touchstone, 1991)

 

A group of long-lived women take shelter in an abandoned farmhouse when their tour bus breaks down. While they wait for other transportation, they share the stories of their lives with each other.

It happened to me again.  I was in the market shopping.  The aisle was a bit tight with two other people trying to pass at the same time.  I turned quickly to get out of the way and out of nowhere a sharp pain grabbed my hip.  I stumbled, almost falling, but caught myself on one of the shopping carts.

You may have had a similar the experience.  It happens sometimes, usually without warning.  Arthritis seems to grab at a joint in my hips or knees.  There’s a sharp pain and it’s as though for a moment I lose control of my body.  I know it’s not uncommon.  I often hear people my age talking about their bodies just not doing what they want it to any longer.  That’s exactly what happens to me.

One of the unsettling things about aging is the loss of control.  As I begin to experience these little interruptions that catch me off guard, like a sharp hip pain that causes me to stumble, I pay more attention to those who experience far greater losses in mobility.  If I allow my mind to wonder, I recall the crippling effects of arthritis evident in my mother and the years my father was bed-ridden with Parkinson’s.  I try not to think too much about those things because it leads me to wonder:  how long before I am next?

Yet, when I’m reminded of the increasing limitations in my own body, my experience of loss of control, I try to keep focused on this loss as a natural process.  I hope to ease into it.  I also remind myself that this physical process parallels the process of spiritual growth and maturity.

When one becomes more attuned to the spiritual dimension of life, experiences of self-fulfillment, peace, and wholeness are common.  In these early stages, spirituality is often equated with personal well being.  But that’s just the starting point for nurturing the spiritual dimension of life.  (And yes, it is an essential place to start.)  With maturity comes the growth is letting go of self, self-fulfillment, and self-satisfaction to allow for the experience union and communion with that which we experience as greater than ourselves:  the universe, the Divine Mystery, the heart of transcendence.  This maturity requires us to let go of control over self and, in a sense, to allow self to melt away in moments of communion with something more than we can easily describe.

The process may sound odd and mysterious or perhaps even absurd.  Yet, we experience this process each evening when we sleep.  In order to fall asleep, we must let go of all control over our activities and responsibilities, allow our minds to clear and our bodies to relax, and in doing so, we let go of awareness to sleep and to rest.  This pattern is part of the natural cycle.

The pattern of maturity that leads us to let go and not have control is a basic pattern in life.  That pattern is found in the rhythm of sleeping and waking, of growing in spirituality so that we release egoic preoccupation to experience communion with the Holy One, and in the physical changes we experience in aging.  Just as we cannot prevent the sun from rising and setting or the seasons from changing summer to autumn, so too this cycle of losing control is part of what it is to be human.  It’s something to simply embrace as a unique dimension of what it is to be alive.

While it may seem trite to some, perhaps the simple wisdom in Twelve Step programs says it best:  when we want to hold onto the illusion of control, we just need to, “let go and let God.”  The control we think we have over life is nothing more than a passing illusion.

I’d honestly prefer not to have arthritis.  The stiffness and occasional pain is frustrating.  I don’t like how it slows me down.  But slowing down….that’s at the heart of living a life of balance rooted in the spiritual dimension.  Keeping this in mind, perhaps the aches and pains of growing older can be a way to refocus on our need to let go and be open to the deeper Mystery which sustains all life.

 

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© 2017, emerging by Lou Kavar, Ph.D.. All rights reserved.