Midlife Transition

I’m currently reading Carolyn Myss’ Entering the Castle and it’s exciting on so many levels. First of all, many years ago, I studied the works of the mystic, Teresa of Avila and so, it is reminding me of so many deep experiences of long ago. Secondly, Carolyn talks about the soul in ways that Continue reading “Entering the Castle – Carolyn Myss – a Midlife book?” →

“Where have I been? Where am I going? What does it all mean?” These are some of the questions you’re likely to ask yourself as you approach midlife. Remember the last time you did this kind of existential questioning? Probably when you were a rebellious teen!

Midlife is a time of self-analysis and reflection. It is a particularly difficult stage for many baby boomers, the generation of folks who were never supposed to age. Wonderful folks enter my office daily, resisting the march of time and trying to make sense of it all.

Some continue to look to the past — wistfully or with regret — and to the future with trepidation. Others negotiate the passage to midlife artfully, almost seamlessly. What is their secret?

Successful “midlifers” probably ask themselves these questions:

l What must I let go of? To move into midlife in a healthy way, it’s important to acknowledge roads not taken, physical prowess lost, and age-related changes in appearance. You must grieve these losses if you are to move on to a new life stage.

l What have I learned from the past? It’s important to assess what life has taught you up until now. This understanding will make the most of your future.

l What are my strengths today? Take note of what you have gained, as well as what you have lost. It is likely that you are better able to put hardship into perspective today. You probably are more flexible and accepting of others’ foibles. Years of life experience have made
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you more confident, yet less likely to take yourself too seriously. Finally, you are probably less focused on materialism and status, and more concerned with good health, family and friends.

Having answered these questions, do the following:

l Nurture friendships, old and new: As you focus less on career and children, you may have time and energy to devote to more honest and accepting relationships with friends.

l Mend and strengthen family ties: As your children grow up and leave home, let them become your friends. It’s no longer your place to offer unsolicited advice or ask unwanted questions. If you remember this, your children will relish the opportunity to spend time with you. Whenever possible, let go of family rivalries and old resentments. Painful things said and done years ago are not nearly as important as the joy that family can bring.

l Optimize your health: You may not be as attractive as you were at 25. You can, however, choose to make yourself healthy, fit and attractive today. Good nutrition, adequate rest and regular exercise will make you look your best. Most importantly, you will feel your best, physically and mentally, and emotionally.

l Remain positive and flexible: Instead of ruminating about the past, focus on exciting future possibilities. Allow yourself new and different experiences. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself. By now you’ve earned the right to try frivolous things and to look ridiculous in the process!

– Dare to dream: Chances are you have not realized all of your past dreams. Are these dreams still possibilities? Make a list of the things you loved to do as a child. Add to it the things that capture your interest today. Your list will provide possible clues to a new career or a wonderful pastime. Pursuing your passion will greatly enhance your future.

– Seek spirituality: It’s never too late to become more reflective, and find strength from something outside yourself. As you age, it is normal to ask questions about the meaning of life and death. Finding peace with these issues will allow you to fully enjoy the present.

Midlife offers you a choice: You can focus on what was, or develop a fresh perspective about future possibilities. It’s all up to you. If you decide to let it, life can just keep getting better and better!

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Maud Purcell is a psychotherapist, corporate consultant and director of The Life Solution Center of Darien. Write to her at mpurcell@thelifesolutioncenter.net.

One of my favorite stories that I believe applies particularly to those of us in midlife, is about an African tribe. It’s all about learning to sing your own song or show your own colors — two of the major themes I speak about in my keynotes to organizations. Here is a place I originally read the story by Alan Cohen. Take it to heart. It’s priceless.

They’re Playing Your Song

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song. Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

When I have shared this story in my lectures, a fair amount of people in the audience come to tears. There is something inside each of us that knows we have a song, and we wish those we love would recognize it and support us to sing it. In some of my seminars I ask people to verbalize to a partner the one phrase they wish their parents had said to them as a child. Then the partner lovingly whispers it in their ear. This exercise goes very deep, and many significant insights start to click. How we all long to be loved, acknowledged, and accepted for who we are!

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

One summer when I was a teenager I went to visit my cousin and her family in Wilmington, Delaware. One afternoon she took me to the community pool, where I met a man who changed my life. Mr. Simmons talked to me for about ten minutes. It wasn’t what he said that affected me so deeply; it was how he listened to me. He asked me questions about my life, my feelings, and my interests. The unusual thing about Mr. Simmons was that he paid attention to my answers. Although I had family, friends, and teachers, this man was the only person in my world who seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and valued me for who I was. After our brief conversation I never saw him again. I probably never will. I’m sure he had no idea that he gave me the gift of a lifetime.

If you do not give your song a voice, you will feel lost, alone, and confused. If you express it, you will come to life. I have also done a workshop exercise in which everyone in the room is given a piece of paper with the name of a simple song on it, such as “Mary Had a Little Lamb” or “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” In the whole group there are perhaps eight different songs, and a half-dozen people have the same song named on their paper. Each person is then asked to mill around the room while they whistle or hum their song. When they find someone else playing the same song, they stay together until they find everyone who is singing that song. Thus they create small groups that serve as touchstones for the duration of the program.

Life is very much like this exercise. We attract people on a similar wavelength so we can support each other to sing aloud. Sometimes we attract people who challenge us by telling us that we cannot or should not sing our song in public. Yet these people help us too, for they stimulate us to find greater courage to sing it.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home.

Alan Cohen is the author of 15 popular inspirational books, including the award-winning A Deep Breath of Life. For information about Alan’s Mastery Training in Hawaii or to request a free catalog of Alan’s books, tapes, and seminars, call 1-800-462-3013 or visit Alan’s web site at www.alancohen.com. Enrich your abundance by joining Alan for the innovative home-study Year of Living Prosperously. Contact Alan’s office at 455A Kukuna Road, Haiku, HI 96708