Dr. Toni

What kind of Friend are You?

Posted on by Dr. Toni

Friendships are even more important as we age. But, so many people tell me that as they are going through the process of aging, they find it hard to make friends. If you are one of those people (or even if you are not), read on to find some stimulating ideas about how to attract friends. We are mirrors in life and we do attract what and who we are.

By assuming the specialness of every person, we build a culture of respect that generates energy, creativity, and magnetism – something that people can sense and feel, and to which they are drawn. Highly respectful cultures treat every person with courtesy and interest, and convey the understanding that every member of the community is valued. By treating every person with the utmost respect, we develop a culture in which everyone wants to give their best to others, and expects to receive the best from others in return. It is the type of culture everyone deserves, and it is up to us to make it happen. In our daily lives, we can create a culture of respect with every personal interaction we have, whether it is with a store clerk, a dignitary, or a colleague. The only way to have a friend is to be one.

The following is a story I heard long ago and haven’t been able to find the source, but it speaks to this idea perfectly.

It’s called THE RABBI’S GIFT
Once a great order, a decaying monastery had only five monks left. The order was dying. In the surrounding deep woods, there was a little hut that a Rabbi from a nearby town used from time to time.

 

The monks always knew the Rabbi was home when they saw the smoke from his fire rise above the treetops. As the Abbot agonized over the imminent death of his order, it occurred to him to ask the Rabbi if he could offer any advice that might save the monastery.

 

The Rabbi welcomed the Abbot at his hut. When the Abbot explained the reason for his visit, the Rabbi could only commiserate with him. “I know how it is,” he exclaimed. “The spirit has gone out of the people. It is the same in my town. Almost no one comes to the synagogue anymore.” So the Abbot and the Rabbi sat together discussing the Bible and their faiths.

 

The time came when the Abbot had to leave. “It has been a wonderful visit,” said the Abbot, “but I have failed in my purpose. Is there nothing you can tell me to help save my dying order?”

 

“The only thing I can tell you,” said the Rabbi, “is that the Messiah is among you.”

 

When the Abbot returned to the monastery, his fellow monks gathered around him and asked, “What did the Rabbi say?” “He couldn’t help,” the Abbot answered. “The only thing he did say, as I was leaving was that the Messiah is among us. Though I do not know what these words mean.”

 

In the months that followed, the monks pondered this and wondered whether there was any possible significance to the Rabbi’s words: The Messiah is among us? Could he possibly have meant that the Messiah is one of us monks here at the monastery? If that’s the case, which one of us is the Messiah? Do you suppose he meant the Abbot? Yes, if he meant anyone, he probably meant Father Abbot. Certainly he could not have meant Brother Elred! Elred gets crotchety at times. But come to think of it, even so, Elred is virtually always right. Maybe the rabbi did mean Brother Elred. Of course the Rabbi didn’t mean me.

 

He couldn’t possibly have meant me. I’m just an ordinary person. Yet supposing he did? Suppose I am the Messiah?

 

As they contemplated in this manner, the monks began to treat each other with extraordinary respect on the off chance that one among them might be the Messiah and in turn, each monk began to treat himself with extraordinary respect.

 

It so happened that people still occasionally came to visit the beautiful forest and monastery. Without even being conscious of it, visitors began to sense a powerful spiritual aura. They were sensing the extraordinary respect that now filled the monastery.

 

Hardly knowing why, people began to come to the monastery frequently to picnic, to play, and to pray. They began to bring their friends, and their friends brought their friends. Then it happened that some of the younger men who came to visit the monastery started to talk more and more with the older monks. After a while, one asked if he could join them. Then, another and another asked if they too could join the abbot and older monks. Within a few years, the monastery once again became a thriving order, a vibrant center of light and spirituality in the realm. –

 

 

Friendship, Healthy Aging and your Life Review

Posted on by Dr. Toni

In the quest for healthy aging, many people turn to doctors, self-help books or herbal supplements. But they overlook a powerful tool that could help them fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging and prolong life: their friends.

Even Researchers are starting to pay attention to the importance of friendship and social networks in overall health.

One of the things I did when creating my Life Review was to write a list

(by decade) of who the important people were in my life at that time. You’d be amazed at how many people have crossed your path in a lifetime.
Yes, I did find that some of them have transitioned to another plane and some I am no longer in touch with. Even that is a great thing to ponder. Why do some friends make it for the long haul and others seem to be there for only a brief moment in time? Each of us would answer that differently.

(Would love to hear your ideas on this – please comment below this article.)

What follows is a summary of something I learned long ago in life, but the list was originally put together by Dale Carnegie. It’s worth pondering.

Dale Carnegie’s Six Rules for Winning Friends:

 

1. Be genuinely interested in other people.

Friend – a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Starhawk:Community.  Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats.

Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power.

Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing.  A circle of friends.  Someplace where we can be free.

WHERE IS YOUR COMMUNITY?

2. Smile.   A man without a smiling face must not open shop.

There are some people who are very resourceful at being remorseful

And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends

Is to do something terrible and then make amends.  Ogden Nash

A bumptious playwright who had a new show opening sent a couple of tickets for the first night to the mayor of the city with a note suggesting that the chief executive could bring a friend, if you have one.

The mayor returned the tickets with a courteous letter stating that previous engagements made it impossible for him to see the show the opening night, but he would purchase two tickets for the second performance – if there was one!.

3. Remember that a person’s name to that person is the sweetest and most important sound in the language.

Let you be who you are.  Complement your weaknesses… not talk about them
Real friends are those who, when you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel that you’ve done a permanent job.

Every man should keep a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends.

Say only what is TRUE,  NECESSARY ,  KIND

4. Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.  Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.

Be more ready to visit a friend in adversity than in prosperity.

Unless you bear with the faults of a friend, you betray your own.

A false friend is like a shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade

WHO AM I WILLING TO COMMIT TO

A friend is one to whom we may pour out the contents of our hearts, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

Between friends, there is a silent mental communication — telepath

5. Talk in terms of the other’s interests

What friends have in common is the best interest of each other.

Friends seek to coexist, complement and grow toward greater good with each other. One such example is the relationship between Ruth Eisenberg and Margaret Patrick, pianists who have played to audiences in Canada and the US>  Because of the effect of strokes, one  woman plays piano with her right hand and the other with her left.  Together they produce the mutually harmonious music they both love because each woman is willing to share the best of herself.

6. Make the other person feel important – and do it with sincerity.

I had a marvelous day said the first salesman, made lots of friends of our company.Me too, said the second salesman quite understandingly.  I didn’t sell anything either.

I’ll close this article today by telling you one of my favorite stories that I believe says it all.

When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has

its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song.

Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then

they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

Coaching and Mentoring: What’s the Difference?

Posted on by Dr. Toni

 

There are lots of people and companies out there who can coach you to reach a specific goal. Coaches are functionally oriented and task oriented. People often confuse coaching and mentoring. Though related, they are not the same. Coaches don’t mentor, but mentors can sometimes coach when needed and wanted.

In a previous article  http://www.midlifemessages.com/coach-or-mentor-is-there-a-difference-do-i-needwant-one/   I talked about coaching.

Now, I’d like to share some thoughts on mentoring as well.
Mentoring characteristics:

Relationships are personal–a mentor can provide both professional and personal support. In the context of spiritual mentoring, the mentor honors the divine intuition of the mentee and fosters an internal locus of control.  In other-words, the mentors role is to ask appropriate questions and give examples so that the mentee might find his/her own answers by going within.

I have often found that using Journaling techniques can be very helpful in this process. When I meet with people, either on Skype, phone or in person on a monthly basis, I suggest (emphasis here on suggest rather than assign) specific journaling tasks to encourage self-reflection.

A good Spiritual Mentor will:

  • Help you to get clear on what you are really wanting.
  • Explore and discover blocks in your belief system and teach you effective ways to eliminate these blocks.
  • Listen carefully and  reflect back to you what I’m hearing you say.
  • Encourage you to focus on the positive aspects of life rather than rehash the things you are uncomfortable with at the time.
  • Support you in honoring ‘what is’
  • Nurture the Knower within you
  • Guide you in a process to learn to release fear and live in faith.

If you are looking for this type of service, please click on the PAGE link for Spiritual Coaching

Coach or Mentor – Is there a Difference? Do I need/want one?

Posted on by Dr. Toni

As I work with more and more clients and read about and talk to others about their ‘programs’, I can’t help noticing the difference between coaching and mentoring. It led me to reflect on my own life and how I have used both.

COACHES

Voice Lessons
When I was young I wanted to sing and used to perform before a captive audience of my family whenever I could. As I grew older and discovered that I actually had a decent voice, I went out to find a voice coach. I discovered soon that I actually didn’t like the ones who praised me a lot and just let me practice some scales and whatever I wanted to sing. I resisted the one who had me singing some classical music that I didn’t relate to well at the time, but I appreciated her when I realized that my range had expanded because of it. The best coaches were the ones who had a system that I could follow. There were a series of things I had to practice and particular ways I had to learn to breathe if I were to sustain the higher notes for any length of time. I learned a lot and my voice improved.

Sports
When I talk about sports coaches, it is less from personal experience and more from observation and from what others have told me. But, once again, the best coaches have a PLAN that they follow. I’ve seen it in watching football. When the team huddles, the coach gives them the strategy to be followed – exactly. It seems that good coaches tell you what to do and how to do it.

Internet Marketing
The first thing I did when I got involved in Internet marketing was to hire a coach. I got weekly homework and to do lists which I followed exactly and reported my progress. I was encouraged along the way and told when I was doing things properly and when I was not. I paid large sums of money to get this kind of advice.

Life Coach
At times in my life I have also hired life coaches. Usually it was when I had a specific goal that I wanted to achieve. I found someone who had done what I wanted to do. One example was when I wanted to make my book a best-seller. I found someone who had done that many times over and paid her on a weekly basis to guide me in the process. I became a best seller following exactly what she told me to do.

Most life coaches I know (and I know a lot of them) have a particular focus. One, for example, works to help women find their soul mates. She works with them to uncover beliefs that may be stopping them and has a number of techniques and tools she teaches them to use to find that perfect person.

Sum it all –
A coach listens to what it is you want to achieve – with the emphasis on doing and achieving and then holds you accountable to accomplish the tasks they set out. Most of the coaches I’ve seen have a system of success that they can walk you through at whatever pace you are ready to follow. They are your cheerleader in reaching your goal.

MENTORING – on the other hand is more of a BEING process rather than a doing. The mentor is there without a plan – to watch what your life wishes to unfold and helps you see more clearly who you are being and who you might need to be in order for a given change to occur in your life.

Later this week I’ll describe the mentoring process in more detail. It’s the place I work from and feel most comfortable with these days. What about you?  See the box below – let’s hear your comments. Have you had good coaching? What’s made it good? Were you able to achieve your goals? Was anything missing for you? What would you have liked to have experienced? Let me know.

Recommended Books on Spirituality for Midlife and Aging

Posted on by Dr. Toni

From time to time I read some great books on this topic and I want to present them to you for your enjoyment as well. Bookmark this page. It will become a very useful resource.

by Dr. Toni

Arrien, Angeles. The Four-Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer, and Visionary
Boulder, CO: Sounds True, 2005. Offers a collection of teachings, reflections, and stories from around the world to open us to the challenges and deeper mysteries of “the great crossing” at midlife. Mastering these lessons and gifts can help us harvest the meaning and purpose of our life, and come into our spiritual maturity
Highly Recommend this Offer – Get Your Copy NOW

Atchley, Robert C. .Spirituality and Aging Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkin’s University Press, 2009. A spiritual life, one focused on personal growth and deep human experience, is a major focus and motivator for people over the age of forty. This book offers insights into what spirituality is, why it is important, and how it influences the experience of aging

Autry, James. .The Spirit of Retirement : Creating a Life of Meaning and Personal Growth Prima Pub., 200

Buford, Bob. Finishing Well: What People Who “Really Live” Do Differently
. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004. Explores how such ‘trailblazers’ as Peter Drucker, Jim Collins, Roger Staubach and Ken Blanchard have gone beyond success to significance in their 40s and beyond. Discusses how anyone can accomplish work that has eternal purpose and meaning .

Rich, Phil, Madway Sampson, Dorothy, and Fetherling, Dale. The Healing Journey Through Retirement: Your Journal of Transition and Transformation (The Healing Journey Series)
. John Wiley, 2000

Chittister, Joan. The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully
. New York, NY: BlueBridge, 2008. Looks at the many dimensions of aging and considers the joys of this special stage of life and the rewards of being open to new experiences and new relationships

Cohen, Gene. The Mature Mind: The Positive Power of the Aging Brain
/em>. New York, NY: Basic Books, 2005. Contrary to the long-held belief that our brain power inevitably declines as we age, The Mature Mind argues that there are actually positive changes taking place in our minds, which continue to grow and flourish well into the second half of life.

The Center on Aging, Health & Humanities Creative Age: Awakening Human Potential in the Second Half of Life, The. New York, NY: Avon Books, 2000. Offers examples of older people who found new careers, unexpected talents, and success, and disccuses ways to discover one’s own untapped potential for a more satisfying middle and old age www.worldcat.org/oclc/42863229

Corbett, David and Higgins, Richard. Portfolio Life: Portfolio Life: The New Path to Work, Purpose, and Passion After 50 . San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2007. Turns two simple ideas into a program for life-enrichment: (1) you can create a life expressly for yourself and (2) the so-called retirement years are the best time to do it.

Davidson, Sara. Leap!: What Will We Do with the Rest of Our Lives?
. New York, NY: Random House, 2007. Explores the choices and challenges facing Baby Boomers and the options available to them.

Dychtwald, Maddy. Cycles: Cycles: How We Will Live, Work and Buy
. New York, NY: Free Press, 2003. Argues that previous generations have had a ‘mid-life crisis’ but Boomers have put a positive spin on the process and ‘reinvented’ themselves. Discusses how Boomers are defying conventional wisdom about growing ol

Englert, Jonathan. The Collar
. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Co., 2006. Chronicles the spiritual odyssey of five men who chose to leave behind their former lives to pursue the Catholic priesthood, offering a candid study of seminary life, the challenges of the priesthood, and the nature of a spiritual calling.

Fox, Matthew. The Reinvention of Work: New Vision of Livelihood for Our Time,. San Francisco, CA: HarperSanFrancisco, 1994. Offers a vision of a work world in which intellect, heart, and health are harmonized, and personal and professional lives are in balance

Gardner, Howard; Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly and Damon, William. Good Work: When Excellence and Ethics Meet
. New York, NY: Basic Books, 2001. Discusses what it means to carry out ‘good work’ — work that is both excellent in quality and socially responsible. Explores this theme in two different professional fields — genetics (in a self-identified golden age) and journalism (in a self-critical, transitional stage). Concludes that the same “five levers for good work” apply. Discusses how to foster and encourage ‘good work’ in all professions.

Jones, Terry. Elder: A Spiritual Alternative to Being Elderly. Elderhood Institute Books, 2006.

Jones, Terry. The Elder Within: The Source of Mature Masculinity. BookPartners, 2001. Elderhood Institute

Koenig, Harold. Purpose And Power In Retirement (HB): New Opportunities for Meaning and Significance
. Philadelphia, PA: Templeton Foundation Press, 2002. Traces the history of retirement and presents research on the effects of retirement on the mind, body and spirit. Invites readers to adopt a vocation or purpose instead of the ‘leisure’ retirement model

Laslett, Peter. A Fresh Map of Life: The Emergence of the Third Age
. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1991. Argues that the Third Age – beyond the bread-winning and child-rearing years – is that of greatest personal fulfiilment, the apogee of life. Combines social history, sociology and philosophy to provoke new thinking on this changing nature of agin

Leider, Richard and Shapiro, David.  Something to Live For: Finding Your Way in the Second Half of Life. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2008. Discusses how to live authentically and wholeheartedly in the second half of life and, in doing so, find ways to both enjoy the world and make a meaningful contribution

Leider, Richard and Shapiro, David. Claiming Your Place at the Fire: Living the Second Half of Your Life on Purpose. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2004. Offers guidance in actively undertaking an internal, spiritual search for the purpose of one’s older years, utilizing the wisdom obtained in the first half of life

Levine, Suzanne. Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood
. New York, NY: Viking, 2005. Offers insights into how to render the second half of life a period of accomplishment, passion, and self-discovery

Manheimer, Ronald J. “Older Learner’s Journey to an Ageless Society: Lifelong Learning on the Brink of a Crisis, The” Journal of Transformative Education. v3 n3 (2005): 198-220  www.worldcat.org/oclc/439121779

Moody, Harry R. and Carroll, David L. The Five Stages of the Soul: Charting the Spiritual Passages That Shape Our Lives. New York, NY: Anchor Books, 1997. Explores the interest in a spiritual life that most people pursue in their middle years, moving (more or less) through five stages of development: the call, the search, the struggle, the breakthrough, the return.

Nash, Laura and Stevenson, Howard. Just Enough: Tools for Creating Success in Your Work and Life
. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2005. Discusses how constant striving means perpetual stress and how success, often defined in financial terms alone, actually involves four components: happiness, achievement, significance and legacy. Explains what these different components mean, how to define them, why “going for the max” is dangerous and how to determine one’s own version of enough.

Nussbaum, Paul. Brain Health and Wellness. Word Association, 2003

Nussbaum, Paul. Your Brain Health Lifestyle, 2nd Edition . Tarentum, PA: Word Association Publishers, 2009. Explains how the brain works and what can be done to help it work more effectively — at any age. www.worldcat.org/oclc/313659630

O’Toole, James. Creating the Good Life :Applying Aristotle’s Wisdom to Find Meaning and Happiness
. Emmaus, PA: Rodale, 2005. Draws on the wisdom of the ages to help individuals plan for the second half of their life so that it is satisfying, useful, moral, and meaningful. Translates Aristotle’s classical philosophical framework into practical, comprehensible terms for application in our contemporary lives and work

Pierce, Gregory F. Spirituality at Work: 10 Ways to Balance Your Life on the Job . Chicago, IL: Loyola Press, 2005. Examines the spirituality of work in the context of such issues as competition, compensation, and social justice. Discusses how to find meaning in the workplace

Pipher, Mary. Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders. Riverhead Books, 1999

Roszak, Theodore. Longevity Revolution: As Boomers Become Elders. Berkeley Hills Books, 2001

Rowe, John W., & Kahn, Robert L.. Successful Aging. Pantheon Books, 1998

Sadler, William A. The Third Age: Six Principles for Personal Growth and Rejuvenation after Forty
. Perseus Books, 2000

Schachter-Shalomi, Zalman and Miller, Ronald. From Age-ing to Sage-ing: A Profound New Vision of Growing Older. New York, NY: Warner Books, 1995. Recontextualizes aging as the anticipated fulfillment of life, not its inevitable decline. Recommends meditation and spiritual healing to help individuals enter their later years Also explores our limited perceptions of death and discusses how to embrace ‘conscious’ dying

Schlossberg, Nancy K. Retire Smart, Retire Happy: Finding Your True Path in Life
. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2003. Provides guidance on the psychological and emotional adjustments retirement requires, with tips on coping with its ups and downs. Discusses how individuals can conduct a personal inventory, reinforce relationships, and investigate new roles and activities in order to make this the most fulfilling time of life

Thomas, William H.. What Are Old People For?: How Elders Will Save the World. VanderWyk & Burnham, 2007

Trafford, Abigail. My Time: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life
. New York, NY: Basic Books, 2004. Examines the vital time in life between middle and old age, integrating personal anecdotes with expert opinion, research, and practical advice to explain how to make the most of the opportunities during this crucial period

Vaillant, George E. Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Harvard Study of Adult Development. Boston, MA: Little, Brown and Company, 2002. Argues that individual lifestyle choices play a greater role than genetics, wealth, race, or other factors in determining how happy people are in later life

Whyte, David..The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship. New York, NY: Riverhead Books, 2009. Encourages a reimagination of how we inhabit the worlds of love, work, and self-understanding. Suggests that separating these “marriages” in order to balance them is to destroy the fabric of happiness itself. Only by understanding the journey involved in each and the stages of their maturation can we understand how to bring them together in one fulfilled life

Whyte, David. Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity
. New York, NY: Riverhead Books, 2002. Assesses the workplace in terms of opportunities for rediscovering, shaping, and nurturing our personal lives. Applies the stages of a holy pilgrimage to the process of seeking one’s identity through work

Zelinski, Ernie. How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free: Retirement Wisdom That You Won’t Get from Your Financial Advisor. Berkeley, CA: Ten Speed Press, 2004. Offers advice on how to enjoy an active and satisfying retirement. Suggests that adequate financial resources are not enough but that having interesting leisure activities, creative pursuits, physical well-being, mental well-being, and solid social supports are also crucial.