Midlife Women

1. How much baggage is he carrying?

“Baggage” is different from life history. Baggage refers to serious unresolved problems — an ex-wife he can’t get over, betrayal by a business partner that has destroyed his trust, or an untreated depression. Nothing’s carved in stone. It matters only if the man is stuck, or willing to move on. (Try referring them to coaching if stuck. Attitude can be changed, if circumstances cannot, as you know!)
2. His emotional intelligence.

My client Melinda was having trouble figuring out what was going on with the guy she was dating who was 10 years older than she was. She assumed someone older was also wiser, which is not the case. A person’s emotional age can be much younger than their chronological age. If your intuition is telling you he’s immature, he is, regardless of his chronological age. If you’re in doubt, one session with an EQ coach can give you valuable information. EQ can always be advanced, BTW.
3. What does your intuition tell you?

Are you getting messages from your intuition? You should be. It’s your most valuable guide. Intuition is an emotional intelligence competency. Everyone has it, and it can also be developed. An assessment like The EQ Map will tell you how good yours is, and EQ coaching can help you improve it. Intuition takes up where the data runs out, and we need it for the most important life decisions of the heart. (He may call it “gut feeling.”) How will know he’s the right one for you? Your intuition. Analyzing the data will notget you there.
4. How are his relationships with the rest of his family?

There are patterns in our lives that keep repeating themselves (unless there is intervention). If his children aren’t speaking to him, or if they are calling him constantly and overly dependent on him, there’s something wrong. The same things will likely occur in your relationship with him. For instance, if he tells you his daughter “defied” him and he kicked her out, what do you think lies ahead for you when you first “defy” him, I mean have a disagreement?
5. What is his relationship with his mother?

We all know to check this one, but don’t overlook it.
6. What do you know about his former wife or wives?

Men are far less likely to change of broaden their tastes than women; in fact they are known to marry the same woman over and over again. You can find out what his “type” is and then anticipate the chances he’ll marry you. You can also anticipate where the sore points may lie. Let’s say you’re dating a physician who has married two social workers, and you’re a therapist. For some reason he’s attracted to psychological-types, and for some reason it hasn’t worked out. That reason why it hasn’t worked out needs to be given a long, cold look. (Call a coach!) Unless he is willing to change his way of doing things, you and he will have the same outcome.
7. Where is he in his career?

A man who is ready to retire is often desperate for companionship. If his work has been his “life,” it’s a time of confusion and fear, and his need will border on desperation for something to cling to. It’s not that you’d mind being a “lifesaver” temporarily, it’s that he won’t know his own mind, and yet will be very convincing. If you’re getting a barrage of flowers and cards and he’s talking about Fear of Retirement, give it time and look it over carefully.
8. How long has he been single?

My long experience in dating coaching confirms that a man in transition is not a good bet. Occasionally it works out, but not often. If he is “legally separated” or newly divorced, keep your thinking cap on. Men are likely to grab the first woman who comes along (who’s willing). Their vulnerability and touching earnestness can make them deceptively attractive. You won’t know you were being used until later on. Good coaches recommend their male clients in such a state date several women so as not to “lead them on.” Lead them on to what? A man newly divorced is not ready for a new commitment. If you’re just looking for a good time, he’s your man (thought the ending will still be rough). If you want serious, and you get involved, you’re likely to get your heart broken. Check it out with your coach if you’re not sure what you’re looking at. Men are not as creative in their response to life as women, and the patterns are quite recognizable to someone with experience.
9. What are his finances?

The state of a man’s finances at mid-life can indicate patterns. For instance, if he’s not been able to commit to a career or to a marriage, divorce takes its toll, and he’s likely to be in dire straits financially. There are other reasons too, of course, such as bad luck, or being in field with natural ups and downs, like the stock market, so check it out. The money itself isn’t the issue, it’s how and why it happened. (The value of money to you is a personal decision). Decide what you want and need in this area, check out his situation, and then find out why he is where he is.
If he’s well-heeled and ready for retirement, you will have a high-level problem. Likely he is about to grab a gal and cut loose. Is this you? In other words, what you see is not what you’re going to get. If you have ties to kids in the States and he wants to go live in the mountains of Spain or spend a year at-sea on his yacht, you’d best know this as soon as possible so you can make a decision.

10. Why are YOU dating?

In listening to people, and reading the online profiles, we see different points of view. While we assume in our 20s that men and women want the same thing in marriage, interests vary widely at midlife. A man may be impotent, for instance, and just want companionship, or twice-burned and determined never to marry again which might be fine with you, except what it really means is he will never love again. (I wish these men would come for coaching!) He may have his family all gathered around him and be planning to spend his later years playing with the grandkids, or want to live in the Bahamas and travel 6 months of the year. And what do you want? The main thing to figure out is his flexiblity (an emotional intelligence competency). Some people are quite willing to change plans with time, or for a loved one. Others are not. You need to know what you’re looking at. If he’s the kind who has been in the same profession for 40 years and lived in the same house for 30, and says he will work till he dies and never move, you’d best believe it.
About the Submitter

This piece was originally submitted by Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, Founding Member of Coachville, Life & EQ Coach, who can be reached at sdunn@susandunn.cc, or visited on the web. Susan Dunn wants you to know: Offering individual coaching, business programs, seminars, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional enhancement. Top-rated coach certification program – fast, affordable, effective, no-residency Email for information and for free ezine.

Isn’t that what we all want…to live a vibrant and successful life?

Celebrating ourselves is good for us. It’s good for our families, our friends and our communities – that positive energy is both life affirming and infectious. What better way to celebrate than to find little ways to indulge yourself and those you love? Women sometimes get so caught up in “taking care of” others that often we are the last to be cared for. Let’s start with taking care of ourselves and each other. Here are some suggestions to get you started. As you go though this list, write down the ones that speak to you, as well as the ones you think of in your journal.

What are you grateful for? Start a gratitude notebook (or section of your journal) and list all the things you are grateful for. Read it whenever you are feeling overwhelmed by life.

Plant a tree in honor of someone you care about. Better yet, plant an orchard.

Giving does wonders for yourself and others. Consider volunteering at your local school, senior center or library.

Do you have a tub? Candles? Some quiet piano music? Can you say “aahhh”?

Become a blood, organ and/or bone marrow donor.

Daydream! This is vitally important.

Manifest your life! Visualize what it is that you want. Get all the colors, smells and textures, emotions involved. Bring it to life. Remember we are what we think about.

Be in silence.

Send yourself flowers.

Exercise! Being physically fit is the ultimate way to vibrant living!

Make bubbles.

Invest in yourself (savings or retirement account, education)!

Go out into the night, away from the city lights and watch the meteor showers.

Be outrageous in all that you do.

Throw a party FOR your best friends.

Don’t wait for tomorrow.

Invite a special friend and splurge on a good meal.

Run through the sprinklers!

Find a photo booth in a mall and take some fun pictures of yourself.

Treat yourself to a spa day. Don’t forget the pedicure.

Learn to accept gifts from your friends.

Have breakfast in bed.

Have a belly laugh!

Curl up, in front of the fire, with hot chocolate and a really good book.

Volunteer at your local soup kitchen, food bank.

Adopt a park, beach, or community space in your town.

Be the first to venture outside after a snow storm.
(c)2004 Barbara C. Phillips

For over 26 years, Barbara C. Phillips, MN, NP has been involved in health care. Now, as the founder of OlderWiserWomen, LLC, that experience and passion is focused on Women who want to experience the freedom, magic and wisdom of successful aging. She can be reached through http://www.OlderWiserWomen.com

Have you read Marianne Williamson’s Age of Miracles, all about midlife? I just read it the second time. It’s my quest in life to change the way the world views midlife and I think this is a start. I don’t always agree with everything Marianne has to say, but there is a wonderful passage that I want to share (in case you haven’t already read it) since it speaks to my heart:

Famous passage from Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Actually, who are you NOT to be?You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I invite you to ponder those ideas -and ask yourself where in your life you are FEARING FREEDOM and therefore blocking this quality that wants to come into your experience in a greater way?

Choose today to accept the fact that we were born free and are meant to be free. Free from the influence, of others. Free of the thoughts and opinions of others. Free of our past. We are not living in the past and can be totally free from that. We are free to be the full expression of who we are – individually. Because we are individual expressions of the One Mind, One Power, One Life, this means we have self choice, volition, a conscious mind, complete freedom and a “POWER TO BACK UP THAT FREEDOM.”

From Ernest Holmes
In the Science of Mind, by Ernest Holmes on p.108 we read: “We cannot imagine a mechanical or unspontaneous individuality; to be real and free, individuality must be created in the image of Perfection and let alone to make the great discovery for itself.” That is the discovery of our Freedom.

We are created with the possibility of limitless freedom and left alone to discover it ourselves. This discovery is called the awakening process.

Ultimate freedom is the freedom to be the divine self that you are, which includes living as a fully balanced and conscious being. When you remember that you are liberated, you are spontaneous in your expression of life and you express in ways that are in harmony with the greatest good for everyone concerned. How many of us live inhibited, for whatever reason.

I watched a video recently of people laughing, just people laughing and they looked so silly and most of us don’t want to look like that. We’re worried that people might think there is something strange about us. So, we hold ourselves back from laughing. How many things do you hold yourself back from? When you accept your Freedom, you are at ease wherever you find yourself. You have the freedom, to just be you. When you are free, you don’t have to worry about what the other person is thinking, feeling, being, doing. When you are really free, you can totally allow another person to be free, because you don’t depend on their being anything. And that’s even your partner or anyone else in your life. Your freedom doesn’t depend on what they do or say. Nothing binds you, you are a true individual, unique and expressive. Life takes on more joy when freedom is realized.

We have total freedom to choose at every moment and we constantly experience the results of our thoughts and the results of our actions. What Freedom that is! We think it’s a burden, but, in truth, its amazing freedom to know that no one else has the power over your life but you. If you don’t like what’s happening in your life, you have the power to change it. You don’t have to wait until mom or dad do something. You don’t have to wait until your partner gets better; you don’t have to wait until the children grow up; you don’t have to wait for anything. You’re the one that has the ultimate power and the ultimate freedom. When we do that, being free allows us to experience so much more of life.

The difference between freedom and bondage is simply the word, Choice. We have choice in every single moment, in every single experience. Let’s choose to be conscious of our choice. But, even that choice is yours.

How do you like hearing the words, Over the Hill? What is that supposed to mean? It has a ring that seems to say that life is on the decline. Yes, we hear that often. There are lots of jokes about how we decline with age rather than that we are finally reaching our potential and living the lives we have longed to live. Most of the people I know who have reached midlife might be considered over the hill if we think of the hill as the chase and the climb that we feel must take place when we are younger. Midlife becomes a time to stop the struggle and the need to get on top of it all.

Wayne Dyer has a new movie coming out – called Ambition to Meaning. This is what can happen to us when we reach midlife. We let go of the drive, the ambition to become something. We stop trying to amass things to make us feel important. We let go of the struggle, the striving and the belief that we are not enough. That’s the hill I wanted to get over and DID!

I truly believe that life is meant to be lived by inspiration rather than motivation. We are motivated to do more, be more, have more when we are younger. We work hard; We set goals; We continually look to the day when we’ll be “there”. Then, we discover that the ‘there’ isn’t what life is about – it’s the process. We learn to live in the present moment. No, not giving up dreams. But, knowing that who we have become in the process is so much more important than what we think we have to prove.

More to follow…lots more…. but, for now. I’d like to hear your comments….

This past weekend I attended the Hay House event, I CAN DO IT in Tampa, FL.  Marianne Williamson’s talk on Midlife, comparing our personal growth and change to what is happening in our world was awesome.  She gave us all hope and reminded us that we all went through criseses in our younger years and we are here to tell about it.  The doom and gloom in our ‘economy’ and threats of terror are the world’s indication that it is going through puberty!!  Interesting concept — and very stirring message.  If you get a chance to listen to it, I highly recommend it.  Check out Hay House offerings.  If you haven’t read Marianne’s latest book, The Age of Miracles, I also highly recommend that.  My new book is a bit different from Marianne’s — because our experiences have been different — but the basic message is similar — change is not only possible, it is inevitable. And as Barbara Marx Hubbard always says, “our crisis is our birth.”  It’s time to be re-born.