The Aging Process

Friendships are even more important as we age. But, so many people tell me that as they are going through the process of aging, they find it hard to make friends. If you are one of those people (or even if you are not), read on to find some stimulating ideas about how to attract friends. We are mirrors in life and we do attract what and who we are.

By assuming the specialness of every person, we build a culture of respect that generates energy, creativity, and magnetism – something that people can sense and feel, and to which they are drawn. Highly respectful cultures treat every person with courtesy and interest, and convey the understanding that every member of the community is valued. By treating every person with the utmost respect, we develop a culture in which everyone wants to give their best to others, and expects to receive the best from others in return. It is the type of culture everyone deserves, and it is up to us to make it happen. In our daily lives, we can create a culture of respect with every personal interaction we have, whether it is with a store clerk, a dignitary, or a colleague. The only way to have a friend is to be one.

The following is a story I heard long ago and haven’t been able to find the source, but it speaks to this idea perfectly.

It’s called THE RABBI’S GIFT
Once a great order, a decaying monastery had only five monks left. The order was dying. In the surrounding deep woods, there was a little hut that a Rabbi from a nearby town used from time to time.

 

The monks always knew the Rabbi was home when they saw the smoke from his fire rise above the treetops. As the Abbot agonized over the imminent death of his order, it occurred to him to ask the Rabbi if he could offer any advice that might save the monastery.

 

The Rabbi welcomed the Abbot at his hut. When the Abbot explained the reason for his visit, the Rabbi could only commiserate with him. “I know how it is,” he exclaimed. “The spirit has gone out of the people. It is the same in my town. Almost no one comes to the synagogue anymore.” So the Abbot and the Rabbi sat together discussing the Bible and their faiths.

 

The time came when the Abbot had to leave. “It has been a wonderful visit,” said the Abbot, “but I have failed in my purpose. Is there nothing you can tell me to help save my dying order?”

 

“The only thing I can tell you,” said the Rabbi, “is that the Messiah is among you.”

 

When the Abbot returned to the monastery, his fellow monks gathered around him and asked, “What did the Rabbi say?” “He couldn’t help,” the Abbot answered. “The only thing he did say, as I was leaving was that the Messiah is among us. Though I do not know what these words mean.”

 

In the months that followed, the monks pondered this and wondered whether there was any possible significance to the Rabbi’s words: The Messiah is among us? Could he possibly have meant that the Messiah is one of us monks here at the monastery? If that’s the case, which one of us is the Messiah? Do you suppose he meant the Abbot? Yes, if he meant anyone, he probably meant Father Abbot. Certainly he could not have meant Brother Elred! Elred gets crotchety at times. But come to think of it, even so, Elred is virtually always right. Maybe the rabbi did mean Brother Elred. Of course the Rabbi didn’t mean me.

 

He couldn’t possibly have meant me. I’m just an ordinary person. Yet supposing he did? Suppose I am the Messiah?

 

As they contemplated in this manner, the monks began to treat each other with extraordinary respect on the off chance that one among them might be the Messiah and in turn, each monk began to treat himself with extraordinary respect.

 

It so happened that people still occasionally came to visit the beautiful forest and monastery. Without even being conscious of it, visitors began to sense a powerful spiritual aura. They were sensing the extraordinary respect that now filled the monastery.

 

Hardly knowing why, people began to come to the monastery frequently to picnic, to play, and to pray. They began to bring their friends, and their friends brought their friends. Then it happened that some of the younger men who came to visit the monastery started to talk more and more with the older monks. After a while, one asked if he could join them. Then, another and another asked if they too could join the abbot and older monks. Within a few years, the monastery once again became a thriving order, a vibrant center of light and spirituality in the realm. –

 

 

 

There are lots of people and companies out there who can coach you to reach a specific goal. Coaches are functionally oriented and task oriented. People often confuse coaching and mentoring. Though related, they are not the same. Coaches don’t mentor, but mentors can sometimes coach when needed and wanted.

In a previous article  http://www.midlifemessages.com/coach-or-mentor-is-there-a-difference-do-i-needwant-one/   I talked about coaching.

Now, I’d like to share some thoughts on mentoring as well.
Mentoring characteristics:

Relationships are personal–a mentor can provide both professional and personal support. In the context of spiritual mentoring, the mentor honors the divine intuition of the mentee and fosters an internal locus of control.  In other-words, the mentors role is to ask appropriate questions and give examples so that the mentee might find his/her own answers by going within.

I have often found that using Journaling techniques can be very helpful in this process. When I meet with people, either on Skype, phone or in person on a monthly basis, I suggest (emphasis here on suggest rather than assign) specific journaling tasks to encourage self-reflection.

A good Spiritual Mentor will:

• Help you to get clear on what you are really wanting.
• Explore and discover blocks in your belief system and teach you effective ways to eliminate these blocks.
• Listen carefully and  reflect back to you what I’m hearing you say.
• Encourage you to focus on the positive aspects of life rather than rehash the things you are uncomfortable with at the time.
• Support you in honoring ‘what is’
• Nurture the Knower within you
• Guide you in a process to learn to release fear and live in faith.

If you are looking for this type of service, please click on the PAGE link for Spiritual Coaching

Helping yourself or a loved one coping with Grief?

One of the major things we go through in the aging process is LOSS – sometimes
loss of loved ones, often loss of friends, or even loss of energy or the life we once knew
as our own. Dealing with grief can be overwhelming when you don’t understand how
to do it. It’s not a clear cut process, but there are pointers and signs that can help
you navigate it if you know what they are.

CLICK HERE

Many authors have written about the stages of Grief. Here they are in their simplest form.
Although, each person goes through them differently, these steps can be a helpful guide.
If your grief is personal loss, just substitute that where you see the words, “loved one”.
Here is the grief model called “The 7 Stages of Grief”: 

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. 

 For help with the grieving process for someone else.
Get Support Now

We all have four wives.  Watch this video to find out what they are.
In the first part of our lives, we celebrate and focus on the first three
sometimes leaving out the fourth.  In the second part of our lives,
if we are lucky, we begin to see what’s REALLY important and our focus
changes.  Where are you focused?
Would love to hear your comments below when you are done watching this.

Living Forever
When we are very young, time seems to have no end. Somewhere in midlife, most people often begin realize that the number of remaining years is limited and that at least in this form, we will not live forever. That very realization can be traumatic or can be a catalyst for life changing experiences. Our ideas about and attitudes toward the process of aging are the very things that will help or hinder us in healthy aging.

One of the things we need to learn to manage as we age is the experience of loss and grief. Women, especially, tend to live longer than men, so they generally experience more losses of family members and friends. How well we deal with loss will greatly influence our overall well-being as we age.

Managing Loss
As we get older, we experience lots of losses – often related to hearing, eyesight or other physical capacities. At a later point, I’ll be writing about some of these experiences and how to allow ourselves to grow through them.  But today, my mind is on the most common of losses -the death of friends and family.  As I write this, I am preparing to take a trip to New York to see my mom. She’s 94 and in the last few weeks has stopped eating, has stopped communicating with her usual wit and wisdom and as a result, I’ve been unable to talk with her by phone. Already I’m feeling a loss, so I am going up there perhaps to say my final goodbyes.

And so, I find myself asking the question I keep asking lately (the results will be my next book!) The question is – what does the aging process have to teach me right now in this situation. I decided awhile back that everything in life can be an opportunity for spiritual growth, and in particular, the process of aging itself, and all the various loss experiences can be viewed through that lens.

What’s the Message Here
Hmm. What is there to learn here? For today, I have decided that feelings of loss can be turned into another opportunity for gratitude. Yes, you heard me right. Now, when I begin to feel loss, I realize that you never mind losing something you haven’t cherished and if you’ve cherished it, that’s something to be grateful for. I often tell my spiritual coaching clients that and now I am telling myself.

My mom’s pending transition is giving me a lot of pause to be grateful. I find myself being grateful that I have had the privilege of having a mom who has lived this long. So many of my friends lost their moms long ago. I’m grateful for the characteristics that I have inherited from my mom. Sometimes I felt my mom was in denial about negative situations, but as I’ve aged myself, I realize that her “find peace” attitude about everything has served both of us well. She was always the peacemaker in our family. “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.” A great lesson.

I know there’s more, and I’ll be sharing it here in the days ahead, but for now, I’ve go to go and pack.