Abraham Maslow once gave a final exam to one of his psych classes. There was only one question. Suppose a self-actualized person came into a party wearing a baseball cap, a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and everyone else at the party was in formal attire – tuxes, gowns. What would he do? The students wrote diligently and then when time was up read their answers – things like – He wouldn’t do anything, knowing it was okay to simply be who he was, etc. Maslow looked at them and said, you have all failed. The answer to this question can be given in 3 words: He wouldn’t notice.
That’s a pretty high state of spirituality that we are being called to. But, until we get there, in all of our relationships, on a daily basis, we need to commit to and practice– FORGIVENESS.
Forgiveness is not something we do because we are beginning to feel better about a situation; it is a choice we make so that we can begin to feel better.
If you carry around a grudge it gets heavy at times. If you nurse a hurt indefinitely, you come to perceive yourself as wounded; it’s tough to touch others with warmth and affection if are hands are busy bandaging and rebandaging our own wounds.
How do I know I have forgiven someone? He or she has harmless passage in my mind.
It’s a process – Forgiveness is not like the chicken pox, which has to be dealt with only once. The act of forgiveness doesn’t bestow sainthood on you. It bestows freedom.
Don’t feel bad if you can’t forgive easily or readily.
Forgiveness is not just an act of will; it must go to the feeling, but it starts with the will.
The bigger & more outrageous the wrong, the more challenging to see the person or ourselves apart from the deed. This doesn’t mean you can’t heal in the interim!
But something stands in our way of this. It stands in our way all the time. After more than 10 years in the ordained ministry, I have come to know something very clearly. The biggest challenge we face as human beings is not loving ourselves. It may be disguised as . . .
- comparing ourselves to others and always coming up short; or
- feeling like we never get a break in life; or
- not feeling valuable or valued; or
- thinking we really aren’t supposed to be happy; or
- thinking that nothing we ever do will really be good enough!
If any of these things struck a cord, you are not loving yourself. Loving yourself is the key to happier and more successful living. Loving yourself enables others to love you.
“Be sure to love yourself for that’s the only way the world knows how to treat you.” Wake up each morning asking the Spirit of God to show you what it would have you forgive in yourself that day
Go to bed each night with the same questions… go over your day and free yourself so you don’t have to hold on to new limitations.
Think for a moment of a situation that you may not have yet forgiven. See the situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.
Sit quietly. Breathe until you have reached a certain calmness in your mind. Ask that each person you have wronged step up and tell you his or her complaint. Hear them out. Ask them questions to better understand the situation. Ask their forgiveness. Then let that part of your history go. After you have completed this meditation, ask yourself how you have been harmed by others. Repeat the process. Continue this practice every day until you feel complete.
