It wasn’t until I reached midlife that I finally discovered that beauty was not an either-or issue.
Others also struggle with this issue, as evidenced by the 2004 global effort that DOVE launched called the “Campaign for Real Beauty.” It was meant to act as a catalyst for widening the definition and discussion of beauty and to serve as a starting point for societal change. I struggled most of my life because I had been labeled early on as ‘smart’ instead of ‘beautiful’ and I saw these as either or issues for close to 40 years. So, I have been deeply touched by their efforts. In my book, What You REALLY Want, Wants You, I tell my own story about how that finally changed.
I wanted to do whatever I could to help other women (and men as well) to discover their own beauty. I realized that it went far deeper than the physical attributes that are often defined as beauty by the media. About a year ago, I decided to dedicate my life to “changing the way the world sees midlife”. This book is ONE attempt to see that happen.
In my coaching practice, consulting and speaking engagements, I soon discovered that beauty wasn’t the only issue misrepresented. In fact, by the time most of us reach midlife, we have been plagued with millions of messages that are anything but supportive. The messages we receive about aging beyond midlife are even more dire.
So, what are some of the messages we have received?
The most subtle, but I believe insidious, one is the entire ‘anti-aging’ movement. There are products to make us look younger and there is even a doctoral specialty concerned with longevity, which is now called ‘an anti-aging practice’.
I go to such a doctor and on my first visit, he suggested he could help me live longer. Is that really the goal here? I’m not sure I want to live until 120 – maybe because I believe that life is ongoing and eternal and that this form is only temporary. But, I couldn’t help wondering if part of the reason is that I have bought into the message that says you cannot be fully alive and healthy at that age.
Author Dan Buettner has scoured the Earth — not for the fabled Fountain of Youth — but for the key to a happy old age. 
He spent five years visiting areas of the world where people tend to live longer, healthier lives, areas he calls “Blue Zones.” Buettner talks about these hot spots and how he found them in a new book titled The Blue Zones: Lessons for Living Longer from the People Who’ve Lived the Longest.
In researching the book, Buettner partnered with National Geographic and the National Institute on Aging. Several demographers used census data to pinpoint countries with the longest life expectancy.
The team then zeroed in on particular regions to locate Blue Zones around the world.
I’m delighted that there are such things as ‘blue zones’ where there are more centenarians who live healthy lives –but I don’t happen to live in one of those zones and I must admit that I haven’t always lived the healthiest of lifestyles. I want to change my own thinking on this – perhaps we do teach what we most need to learn!
Anti-aging takes the form of obsessing about looking younger. I see it all around me lately. For example, I got my hair cut recently and everyone I saw for the next week said the same thing, “You look so much younger.” One person even said, “You look 20 years younger.” EEKS. How old was I looking before? And, more importantly, why is looking younger considered such a compliment? The implication is that it is not okay to not only look old but to BE old.
When did aging get such a bad rap? In other cultures, the Western one being my frame of reference, people who age are revered. Once the Industrial Revolution took place with its emphasis on technology, elders seemed to lose their high place in society. And thus began the quest not only to feel young, but to look as young as possible for as long as possible.
Am I saying that it is not okay to color our hair and take away the tell tale signs of grey and silver? Well, first of all, I want to go on record as saying, I’m not ANTI anything, least of all anti-aging. But, not against looking the best we can at any age. For the right reasons. Oops – are there wrong reasons? Perhaps not wrong – but, if we are changing hair color to mask who we are becoming, or lifting brows because we want to be more pleasing to the opposite sex, what are we doing? We’re giving in to the mass media culture that tells us that who we are is never good enough. We can never be thin enough, beautiful enough or young enough.
Even the magazines – although there now are some that cater to the above 40 crowd, I’ve noticed don’t go much above 50 for most of the models they use or the articles they write. In fact, most of the models in the over 50 set, are so touched up to be made to look younger. Even these magazines spend a lot of effort teaching its readers to look and feel young.
Do we really want to feel young again? How young? Certainly not the gawkiness of an adolescent, or the insecurity of a twenty-something who hasn’t found a life partner or doesn’t yet know what career to pursue? And, then there’s the female’s ticking clock in the thirties – or the 40 year old man’s stereotypical midlife crisis.
Is any age immune? The greatest problem we have in life is not accepting what is. Whatever is happening, whatever age we are, there’s something else or some other age we want to be. Whatever happened to contentment? Is it possible to accept oneself at any age?
The media tells us otherwise. TV reality shows often cut off the ages of a contestant. The shows that don’t bar someone because of age, often frown upon the elder contestants. The best case in point was the recent Britian’s got Talent. When Susan Boyle, the amazing singer from Scotland, said she was 47, the judges and the audience all snickered. And, yes, she had to have an instant makeover when it became clear that she had a chance to succeed in the contest.
And what about botox? Is it wrong to use botox or get a face life? Again, I contend that nothing is ‘wrong’ but, what is it saying about how we feel about aging?
Recently, someone who I know has used this technique to help keep a youthful appearance, actually said to me, “ I can’t believe I let myself be injected with poison – to what end? What am I trying to do here? Why can’t I let myself look older since I actually am?” He looked at me and said, “You wouldn’t understand. You don’t look your age. You were blessed with good genes” Again, I KNOW he meant it as a compliment, but does that say that when you show your age you have bad genes?
I’m all for finding ways to look our best at any age. I’m not saying we should ‘let ourselves go’. I am not opposed to any help we get in putting our best foot forward because we feel good doing it – I’m just questioning the subtle or not so subtle implication that growing old is not acceptable.
What are the other messages we get in midlife? That we are no longer in our ‘prime’; that we are ‘over the hill’ or “it’s all downhill from here” which means that the situation is expected to get progressively worse without ever getting better in the future,
What does this really say about our society? And face lifts, breast lifts, tummy tucks — they don’t happen anywhere near as often in other cultures. What is it with the obsession we have for youthful aerobic like physiques?
I remember the Over the Hill posters and black crepe paper that my friends decorated with to celebrate my 40th birthday. Certainly didn’t feel like something to celebrate!
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