by hlesbrown
For the uninitiated, the midlife crisis seems inexplicable. Why would someone who should be really happy behave so erratically? There’s the key, though: they should be really happy . . . but they’re not! Even those closest to the midlife sufferer are apt to be shocked and confused because there’s no discernible reason they can find to explain their friend or loved one’s erratic behavior. In addition, when they sit down to talk with the poor unfortunate, they don’t ever seem to get a straight answer. What they may not realize is that even the person him- or herself isn’t able to sort out what’s going on.
One of the core features of the midlife crisis consists of the inability to connect feelings with facts. And, the feelings that accompany the midlife transition can be very intense (as well as very negative). Getting up first thing in the morning and, before you know it, feeling like doo-doo inside only aggravates the situation. Sadly, the negative, free-floating emotions soon generate a low-grade, equally free-floating anger. Generally, when you experience such unattached emotions, your reaction tends to send you into self-doubt; self-doubt sends you into denial; denial spawns displaced anger (a bad day at work translates into anger at your spouse).
The midlife transition strikes at the core of your self-esteem. It casts all of your basic assumptions into question. It undermines whatever platform of stability that you’ve constructed for yourself. It dissociates your choices and decisions from expected rewards or punishments, pleasure or pain. You suddenly discover that, on one hand, no good deed goes unpunished, and, on the other hand, breaking the rules often has no consequences or even brings about some good results. At the same time, you come to the realization that all your planning and hard work has brought you to this point in your life, but, either you’re not quite sure where ‘this point’ really is in the big scheme of things, or where you are isn’t what you thought it’d be. Either way, you’re confused, disappointed and, above all, angry.
Nobody has ever told you that arriving at this juncture was a normal part of your evolution as a mature person. It feels as though the situation is out of control, you’ve no one to blame but yourself, and you have no idea how you got into this mess, let alone how to get out of it. Sure, you can find any number of people to blame (and you will), but all of your complaining and finger-pointing sounds strangely hollow and unconvincing. Deep down, you’re starting to feel that you know who’s responsible for this mess you’re in and you’re it! That’s not something our psyche (particularly as males) wants to deal with. So we’re left with free-floating anxiety generating free-floating anger that’s tending to explode randomly in all directions but achieving nothing (except making you feel even worse). On top of this all, you feel like you’re the only person in the world having to deal with this. It’s like puberty all over again, only worse, because you haven’t any explosive hormones to blame it on and nobody to offer excuses for you.
Depression, they say, is anger turned inward. No wonder you’re feeling depressed! At the same time, unrelieved anger is an emotion-blocker. As long as you’re stuck in the mire of free-floating anger, other emotions like true joy or sorrow simply can’t express themselves. Anger turns you into an emotional Johnny One-Note. You find yourself stuck like a prehistoric animal in the La Brea Tar Pits. That’s what a midlife crisis feels like. Yet, escape is surprisingly easy: once you’re aware of what’s really going on, and once you’ve come to accept that this experience is not only normal but a positive sign of growth, you can let the anger go. And, once the anger’s gone, you’re free: the crisis is over. Does it sound easy? In theory it is; in practice it takes some real work for you to get to true Midlife Mastery.
